It is 12:45 AM and I can’t sleep.
I’ve never seen another person with full-blown DID.
I don’t know what it looks like.
My experience of it is internal.
I don’t see what it looks like to other people because I’m
not present when the others are out.
I don’t know what the body looks like when the female is out.
I’ve never worried about it because she is not me.
In my mind she has a body that looks like her avatar.
It is 1:35 AM.
My heart pounds.
I can’t breathe.
Now I’m awake and having a panic attack. Why?
My mind goes back to the CPTSD group I attended today.
I hate that group.
I switch. Lose my place. I feel pain.
The others in the group;
they look haunted.
I think of Death’s ballroom in the Carnival of Souls.
It’s 1:40 AM and I am filled with self loathing and dread.
Again, I go back to the group.
One of the other members;
She was different this week.
She was late and sauntered arrogantly into the room.
Her hair pulled back, she wore a man’s tee shirt, and sat
with her legs spread; her speech was aggressive,
more confident, and angrier.
Her voice was deeper.
Her body was somehow more ripped.
She was a man.
She had switched and was totally different.
She was a man, not the woman I knew!
I’ve never seen DID for what it is and I’m
Is that what happens when Sara is out?
Do I act like a man who thinks he’s a woman?
First posted this in early treatment.
We’re less fragmented now.