Art by Rob Goldstein

Dying for Permission

We entered our sixth year of intensive psychotherapy October, 2014.

That was the month that I re-opened my blog and posted the Chat.

Six years ago we had regressed.

There were no adults.

We still don’t know why.

This year I feel more in control of my mind.

I have more access to the skills my alternates have.

My experience of learning is new information feels like an
insight that comes from nowhere.

For instance, I don’t know how I learned to use a computer; I
just know how to use it.

Mateo is the one that builds computers.

We have five boxes on a wireless router.

The different boxes are named for the alternate that uses it.

I am Rob Goldstein.

I hated computers.

I thought they encroached on the pretty inefficiencies of
being a Writer.

This is how my room was described by another writer who became a friend in 1986.

“A bare ceiling bulb lit the clutter. Secondhand paperbacks squeezed each other out on two low shelves. Genet and Ginsberg lay open, belly down. The dust jacket flap marked his place in Naked Lunch. There were literary journals, mostly poetry, in a falling stack, volumes flying loose at their hinges, creased pages, crinkled covers, ravaged reading, the plunder strewn around the room; an explosion of ideas settled everywhere.” Darrell Yates – Rist, Heartlands

My explosion of ideas is now utterly disorganized on six neatly stacked external hard drives.

Blogging the different narratives of my life is the focus of therapy.

I see my therapist twice a week.

It is odd to have a pseudo-delusion.

I know that the alternates are me, but all it takes is one of them to decide “not me”…and no integration.

Mateo is more resistant.

I’ve seen people with DID described as phobic about themselves.

I think that’s true.

It’s overwhelming to think the abuse I remember is true.

Matthew is terrified of having lived through AIDS.

Mateo resents the gay identified males; Mateo and Sara want to
move into Second Life and be done with us.

Sara knows the body is male and Mateo knows the body is pale.

What does the child at the heart of this imaginary family need?

The child needs permission to develop and to thrive.

Children depend on adults for everything.

Permission is more than saying yes.

Permission validates the child through action and direction.

Permission has to be re-encoded into our everyday understanding of what we mean when we refer to the sanctity of human life.

Life is more than an organic process.

Life is also an awakening of the mind.

Without full access to our minds we become slaves to the passions of the moment, and to the whims of toxic people and toxic ideas.

As a child in the anti-Semitic South I was told I had no right to be alive.

That message was repeated by my government during the AIDS Epidemic.

I had no right to the kind of life taken for granted by ‘normal’ people
and  ‘good Capitalist Christians’.

This insight about permission is related to another recent insight.

I was not born crazy. I was made that way. On purpose.

The truth of it pains me.

Children are only here because we bring them here.

Children expect the adults in their lives to protect them.

If we are going to bring children into the world, shouldn’t we give
them the permission they need to thrive?

The beatings from my Mother and the neighbors divided
my person from my intellect.

I was a child that was instinctively inclined to use reason.

I was brutally punished for it and I could not understand why?

Instead, I wondered why God had made such a terrible little boy.

(c) Rob Goldstein 2014 All Rights Reserved

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14 thoughts on “Dying for Permission

  1. Thank you very much for sharing, similar experiences similar ‘solutions’; we stay in between fantasy and reality all the time. You write so much better than me, but the story and the message is the same : ) … Good to hear you have therapy for this, you can’t without. Jim

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am wondering how you come through all this, preserving such a blessed innocence and sensitivity. I feel so pulled to do or say something nurturing to you. I would have protected you if I’d been there.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. The DID worked: it preserved my intellect…the different aspects of my personality learned everything from hair dressing to I.T., creative writing, french literature and theology…

        I had to sacrifice emotional development to preserve my intellect…

        My therapist and I believe that the first split happened shortly after the birth of
        my sister when I was four.

        So there are areas of my psyche that are still frozen at the age of four.

        I don’t know if that’s good or bad–it’s not entirely bad for someone who wants to be an artist…

        I have noticed that women who have been Mother’s are the ones who describe what you are feeling.

        You are responding to the DID kid that invented the people who have helped us to make it through life.

        The freeze on my emotions is slowly beginning to lift…

        I know that I’m getting better and I expect that I will go through quite an evolution as a person over the next few months.

        Thank you for caring and thank you for telling me what you felt.

        I am honored that you care. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  2. So extremely sad. I think a party is strongly needed. A party to celebrate your life!!!! I imagine this for you , one filled with all the people you know and love and all the people that help you and all the people that today represent to you the love that your family could not do. For all the parts of you so that they know this and feel not the anger and despair and instead feel what you are. A kind one, a deeply caring one, one who expresses and reaches out to others and one who would do this no matter the beginnings. Much love Rob Goldstein

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Susy. I guess I don’t understand how it’s sad. That may be a product of my dissociative process but I think the fact that I’ve reclaimed my intellect to the degree that I can write about it makes it more transcendent.

      I celebrate that I can tell this story–and I think that the best way for each of us to celebrate life is to make a commitment to do some small thing to make our world safer for children who are at risk today…

      Please understand that I appreciate your comment…But I don’t think it’s sad that I lived long enough to get well enough to be able to describe what it feels like to be trapped by social policies that are fueled by hate and greed. It’s sad that it happened. But it’s over. That’s the good news.

      Like

      1. I see what happened to you as extremely sad and what and how you express and reach out to others as extremely brave.
        I see it as life changing for you and for others. I know your thoughts and efforts do reach others. I feel no pity for that is not of purpose nor what you intend.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.

      I think it’s important for people to know that I am doing what
      I can to heal myself.

      I see making the world better for other people as a different expression of self-interest. If I make the world better for others I make it better for myself.

      My hope is that someone who reads this will understand that we can take action today to end that part of the abuse that is institutional.

      Liked by 1 person

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