We entered our sixth year of intensive psychotherapy October, 2014.
That was the month that I re-opened my blog and posted the Chat.
Six years ago we had regressed.
There were no adults.
We still don’t know why.
This year I feel more in control of my mind.
I have more access to the skills my alternates have.
My experience of learning is new information feels like an
insight that comes from nowhere.
For instance, I don’t know how I learned to use a computer; I
just know how to use it.
Mateo is the one that builds computers.
We have five boxes on a wireless router.
The different boxes are named for the alternate that uses it.
I am Rob Goldstein.
I hated computers.
I thought they encroached on the pretty inefficiencies of
being a Writer.
This is how my room was described by another writer who became a friend in 1986.
“A bare ceiling bulb lit the clutter. Secondhand paperbacks squeezed each other out on two low shelves. Genet and Ginsberg lay open, belly down. The dust jacket flap marked his place in Naked Lunch. There were literary journals, mostly poetry, in a falling stack, volumes flying loose at their hinges, creased pages, crinkled covers, ravaged reading, the plunder strewn around the room; an explosion of ideas settled everywhere.” Darrell Yates – Rist, Heartlands
My explosion of ideas is now utterly disorganized on six neatly stacked external hard drives.
Blogging the different narratives of my life is the focus of therapy.
I see my therapist twice a week.
It is odd to have a pseudo-delusion.
I know that the alternates are me, but all it takes is one of them to decide “not me”…and no integration.
Mateo is more resistant.
I’ve seen people with DID described as phobic about themselves.
I think that’s true.
It’s overwhelming to think the abuse I remember is true.
Matthew is terrified of having lived through AIDS.
Mateo resents the gay identified males; Mateo and Sara want to
move into Second Life and be done with us.
Sara knows the body is male and Mateo knows the body is pale.
What does the child at the heart of this imaginary family need?
The child needs permission to develop and to thrive.
Children depend on adults for everything.
Permission is more than saying yes.
Permission validates the child through action and direction.
Permission has to be re-encoded into our everyday understanding of what we mean when we refer to the sanctity of human life.
Life is more than an organic process.
Life is also an awakening of the mind.
Without full access to our minds we become slaves to the passions of the moment, and to the whims of toxic people and toxic ideas.
As a child in the anti-Semitic South I was told I had no right to be alive.
That message was repeated by my government during the AIDS Epidemic.
I had no right to the kind of life taken for granted by ‘normal’ people
and ‘good Capitalist Christians’.
This insight about permission is related to another recent insight.
I was not born crazy. I was made that way. On purpose.
The truth of it pains me.
Children are only here because we bring them here.
Children expect the adults in their lives to protect them.
If we are going to bring children into the world, shouldn’t we give
them the permission they need to thrive?
The beatings from my Mother and the neighbors divided
my person from my intellect.
I was a child that was instinctively inclined to use reason.
I was brutally punished for it and I could not understand why?
Instead, I wondered why God had made such a terrible little boy.
(c) Rob Goldstein 2014 All Rights Reserved