Switching Stations: Snagged on a Run in the Hosiery of Time

 

Tonight’s Cast of Characters:

John Steed as Captain Mach 10
Zsa Zsa Gabor as Leesa
Newt Gingrich as Queen Stretchmark I
Sean Hannity as Simp the Oracle
Clint Eastwood as Gore Vidal and
Gomer Pye U.S.M.C. as Aryan #5

Illustration based on a digital photograph staged in virtual reality that depicts a male and female avatar dressed in star-fleet costumes posing side by side
Captain Mach 10 with First mate, Trish

Stardate 90210.1. Dear Diary, the Chachka entered the arousing Areola Nebula at 0.100 and now we are trapped in a rope of unknown origin. I’ve ordered First Mate Leesa to steady the helm: she does her best:

Leesa: The ship won’t steer, dah-ling!

Mach Ten: What kind of rope is this?

Leesa: Humidity reads high, dah-ling!

Mach Ten: So sheer! So snug! Change course 32º mark nine zero two one zero!

Leesa: Course changed 32º mark nine zero two one zero, dah-ling.

(A horn blares followed by the sound of a crash. Leesa and Mach Ten reel from one side of the ship to the other. All goes quiet; we see Leesa’s breasts followed by a wide-angle shot of the Chachka’s interior. The decor is Chinese modern with a great big Chinese coffee table to accent a huge coral sofa with bright green cushions.  The helm is really just an alcove with a curved wall.)

Leesa: (tugs the hem of her uniform) Humidity reads normal, dah-ling.

Mach Ten: (Opens a quadraphonic space-map.) Where in the Areola are we?

Leesa: (Her beauty is unperturbed) Let me see, Dah-ling. (She pours herself over the map) I think we are in the Rayon Belt.

(The ship is suddenly filled with the sound of screeching  feedback followed by the amplified voice of Queen Stretch Mark I.)

Illustration based on a photo staged in virtual reality that depicts an African-American Avatar as the character of Queen Stretchmark I.
Queen Stretchmark I

Queen Stretchmark I: FEDERATION PRUDES! YOU HAVE WANDERED INTO MY LATEX FIELDS! YOU ARE ENMESHED! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! A HIGHLY TRAINED ARYAN SLAVE BOY WHOSE SMOOTH LEGS AND BULGING JUNK IS READILY VISIBLE IN HIS RED TIGHTY WHITIES WILL BE BOARD YOUR SHIP TO ACCEPT YOUR UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER.

Mach Ten: (Shaking his fist) YOU LIBERTINE TYRANT!

Queen Stretchmark I: YOU AMUSE ME CAPTAIN. I HAVE HEARD MUCH ABOUT THE PERSNICKETY MACH TEN AND HIS CONFLICTED SEXUALITY. ENOUGH! YOU
WILL BE BROUGHT TO THE SHEER SURFACE OF MY LATEX PLANET.

Leesa:
I’ve always been a bit bi-curious about this Queen, Dah-ling.

Mach Ten: She’s seductive and deadly. We’d best do as she says

(Chimes. Aryan#5 appears on deck.)

  Mach Ten: Oh the pain, the pain…

(Petroleum waves crash onto a Lycra shore. White spandex clouds drift above a rubber mountain. Cut to the Queens Throne room. Snow white carpets make a stunning background for pie-crust tables. Corner cabinets, all chiseled out and painted a lovely pink show off wedge wood and Chinese things. There are couches with deep soft cushions in which one can curl up and get lost. To the Queen’s left is Simp the Oracle; to her right is Gore Vidal. both men wear nothing but bicycle tights. Enter Aryan#5 with Leesa; an arm laced behind her back, a lock of blond hair lingers on her forehead to suggest a struggle.)

 

Illustration based on a photo staged in virtual reality that depicts an African-American Avatar as the character of Aryan #5
Aryan #5

Aryan #5: Howdy ur Haighness!

Queen Stretchmark I: Where is the male?

Aryan #5: He’s a feisty little feller–

Leesa: No! Oh Pleaze, dahling! These silk cords, they feel so tight!

Queen Stretchmark I: Silence! Why have you come to my planet?

Leesa: You trapped us in a huge pair of cheap intergalactic stockings
and brought us here you silly old queen!

Queen: Ha! You’ve come to bring reason to my planet! Reason kills!
Kill them!

Leesa: Getta clue, dahling! We’re the most unreasonable species in
the universe.

(Simp the Oracle giggles and winks at Leesa; Leesa winks back)

Gore Vidal: My dear, I think you were snagged on a run in the hosiery of time.

Leesa: (Rolls her eyes) Thank you for stealing my line!

Queen Stretchmark I: Call the male!

Aryan #5: Su-prise, su-prise, su-prise!

Queen Stretchmark I: (In a determined whisper) He’ll play dress up! I’ll make him!

To be continued….

Illustration based on a photo staged in virtual reality that depicts my alternates, Bobby and Matthew watching the physical me read Antonin Artaud
Next Week on Mach 10

Next week on ‘Mach Ten’:

Mach Ten: How is it you people speak English?

Aryan  24:  We’re so smart ur species little pea pickin’ brains couldn’t understand
us so’s when the Queen got here we scanned his brain and saw what was in it.

Mr. Haney: What you see is what you think, Mr. Mach Ten! Hey! Can ah interest you
in a book?


(c) Rob Goldstein 2018 All Rights Reserved

 

 

 

 

 

 

Signs of the Times

Hundreds of thousands of people marched in the Bay Area
yesterday, and my partner and I were among them.

Imagine a coalition of every group of people targeted by
the Trump GOP.

This is an aerial view of the Rally in front of San Francisco
City Hall.

This view shows Market Street packed demonstrators from the
beginning of the march at City Hall to the end of the march at the
Embarcadero.

Here are some of the better shots of the day:

A photograph from the 2018 San Francisco Women's March in fron't of San Francisco City Hall
City Hall – San Francisco Women’s March 2018
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco - A sign that reads When injustice becomes law resistance becomes duty
When injustice becomes law resistance becomes duty
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San FranciscoTo be silent and indifferent the greatest sin of all
To be silent and indifferent the greatest sin of all
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco - A sign that reads stop trump's racist agenda
Stop Trump’s racist agenda
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March -I Stand with Her
I Stand with Her
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco - A sign that reads Time's up
Times up
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco - A sign that reads the rise of women, the rise of a Nation
The Rise of women, the rise of a Nation
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco -a sign that reads I refuse to live in your shithole
I refuse to live in your shithole
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco - A sign that reads Love + Power
Love plus Power

 

A sign at the 2018 San Francisco Women's March in support of DACA
Doing the right thing is not a political issue, it’s a moral issue.
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco - Market Street during the march
Market Street San Francisco
Scenes from the 2018 Women's March in San Francisco - A child sits on her Father's shoulders
A Child on Dad’s Shoulders

 

All Photographs (c) Rob Goldstein 2018 All Rights Reserved

The Screen

I’ve re-written this poem since first posting
so I’ll post both versions.

This is the re-write:

The Screen

There is a screen between us, semi-opaque;
it filters our lives.

What you see is what I’m not and what I see
is not what you imagine.

Now you are the romantic, slipping into his
drugs, as I slither on your lap, flushed with
shame: for this, I win the crown.

We are a little Miss America, lost on her stroll
down the aisle.

We are the innocent little darling who forgets
to look harmless.

The first post:

The Screen

There is a screen between us, semi-opaque; it
filters our lives.

What you see is who I want to be and what I
see is not what you imagine.

Now you are the romantic; weeping into his drugs,
while I dance on the table, flushed with shame, for
this, I win a crown.

We are a little Miss America, lost on her stroll
down the aisle.

We are the little darling who forgot to
look harmless.

 

(c) Rob Goldstein 2016-2018 All Rights Reserved

 

A Flight of Ideas: The Coke Conspiracy

No. Judy doesn’t love me.  And I don’t love her.

Her job is to help me do my job and in that way
our jobs are secure.

Together we could climb a summit of immense
dimensions!

I lay on the mat in the seclusion room and
considered the War in Viet Nam.

Had the hippies ended it or was it economics?

I mean, had the peace movement become another
hot property, or was it a brand?

I mean, why would Coke want to teach the World
to sing?

How much money does Coke make if everyone
in the World buys everyone in the World one
Coke per day?

I quickly do the math: 7.2 billion people x $2.65
USD per can of coke = $19.08 billion USD!

Per day!

Why is a man who understands Coke’s conspiracy
to end World hunger in a seclusion room?

I called to tell Judy; she had to know my secret!

But she was washing broccoli out of her hair.

(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved.

Yet, I am still alive

A friend and collaborator took this picture as I got
into character to rehearse a theatrical piece.

My friend snapped this shot as I danced and spoke
my lines.

In fact, I was switching into character, though no one
in my circle of friends knew what that was.

It was a dark time in America, but one goes on with life.

This is a journal entry from the day of that shot:

July 16, 1987

It is July and I am still alive.

The AIDS epidemic is in its sixth year and those six years have passed slowly and cruelly. I had hoped that AIDS would fade like a fad, but it is still around and killing, and the fact that a reactionary movement has gained momentum by openly discussing it as a form of divine retribution sickens me to my core.

Thank God for Joni Mitchell.

I’ve lived so long without a future that the thought of having one terrifies me.

Yet, I am still alive.

And I intend to stay alive.

(c) Rob Goldstein 1987-2017

Switching Stations: Jeffery’s Messages


Warning: Adult themes and language ahead.

1.

Hey Jeff-reee! Wat up ese? Guess who I seen? I seen Kenny an I seen his new wrap an he got himself a new van where he can be sleepin’ in it.  He traded the Buick! But ese! Wouldnya rather have a Buick? Lissen-up ese: I gotta joke! You an’ your Mom got moren one thing in common. You both whores! Jeff-reee! Is the shit fresh!  Whaja doin? Wachin porn? You an Manuela de Palma? Why don’ja go out an getta job. Yo ese!– Getta freakin job!

 

 


2.

Jeffery? This is Sara. I need Robert’s tools. I have to go to Mom’s after work tonight. If you take them over to Mom’s, I’ll leave five dollars for the taxi. Please Jeffery. We have to have those tools so please bring them to Mom’s today! OK?

 


3.

Hey, hey bro. I know you ain’t amped out. I know its crank, dude. So hustle ur ass over here an bring me the merchandise. Yak at ja later.

 


4.

Jeffery? This is Sara! Please bring the tools to Mom’s. Please Jeffery!

 


 

5.

Hey Jeff. This is Bob. It’s 8:15.  I guess I’m calling to ask if you’re OK. I’m at the St. Francis doing some work if you catch my drift.  If you want to make the drop meet me on Ellis in two hours. Over by the construction site: be there.

Photograph of a young man who is standing in a squat listening to his messages
I’m at the St. Francis doing some work, if you catch my drift.

6.

Hey, man. I’m telling you man; you better call me dude. I’ve waited patiently for you to pay for that briefcase. Don’t make me go over there with my authorities. No BS, dude. I want my money.     


7.

Jeffery? This is Aunt Esther. You have Robert’s tools. Please bring them to your Mother’s.

 


 

8.

Jeffery! This is your Mother!  Aunt Esther wants you to bring Robert’s tools to my place. Where I live? OK? Call me! Bye!

 


9.

Yo Jeff-reee! It’s Bobby! I sold them tools an’ got a fifty! Rock an’ Roll, dude! I got the candy so’s I’ll catch up with you later!

Semi-surreal photograph of a young man who is listening to his message on a cell phone. A hand with a gun it it is seen on a television Monitor
Rock and Roll, Dude!

10.

Whadup, Jeffery? I know you know who the fuck this is. Check it: a client wants to sell you an MK 16. I know you like collecting that kinna shit: gimme a buzz.


11.

Jeffery? This is Sara! Did you get Moms message? Bring us those tools! They are essential to Robert’s work. You borrowed them without permission and we need them now!



12.

Heeeeyyy Jeff-reee! Ese! Pick up de phone. I know you’re there! Pobrecito mijo. Yankin’ his life away. Jeff-reee! Pendejo!!—You screwed up bad an’ now ur goin’ downdowndown. Crank brought ya down, ese!


13.

Jeffery. This is Sara. If you’re home pick up! How long is it going to take for us to get Robert’s tools back from you. I’ll give you a hundred if you bring them back. I guess I’m going to have to come over and get them.


 
14.

Hey, hey bro! 12:35 at night. Howcum you ain’t on the horse troll? You better have my dollars! Yeah! Big Daddy R Money!

Photograph of a young man who is listening to his message on a cell phone. A hand with a gun it it is seen on a television Monitor
Howcum you ain’t on the horse troll?

            

15.

8:22 in the morning and you missed another session. For a parolee that says he wants to get straight you stick too close to convicts. ’nuff sed. You know who this is. Call me.

 


16.

Jeffery? It’s your lawyer. It’s Tuesday, 10am. I hope you didn’t go out on another binge. We need you here at the Hall of Justice in two hours. I need you here to win!  Ok?

 


17.

1:45 PM and another parolee of mine is back to jail. He got two years. He wanted out on OR but no one will vouch for him. So to jail he went. Two years my friend. I see you guys sharing a cell. No one will vouch for you! ‘nuff sed.

 


18.

This is Sara.  Are you still in bed? Are you bringing Robert’s tools to Mom’s house? Aunt Esther said you better bring them! The tools. Robert’s tools? Do you even know what I’m talking about?


19.

OK,  Miss Thing. Your phone was just bizzy.  So I guess you gone in less than a minute? You gonna hang in that shitty dorm all day? It’s 3:10 on Tuesday in case
you ain’t
 oriented x 3. Call me sweetie. You said you would share.

 


 

20.

Double dealin’ Jeffery! It’s Randy ya messed up tweak! Ya didn’t come out yesterday! Ya was gonna buy me drinks or so ya said. So, uh, what up? Did it all go up in smoke? It’s 5:10 sos I’ll call back about 7:30.


21.

Hey Jeffery ya up in smoke fool! It’s Randy! We ain’t makin no deals cos you ain’t around! So howcum you don’t be around? I’m over at Jack in the Box tryina hustle a BLT. I’ll be here all night. The address is JACK-in-the-Box!
Laters dude.


22.

Jeffery! This is Sara! Get your ass out of bed and bring Robert’s tools to Mom’s house! NOW! And you better answer my calls too! Goodbye!

 



23.

Hey, man. I’m telling you man; you better call me dude. You think I’m letting you slide or something and I’m telling you homey don’t play that way. I’ll put out a ten thousand dollar contract your ass —so if you want your life you better give me a buzz.  2 Questions: What is John Wayne’s real name and what was his first movie that he starred in. If you know the answers, I’ll just bust a cap in your pretty white ass.

 

Photo of a young man in a squat listening to is messages-staged in Virtual Reality
I’m telling you homey don’t play that way


24.

Jeffery! This is Sara. Mom’s in the hospital. DO NOT CALL THE HOSPITAL! If you call her I’ll call the police and let them know who you are and where you live. I know there are warrants out for you. I don’t want you near Mom. I don’t want you near the hospital. If you have any questions, bring Robert’s tools to Mom’s house first.

 


25.

Hey Jeff-reee! Esaaaaaaay. You makin’ luuuuv now? Is it all luvy duvy in this land of screwed up druggies? Ain’t a damn thing funny, Jeffery! Get you a real woman, amigo! If you don’t get a real woman you’ll lose them shrinking pelotas! Dedee is chotito. A punk, bro! An’ you da punk-ee!

 



26.

Jeffery this is Mom. When you visit tonight sneak in a pack of cigarettes? I’ll give you fifty dollars. Don’t let the nurses catch you. It’s extremely important. I love you.

 


27.

Jeffrey this is Sara. Stop visiting Mom! If you don’t stay away from her I’ll have you arrested. How can you bring smokes to a woman that just had a stroke?

 



28.

Hey, man. I’m telling you man, this is the last message you’ll ever ignore. I know you got paid an’ you better have my crank or my dollars ’cause I just sent a shitload of trouble your way! If you got the answers to my questions about John Wayne they’ll make it quick—OK? Good-bye, Jeffery.

 

Photo of a young man in a squat listening to is messages-staged in Virtual Reality, I used a toy camera filter to give it a sense of tunnel vision
Good-bye, Jeffery

 

 



First posted in 2015, as Jeffery’s Messages

Jeffery’s Messages (c) Rob Goldstein 1992-2015-2017
Illustrations staged in Virtual Reality.
Gun textures found on shutter-stock and GIPHY

 

 

 

                      

January’s Featured Blogger: Hank the Hedgehog

I’ve never thought of Hedgehogs as pets until I ran into Hank over at Living a Beautiful Life. After I interviewed Danica, I researched Hedgehogs and decided to interview Hank the Hedgehog.

Hank the Hedgehog
Hank The Hedgehog

I sat down with Danica and Hank over a lunch of cold meal worms and
began our interview:

When did Hedgehogs start to become popular as pets?

Hank: Hedgehogs first became popular as pets in North America in 1980-90.

Are the hedgehogs kept as pets in the U.S. born in the U.S.

Hank: Yes, all hedgehogs kept as pets in the U.S. are born in the U.S.

How does Hank feel when Danica blogs about him?

Hank: When I first noticed Danica blogging about me I took over immediately    because I’m curious and like to explore new things.  Danica quickly realized that I prefer speaking for himself.  I’m small but I have a strong personality.

photograph og a hedgehog with stuffed animals
Stop with the stuffed animals already

What does Hank like best about Danica?

Danica: What Hank likes best about me is that I tells it like it is.  Whenever Hank announces that he’s going to live in the wild, I explain that he’d likely die within a week.  It would be 50-50 odds he’d wind up as dinner or as roadkill.

Hank: Danica means well but she’s wrong:  I have extraordinary survival skills.  I indulge her because she brings me meal-worms; but stop with the stuffed animals already.

While no pets should ever be released into the wild, I’m a special case.  I’m from the streets  and through a series of misadventures wound up on death row lock-up (i.e., the city pound).

Here’s my story:

I get these cravings for wild game!  I know it’s not PC but you can’t take the hedge out of the hog.  Danica does her best to prepare exotic gourmet meals for me — there’s this venison dish that’s quite tasty! — but I miss the everyday pleasures of my former life.  Ants, grasshoppers, flies, crickets.  I’ve left food out to attract ants and flies, but Danica is quick to clean up after me and she even picked up a couple of flyswatters.

What’s a wild-at-heart hog to do?  One day after she kissed me goodbye (she’s given up telling me to be good), I rounded up my boys:  Rabbit, Pig and Dog.  We flipped open the laptop near my crib and did some online shopping.  I ordered an ant farm and live fishing bait.  We clicked “next-day delivery”.  They couldn’t guarantee delivery time.  How could I make sure Danica wouldn’t be around?  Well, I couldn’t.  Then it hit us!  If you can’t get rid of them, distract them.  So, we added two dozen roses to the order!

Oh yeah, it played out like a bank heist.  She loved the flowers and the card really got her attention:  “All my love across the miles, from some dude who isn’t Kyle.”  LOL!  Oh man, it cracks me up every time I think of it.  She’s arranging the flowers trying to figure out, first, who is Kyle?  Second, who is this some dude?

We could almost see the wheels turning in her brain and she didn’t notice us bringing in the ants and live bait.  We managed to get the contraband rolled up in my new blanket — a pink blanket with flowers!  Bane of my existence.  That’s another story.

Anyway, what’s the lesson here?  Chicks dig flowers, man.  And secret admirers.  You’re welcome, bro.

Peace out.

Danica I’ve never thought of hunting.  I would like to learn how to fire weapons, outside of video games.  There aren’t any shooting ranges nearby so it hasn’t happened yet.  I’d like to fire rocket launchers and drive tanks too, but that may remain a distant dream.

Hedgehogs are carnivores and mostly hunt insects.  The domesticated hedgehogs that westerns love as pets are small, and to them insects are “wild game”.  Well, that’s that Hank calls them anyway.

Oh, and as for the “chicks” and “bro” references — Hank respects all orientations.  His experience using flowers to distract people is limited to chicks only, so he can’t speak to how it may or may not work on the bros out there.

Photograph of a hedgehog next to a potted plant
Hank the Hedgehog in the Wild

~ Hank the Hedgehog

All Material (c) Danica Piche 2018 All Rights Reserved

 

 

Strange Dream #3

White blood cells die in a viral massacre.

I act as referee and check my sed rate.

An old man plays the piano, another me:
someone smelled but not seen.

“How long have you been like this?” I ask,
ever the concerned professional.

“Since I was an old woman,” I reply.

GREETINGS! THRILL SEEKERS!
HAVE WE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!
SEND PERSONAL BITS NOW AND DON’T
FORGET YOUR ZIP CODE!

94117–

I fire off an email and do a dozen sit-ups.

I am a god and know I am.

Every hair on my leg is cosmic, just as Walt Whitman says it is.

“I’ve never had sex with a feminist,” says Whitman, “Who’s the
top and who’s the bottom?”

“Let’s do it sideways,” I reply. “That way we’re equal.”

 

Image and poem (c) Rob Goldstein 2015-January 2017

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A Black Spell Night

Something brilliant from House of Heart

House of Heart

Drawn by the pull of possibility

I am at war with resistance,

tempted by persuasion  and

the dynamic momentum of hands

on taut shoulders.

The gravitational press on tangled knots,

on willowy limbs that succumb to a

black spell night.

Your sighs are kindle to my lips

igniting the perfect fire.

At dawn I am a periwinkle

at your pillow, petals bending

to what is golden.

contours

art by Steve Hanks

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The Gospel According to Republican Jesus

One of the more interesting characters to emerge in 2017 is Republican Jesus.

Here are a few of my favorite verses from the fake bible of America’s fake Christians.  I found these on Twitter and Google search.

I do not own them.

Republican Jesus meme that reads, 'For you were a stranger so I vilified you."
You were a stranger so I vilified you.

 

A Republican Jesus Meme that reads, "Love Thy Neighbor as long as he's the same race and religion and not a homo."
Love Thy Neighbor as long as he’s the same race and religion and not a homo.

 

Republican Jesus meme that reads, "Crush your enemies, see them driven out before you, hear the lamentation's of their women. "
Crush your enemies, see them driven out before you, hear the lamentation’s of their women.

 

Republican Jesus meme that reads, "Only feed the ones who pass the drug test"
Only feed the ones who pass the drug test

 

Meme of Republican Jesus asking for proof of insurance before healing a child.
Before I heal you I need proof of insurance.

 

Meme of Republican Jesus who says, "and Christian's will ignore the sick and poor and build bigger churches to prove their Christianity."
and Christian’s will ignore the sick and poor and build bigger churches to prove their Christianity.

 

Republican Jesus says to the leper, "And Jesus said to the Leper, "I'm sorry, you have a preexisting condition."
And Jesus said to the Leper, “I’m sorry, you have a preexisting condition.”

 

Republican Jesus suffers the little children to come unto him that he may teach them the proper way to hold a gun.
Republican Jesus suffers the little children to come unto him that he may teach them the proper way to hold a gun.

 

Meme of republican jesus saying, "I know he raped you, Sally, but what's really important is the senate seat."
I know he raped you, Sally, but what’s really important is the senate seat.

 

This weekend (19th thru 21) I’ll be preparing for and attending
demonstrations so I won’t be on WordPress as much.

Saturday is the Women’s March which runs in tandem with
a March for Impeachment; I will be marching in both.

This weekend over 4,956,422 people on all seven continents
will march
for democracy and human rights.

Find a March near you.

https://www.womensmarch.com/sisters/