Section of a graffiti drawing in Clarion Aley that shows a innocent woman in the arms of Satan

After the Lovin’- Five things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

There is self-esteem and grandiose narcissism.

There is the sense that you can carry out your goals and grandiose narcissism.

My Mother was brutally narcissistic.

In her mind, I was an object, a toy she used to control and dominate my father; a thing she used to secure and please new boyfriends.

I was her thing.

My Mother’s control over my intellectual and emotional life was so complete
when she cried
, I cried.

I cried even when I didn’t know why she was crying.

Today’s therapy session focused on the fact that I still “discover” that someone I care about and admire is a pathological narcissist.

I repeatedly “discover”  the breach of boundaries, the use of my resources without consideration, the inflated claims of competence and the derision for anyone who dares to contradict outright lies.

I meet my Mother everywhere.

Has a group admin on Flickr had the effrontery to remove your truly awful Second Life porn from a fine art group?

Create a new account with a new username and re-post it.

Has someone on Google+ blocked you for posting obscenities to their posts?

Create multiple accounts and stalk him with ridiculing names when he logs in, or even better—accuse him of copyright violations to have him banned.

My involvement with narcissists is a clinical symptom called “traumatic replication” and of all the damage my Mother did to me, this need to
recreate my sick relationship with her is the worst.

Thanks to therapy I’ve learned how to tell these emotional vampires to move on.

These are the five actions that you can expect a narcissist to take when you tell a narcissist to move on:

 Stalking

Expect a narcissist to treat setting a personal boundary as a violation
of his right to control your life.

My Mother barged into my bedroom at all hours.

She read my mail.

She even took the two bucks my grandparents sent me as a weekly allowance.

What was mine was Mother’s which meant nothing was really mine.

I still don’t completely understand that what is mine is mine.

To a narcissist sharing is nothing more than giving them their due.

In life, stalking can take the form of “letting you know” they watched
you eating at 2AM through your kitchen window.

Why would someone be up at 2 AM to watch me eat peanut butter out
of a jar with a spoon?

Because in her mind it breaches a boundary that shouldn’t apply.

Online this breach of boundaries can look like excessive admiration.

Or it can be creating a new account in the hope of conning me into
another relationship.

Or it can mean taking over a portion of one of my social media accounts.

Never trust anyone with the keys to any of your social media accounts.

Smear Campaigns

When the two of you first met you were the golden boy, an angel, a man of
intellect and gifts.

Now you are merde and everyone needs to know; especially other narcissists who also hate you because you might actually have a knack for doing something they can’t do.

You must be neutralized.

When a narcissist ‘loves’ you, it is because you have something he wants.

If you are beautiful in life then he will want your beauty as a show of his appeal.

In virtual reality, it can work the same way.

A narcissist in virtual reality is quite happy with someone who has an
appealing avatar and a flair for witty banter.

By virtue of being conquered, you are flawed.

No one hates himself more than a narcissist.

The qualities that drew him to you are a threat.

Especially if you’ve begun to see through the facade and are
longer blind to the obvious.

Opinions that contradict the narcissists good opinion of himself are intolerable.

Anyone who questions the absolute right of the narcissist to do as he or she pleases is subject to a ruthless smear campaign.

This is where the shamelessness of pathological narcissism is an advantage.

In life, it will be shameful to take money from a six-year-old.

Online it takes the form of comments or actions designed to ridicule and shame.

If you think that leaving a narcissist is as easy as walking out then be ready:

They will do whatever it takes to make sure you can’t ignore them.

This is different from letting you know they’re watching.

This is stalking and smear campaign combined.

Triangulation

My Mother convinced me that my Father was “the enemy.”

As a child, I blamed my Father for all of my suffering.

My Father was slow.

My Father was stupid.

My Father was the reason we were broke; not my Mother’s use of
credit cards as free money.

I hated my Father because my Mother told me to.

I’ve yet to discover what my real feelings for him are and suspect that I have none because so much of my Mother’s emotional life became mine by default.

In life a triangulation telling people I don’t know about my “tragic” mental state complete with outright lies about violent rages.

Online it takes the form of telling people who don’t know me a story of
half-truths and innuendo.

Building a minion.

The Vampire metaphor is perfect for pathological narcissism.

The Vampire is a predator corpse whose ‘existence’ requires the living.

In the jargon of substance abuse treatment, this is ‘codependency.’

The co-dependent lives to suffer from the addict he or she enables.

Certainly, addicts and narcissists share much in common.

However, a man or a woman in the full bloom of an addiction simply lacks the organizational skill to manipulate other people into participating in a campaign of harassment and intimidation.

The goal of the narcissist is to destroy anyone who becomes a potential source of shame.

In life, this can be contacting a potential property owner who is about to rent to you and fabricating a destructive lie, with the help of a ‘friend’ who is vulnerable to triangulation.

Online this often involves initiating a whisper campaign designed to cause people to drop you as a contact.

The point is they can’t do it alone.

 Shaming.

The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore him.

Once you’ve set your boundaries and have proven that you can keep them you can expect an inevitable tirade of accusations designed to make you feel uncertain of yourself, and flawed.

If that doesn’t work they use a tactic called hoovering.

The narcissist is fueled by an arrogant sense of entitlement.

You’re not supposed to mean ‘no’ when you say it.

The narcissist is weakest in this area, especially if they are trying to shame someone
who might be healthy enough to ignore what the narcissist says.

Not caring is a remarkable sign of health and independence for someone who spent life trapped in an endless cycle of replication.

In life, hoovering is as simple as complaining that he tried to reach you yesterday because he felt ill, but fortunately, he was able to find someone who isn’t so “shut-down.”

Online this often looks like something I call an email bomb.

 

The Name of the Game is Shame
The Name of the Game is Shame

The narcissist will do everything in his power to shame you into submission.

Your job is to protect yourself.

Just as the Vampire lives only in darkness, the narcissist moves in secret.

Your words and the details that he learns about your life will become weapons for your destruction.

You can protect yourself.

In life, I cc every correspondence between a narcissist and myself to my therapist.

Online, I make letter bombs and other forms of psychological abuse public.

If a narcissist knows about your history of abuse expect him to use it to trigger you.

We survivors of abuse must understand that we cannot change what happened.

We will never please the narcissistic parent who abused us.

I’m finally healthy enough to understand that I can stop trying to please my Mother.

I can have my life now.

It’s OK for me to like it.

Now I need to learn to protect it.

(c) Rob Goldstein 2015-2017

 

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43 thoughts on “After the Lovin’- Five things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

  1. Powerful post Rob. Sadly, I can relate to much of it. Your story is similar to mine – growing up with a narcissistic mother and a father who was as emotionally abused as me and my siblings. It took me 50 years to learn to say no, no contact. Writing 2 books about my life with her influence was cathartic. I became whole again when I finally made no contact but it was a long road of almost half a century.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment. The first five years of our lives establishes a baseline for what we know about relationships and love. If our parents are psychologically warped and expresses what they call love in ways that are abusive that’s the love we will spend a lifetime suffering. We can think our way out of some of those but thinking is a skill, and many abused children come from areas where the adults have voted to cut funding for education so the abuse is often compounded by the problem of not learning to use reason.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with what you say, and without therapy but an aunt who was my savior and moving away from home as a teen and building healthy friendships and reading tons of self help books and of course writing, I learned to step outside the box and look in. Despite that there was no way we’re going to change a narcissist but I was fully aware of her wily ways. Sure I let her emotionally beat me up through phone calls and when I had to take care of her but I left her several years before she died. When she died I made peace with myself and let go of the guilt. It took me almost 50 years but I’m there now. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This was Tuesday’s discussion with my therapist: what do you do when you love someone who does awful things. It’s a bind because their refusal to take responsibility for their behavior is how they make it our problem. Narcs test the limits of modern civilized norms and dare us to hold them accountable. My Mother died when I was in my late 20’s. She was drunk and cursing and met the wrong man. I spent years processing her death.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Loving someone who does awful things is self sabotage. It’s our cue to learn (from prior experience) that we can’t fix people – especially those who don’t know they are broken.
        I’m sorry for what you endured with your mother. I spent years processing how I would react upon her death – would I go to her deathbed (no I didn’t). It was a tumultous 7 years for me. By the time she died I’d been close to processing and what I hadn’t got rid of I did after writing P.S. I Forgive You. I learned how forgiveness helped me move on. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Loving someone who does awful things is self-sabotage if one can’t set boundaries. I’ll give you an example: the damage done by my parents was passed to my nephew.

        I love my Nephew, I can see that he has a keen mind and I’d love to show him how to use
        it but we are very different people. He has a girlfriend who says and does awful things and
        she has managed to drive a wedge between us. What is the best way to love him?

        I think the best way to love him is by accepting his decision with the hope that someday he will
        change his mind.

        This question came to mind while I was thinking about the political situation in the U.S.

        How does one love ones country when it has a history of doing terrible things? I think the answer
        is by focusing on the values we espouse and those times when we’ve lived up to them.

        I think it works the same way with people.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Very moving and very frightening, Rob. There seem to be quite a few narcissists around. A dear friend split up with her husband fairly recently and only afterwards with the help of a counsellor, did she learn he was a narcissist – the same counsellor had also treated them together. I’ve never cared for my aunt by marriage but could never work out why. Only recently after conversations with one of my cousins who has just published a memoir about his heroin addiction in his 20s was it clear that she is another narcissist. It always felt like she was showing off about my cousins’ successes and not really taking pleasure in it. This made me very small and inconsequential coming as I did from a self-obsessed, manic-depressive mother. Aren’t families fun!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always felt as if I didn’t know enough and wasn’t smart enough.

      I got this message came from my narcissistic Mother.

      It resulted in a series of relationships with men and women that replicated
      the psychodynamics of the primary relationship.

      It took me years to find the psychotherapist who would help me to see what I was doing.

      Narcissists are always addicted to something. My Mother was an alcoholic but I’ve been
      involved with narcissists who were addicted to money and power.

      The behavior is always the same.

      They always lie.

      They always gaslight.

      They always triangulate.

      They always demean.

      They always believe they have the right to ruin the relationships and lives of the
      people they say they love.

      The most astonishing aspect of this moment in American politics is the number of
      sick, co-dependent people in positions of power.

      How has it happened?

      One thought is this: an epidemic of substance abuse also means an epidemic of co-
      dependent enabling that normalizes abusive and demeaning language and behavior.

      A press secretary who turns her will and identity over to a pathological liar.

      A co-dependent daughter who normalizes being sexualized by her Father.

      A Senate riddled with cheats that remorselessly gaslight and divide the
      American people.

      Addicts behave like narcissists; AA calls this a character flaw and describes it as believing
      you are the piece of shit around which the world revolves.

      If we are to save our nation’s soul the We the People are going to have to be brutally
      honest with ourselves.

      It’s the only way to heal from the psychological abuse of an addicted narcissist.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, yes and yes. I didn’t know enough, wasn’t smart enough, attractive enough, read the wrong books, was not having the successful career she’d had…and my mother was bi-polar. It is a frightening thought to consider the number of co-dependents out there. Honesty has to be the only way.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve learned that healthy people eventually catch onto them so their smear campaigns only work with enablers. The first question anyone should ask when someone comes to them with a nasty piece of gossip is ‘Why are you telling me this?”

      Once you realize other people can see the sickness too the gas-lighting also stops working.

      It’s more difficult to come to terms with the question of how such a malignant personality made its way into your life. But this seems to be the question on the lips of many Americans in 2018.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. A powerful and informative post. Your courage in sharing (and deconstructing) this painful and corrosive experience will undoubtedly help others. May the future hold more happiness for you than the past.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They are curious creatures, these narcissists. They are shameless and shamelessly open about it; and they will do anything to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. Absolutely anything. Thank you for the visit!

      Like

  4. Wow, Rob, I am impressed that you have grown up to be such a talented man after all that you’ve been through! Yes, always protect yourself and your happiness! 😉 ❤
    Peace, love & justice for all,
    Sherrie
    Sherrie Miranda’s historically based, coming of age, Adventure novel “Secrets & Lies in El Salvador” is about an American girl in war-torn El Salvador:
    http://tinyurl.com/klxbt4y
    Her husband made a video for her novel. He wrote the song too:

    Like

      1. Rob, I’m having trouble finding your WP posts of your art! I really want to share some, but it looks like maybe you moved your art? Or am I such a technophobe that I just can’t see what’s right in front of my face? 😉 ❤
        Peace,
        Sherrie

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for leaving this comment.

        The result was that I reviewed the post and realized that I had a deeper understanding of the subject. So I rewrote it.

        I’m not sure why you are unable to share the images…the photo on the image is linked to my Flickr account…but as far as I know you should be able to share; and I am glad that you want to. 🙂

        Like

    1. Oh yes…they will do this and smugly watch you struggle to comprehend a malicious mind that delights in torturing people…someone who is essentially mediocre but who can turn vicious contempt into an art.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I have had little firsthand experience with Narcissists, but I know them. They’re around. I see them in shared spaces with shared people. I enjoyed this post immensely, and since I think it’s been at least a week since I wrote it, I feel it’s okay to let you know I think you’re brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s very painful to realize that someone you’ve trusted is willing to place you in harms way to avoid feeling the shame that normal people can manage. Shame is an important aspect of empathy and a function of our lives as social beings. I am learning to understand that I have a role in the dance…

      My job is to see and transcend the need to give myself to people who treat me with contempt.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. One of the questions I’ve had to ask in therapy is what my part is in what I call a dance of psychological death. In keeping with the vampire analogy it is crucial to remember that the corpse can’t enter your home unless he/she is invited.

        Liked by 2 people

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