Digital Painting of a male and female avatar holding hands, titled: Join Me

Dissociative Identity Disorder: I Am not Me

It is 12:45 AM and I can’t sleep.

I’ve never seen another person with full-blown DID.

I don’t know what it looks like.

My experience of it is internal.

I don’t see what it looks like to other people because I’m
not present when the others are out.

I’m Mateo.

Digital photograph of an African American avatar that represents Mateo
Mateo-She is not me.

I don’t know what the body looks like when the female is out.

I’ve never worried about it because she is not me.

In my mind she has a body that looks like her avatar.

Art by Rob Goldstein
Sara Knits a 3-D Dream

It is 1:35 AM.

My heart pounds.

I can’t breathe.

Now I’m awake and having a panic attack. Why?

My mind goes back to the CPTSD group I attended today.

I hate that group.

I switch. Lose my place. I feel pain.

The others in the group;

they look haunted.

I think of Death’s ballroom in the Carnival of Souls.

It’s 1:40 AM and I am filled with self loathing and dread.

Again, I go back to the group.

One of the other members;

She was different this week.

She was late and sauntered arrogantly into the room.

Her hair pulled back, she wore a man’s tee shirt, and sat
with her legs spread; her speech was aggressive,
more confident, and angrier.

Her voice was deeper.

Her body was somehow more ripped.

She was a man.

She had switched and was totally different.

She was a man, not the woman I knew!

I’ve never seen DID for what it is and I’m
horrified.

Is that what happens when Sara is out?

Do I act like a man who thinks he’s a woman?

Rob Goldstein-2015-2018

First posted this in early treatment.
We’re less fragmented now.

18 thoughts on “Dissociative Identity Disorder: I Am not Me

  1. Also, I’m thinking that what I write to you is not in understanding of what you are feeling, when I reread it. I’m sorry if perceived this way or relegated to she doesn’t have a clue. I probably don’t

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very few people are able to fully grasp something as complex as Dissociative Identity Disorder. Even though I have it seeing it on someone else was distressing to the point of causing panic attacks. It was as if I didn’t have a clue…and quite
      often I don’t. This is why I like to focus on the moment. Am I doing my best in the moment, are you? if the answer is yes then that is more than enough.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe when you are the you that is writing now you might want to illustrate a writing that is your concept of who each person is, concentrating on both who they are and what they look like sort of a hello to all and it represents them. As if yes they are in avatar form but also you can turn to the chapters of each and a friendly way to say hello to them. I think they would like to be represented this way also and it’s not I guess in the past way of how they came to be or why. It’s more they are receiving recognition, maybe a drawing of them or even snapshots in a pickup and touch form. Perhaps also, thinking, a snapshot of when you switch so that you can look at yourself.
    As for being or feeling horrified. I relate this to all the things we do that we are not very proud of, all the things we do in anger or all the things we don’t do. Yes, it can be overwhelming and send one into despair of spirit. But, we remain human in all the components each of us has and we have to find a way to come to terms with this and though each of us has approaches, some we are happy of and some we wish to bury deep and forget about. Find within you Rob in all of you the parts that speak of valor, of hope, of your right to do this and accept yourself as always a path to greatness though there are detours. Each part of you has goodness within, each part of you has this. There are two pieces of paper, one says, for me the world was created, the other I am but dust and ashes. Write and put each into a pocket and read when you need to based on how you feel. Balance, Rob

    Liked by 2 people

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