Please direct comments to original post..
Please direct comments to the original post.
Only the mentally ill know how to talk to the unwell about being sick. Only we know the questions to ask to gauge someone’s well being. I am just now beginning to try and communicate my mental health to those close to me. Before, I would just lie. I would tell people I had a bad cold or my allergies are acting up. I would make up all kinds of stories so I could just stay in bed. Looking back, I’ve been doing this since elementary school. I would try anything to get out of going to school. My reward for skipping school wasn’t hanging out with my friends or secret meetings with boyfriends. My reward was getting to stay in bed and not having to think or move.
My biggest mistake was never telling anyone. I can imagine it could be a bit of a shocker to find out…
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This is my 2015 blog for mental health for today.
For this post I will sometimes use we instead of I when referring to myself.
If you have Dissociative Identity Disorder than you may be familiar with the internal debates that go on between alternates.
I did not realize what these voices were until I began treatment for DID in 2010.
I was diagnosed in 2009 but spent an entire year refusing to believe it.
Once I began treatment, my experience of time and the way I experienced my “thoughts” made sense to me.
I thought everyone heard their thoughts as separate voices.
I thought everyone argued with their thoughts.
I thought everyone forgot what they did after four days.
There is a part of me that is very competitive.
This part strives to be the best at everything.
I have to mange its need to be in charge because I have different goals for this Blog.
It is part of our therapy.
Therapy determines content.
The goal is integration but I will be happy to have a better sense of who I am.
When we join a social networking site we try to make contact with people who have skill and a unique voice.
There are several people like this on WordPress. People who have something to say and who have earned a loyal audience.
I certainly want to be one of these people; but that kind of achievement takes time. One must earn ones followers.
This morning I woke up with this in my head:
Me #2: Howcum we’re not famous yet?
Me#1: We didn’t start using the blog until October-we have almost 300 followers.
Me#2: Pfft!…Howcum we don’t have a thousand–if you used Google+ we’d have over a thousand.
Me#1: Dude, you don’t even like Google+
Me#2: And our stats are going down…you’re posts suck…let me out and I’ll get it right.
We made the mistake of looking at the stats. We looked at them two days in a row.
The little orange bars went up and down like a heartbeat and ended in what looked to one of us like a flatline.
Me #2: So howcum we’re not famous yet.
Me#1. We’re not here to be famous. This is part of our treatment!
Me#2. Two nites ago we had three views from Helsinki. Why would people in Helsinki want to read our blog? And howcum they didn’t come back?
Me#1: Dude! STFU!
The truth of it is that I’m healthier than I was in 2009, but I’m still very ill.
Right now, I can’t make the kind of commitments that I want to make.
I’ve been asked about selling my art. I don’t know if this will make sense anyone but I can’t do what I can’t imagine.
I can’t sell my art because I can’t imagine how it’s done.
When I started this blog over a year ago I had to stop blogging because I couldn’t imagine doing it consistently.
Some of this lack of “imagination” is related to anxiety.
I needed to be more confident of my ability to detach from criticism before I could feel safe to blog.
For me, it is best not to know what the trolls are up to because I can’t control what people do to each other and I can’t control what they say about me. I think the best defense is to be true to yourself and let your words and your ideas speak for you. Most of the opposition we get is about envy and cynicism.
I respect the people I envy and what keeps me alive is hope that some day I will also achieve a degree of respect from other people for my perspective and ideas.
Eventually I will be able to imagine joining Twitter, using promotional tools and selling my art.
There is an arc of recovery–one that for me is fraught with setbacks.
One that I re-define as I slowly achieve my goals.
Recovery for me means learning how live with my alternates in a way that enhances my life and the lives of the people I love.
It means treasuring that I stayed present long enough to write this and to post it to my blog.
And that’s way more important than being famous, now.
Excellent! Please direct your comments to original post.
Just remembered this quote and thought it might be a good addition to my previous post…
When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline…
– Haim G. Ginott