After the Lovin’- Five things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

Portrait of My Mother
Portrait of My Mother

This post is revised as of April, 11 2016 and re-blogged here: After the Lovin’: Five Vicious Things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

There is self-esteem and grandiose narcissism.

There is the sense that you can accomplish your goals and grandiose narcissism.

My Mother was brutally narcissistic.

In her mind, I was an object, a toy used to control and dominate my father; a thing she used to secure and please new boyfriends.

A thing.

My Mother’s control over my intellectual and emotional life was so complete that when she cried, I cried.

I cried even when I didn’t know why she was crying.

Today’s therapy session focused on the fact that I still “discover” that someone I care about and admire is a pathological narcissist.

I repeatedly “discover”  that the breach of boundaries, the use of my resources without consideration, the inflated claims of competence and the derision for anyone who dares to contradict outright lies are signs that I’m in another cycle of repetition.

I meet my Mother everywhere.

Especially on social media.

Has a group admin on Flickr had the effrontery to remove your truly awful porn from a fine art group?

Create a new account with a new username and re-post it.

Has someone on Google+ blocked you for posting obscenities to their posts?

Create a new account and post the same obscenities again.

Has someone been so rude as to point out that realistically, a Second Life  avatar is not you, it has no needs, and is nothing more than a digital puppet?

Create multiple accounts and stalk him with ridiculing names when he logs in, or even better—accuse him of copyright violations to have him banned.

My involvement with narcissists in psychiatric terminology is a “traumatic replication” and of all the damage that my Mother did to me, this is the worst.

Even worse than the Dissociative Personalities.

The parade of narcissists that I invite into my life as a compulsion to “fix” and “please” my Mother often makes me feel trapped and helpless.

My Mother would want me helpless and trapped were she alive today.

I’ve learned to say no, but I’m still not so great at “seeing” a “traumatic replication”until it’s too late.

I still only see the signs of pathological narcissism until the damage begins.

It’s not the love bombs that tip me of…it’s the inevitable whisper campaign
and outright theft of my property and work.

These are the five actions that you can expect a narcissist to take when you tell a narcissist to move on:

Stalking:

Expect a narcissist to treat setting a personal boundary as a violation of their rights.

My Mother barged into my bedroom at all hours.

She read my mail.

She even took the two dollars my grandparents sent me as a weekly allowance.

What was mine was my Mother’s which meant nothing was really mine.

This was my normal.

I still tend to give my possessions to people who think giving is for suckers.

I still don’t understand that what is mine is mine.

To a narcissist “sharing” things is nothing more than giving them their due.

In life, stalking can take the form of “letting you know” that they watched you eating at 2AM through your kitchen window.

Why would someone be up at 2 AM to watch me eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon?

Because in his mind it breaches a boundary that shouldn’t apply to him.

Online this breach of boundaries can look like excessive admiration.

Or it can be creating a new account in the hope of seducing me into another relationship.

Or it can mean taking over a portion of one of my social media accounts.

Never trust anyone with the keys to any of your social media accounts.

Smear Campaigns

When the two of you first met you were the golden boy, an angel, a man of intellect and gifts.

Now you are merde and everyone needs to know; especially other narcissists who also hate you because you might actually have a knack for doing something they can’t do.

You must be neutralized.

The talents and accomplishments of other people are threats to a narcissist regardless of his own talents and accomplishments.

One way to neutralize a threat is to attach in a way that allows him to control you.

I love how you love ME.

When a narcissist loves you, it is because you have something he wants.

If you are beautiful in life then he will want your beauty as a show of his appeal.

In virtual reality, it can work the same way.

A narcissist in virtual reality is quite happy with someone who has an appealing avatar and a flair
for witty banter.

By virtue of being conquered, you are flawed.

No one hates himself more than a narcissist.

The qualities that drew him to you are a threat.

Especially if you’ve begun to see through the facade and can no longer remain blind to the obvious.

Opinions that contradict the narcissists own good opinion of himself are intolerable.

Anyone who questions the absolute right of the narcissist to do as he or she pleases is subject to a ruthless smear campaign.

This is where the shamelessness of pathological narcissism is an advantage.

In life, it will be shamelessly taking two dollars a week from a six-year-old.

Online it often takes the form of comments or actions designed to induce ridicule or shame.

For about a month last year, someone named ‘whoamiagain?” appeared near my virtual studio in Second Life regardless of which alternate showed up.

If you think that leaving a narcissist is as easy as walking out then be ready.

They will do whatever it takes to make sure you can’t ignore them.

This is different from letting you know they’re watching.

This is stalking and smear campaign combined.

Triangulation

My Mother convinced me that my Father was “the enemy.”

As a child, I blamed my Father for all of my suffering. He was slow. He was stupid. He was the reason we had no money; not the fact that my Mother thought a credit card was free money and thus used them with no regard to the damage she did to the economic well-being of the family.

I hated my Father because my Mother told me to. I’ve yet to discover what my real feelings for him are and suspect that I have none because so much of my Mother’s emotional life became mine by default.

In life, this can look like a neighbor telling people I don’t know about my “tragic” mental state complete with outright lies about my violent rages.

Online it takes the form of telling people who don’t know me a story of half-truths and innuendo.

Building a minion.

The Vampire metaphor is perfect for pathological narcissism.

The Vampire is a predator corpse whose ‘existence’ requires the living.

In the jargon of substance abuse treatment, this is ‘codependency.’

The co-dependent lives to suffer from the addict he or she enables.

Certainly, addicts and narcissists share much in common.

However, a man or a woman in the full bloom of an addiction simply lacks the organizational skill to manipulate other people into participating in a campaign of harassment and intimidation.

The goal of the narcissist is to destroy anyone who stops enabling him and is thus a potential source of shame.

In life, this can be contacting a potential property owner who is about to rent to you and fabricating a destructive lie, with the help of a ‘friend’ who is vulnerable to triangulation.

Online this often involves initiating a whisper campaign designed to cause people to drop you as a contact.

The point is they can’t do it alone.

Shaming.

The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore him. Once you’ve set your boundaries and have proven that you can keep them you can expect an inevitable tirade of accusations designed to make
you feel uncertain of yourself, and flawed.

If that doesn’t work they use a tactic called hoovering.

The narcissist is fueled by an arrogant sense of entitlement.

You’re not supposed to mean ‘no’ when you say it.

The narcissist is weakest in this area, especially if they are trying to shame someone who might be healthy enough to simply not care about what they think or say.

Not caring is a remarkable sign of health and independence for someone who spent life trapped in an endless cycle of replication.

In life, this can be as simple as complaining that he tried to reach you yesterday because he felt ill, but fortunately, he was able to find someone who isn’t so “shut-down.”

Online this often looks like something I call an email bomb.

 

The Name of the Game is Shame
The Name of the Game is Shame

 

Whatever the strategy; the narcissist will do everything in his power to shame you into submission.

Your job is to protect yourself.

Just as the Vampire lives only in darkness, the narcissist moves in secret.

Your words and the details that he learns about your life will become weapons for your destruction.

You can protect yourself.

In life, I cc every correspondence between a narcissist and myself to my therapist.

Online, I make letter bombs and other forms of psychological abuse public.

If a narcissist knows about your history of abuse expect him to use it to trigger you.

We survivors of abuse must understand that we cannot change what happened.

We will never please the narcissistic parent who abused us.

I’m finally healthy enough to understand that I can stop trying to please my Mother.

I can have my life now.

It’s OK for me to like it.

Now I need to learn to protect it.

RG
Blog for Mental Health 2015mhwgmember2015

 

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16 thoughts on “After the Lovin’- Five things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

  1. Wow, Rob, I am impressed that you have grown up to be such a talented man after all that you’ve been through! Yes, always protect yourself and your happiness! 😉 ❤
    Peace, love & justice for all,
    Sherrie
    Sherrie Miranda’s historically based, coming of age, Adventure novel “Secrets & Lies in El Salvador” is about an American girl in war-torn El Salvador:
    http://tinyurl.com/klxbt4y
    Her husband made a video for her novel. He wrote the song too:

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      1. Rob, I’m having trouble finding your WP posts of your art! I really want to share some, but it looks like maybe you moved your art? Or am I such a technophobe that I just can’t see what’s right in front of my face? 😉 ❤
        Peace,
        Sherrie

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for leaving this comment.

        The result was that I reviewed the post and realized that I had a deeper understanding of the subject. So I rewrote it.

        I’m not sure why you are unable to share the images…the photo on the image is linked to my Flickr account…but as far as I know you should be able to share; and I am glad that you want to. 🙂

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    1. Oh yes…they will do this and smugly watch you struggle to comprehend a malicious mind that delights in torturing people…someone who is essentially mediocre but who can turn vicious contempt into an art.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have had little firsthand experience with Narcissists, but I know them. They’re around. I see them in shared spaces with shared people. I enjoyed this post immensely, and since I think it’s been at least a week since I wrote it, I feel it’s okay to let you know I think you’re brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s very painful to realize that someone you’ve trusted is willing to place you in harms way to avoid feeling the shame that normal people can manage. Shame is an important aspect of empathy and a function of our lives as social beings. I am learning to understand that I have a role in the dance…

      My job is to see and transcend the need to give myself to people who treat me with contempt.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. One of the questions I’ve had to ask in therapy is what my part is in what I call a dance of psychological death. In keeping with the vampire analogy it is crucial to remember that the corpse can’t enter your home unless he/she is invited.

        Liked by 2 people

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