When I first saw the post by Sara this morning I flipped out. I had no memory of writing it and I was uncomfortable with her anger.
I was especially uncomfortable with that part of her writing that seemed to ridicule.
I had a long session with my therapist today and a long chat with a lifelong friend who also has DID.
Both of them pointed out that I am being stalked by at least three people.
Both of them pointed out that the email and comments I’ve received are not only intrusive but designed to provoke me into behaving irrationally.
Both of them pointed out that Sara’s response is proper for a Mother who is protective of her children.
And last, both pointed out that I owe no consideration at all to people who are intrusive, one of them actively engaged in behaviors that she knows will produce a trigger response because I was foolish enough to trust her with information that left my entire system vulnerable.
Sara is responding to behavior that I was unable to name.
People who show up in private virtual space uninvited and for no other reason than to provoke fear and shame are stalkers.
Sara saw this. I didn’t.
Given that DID is my primary strategy for coping with stress and given the fact that I write so openly about it, anyone who decides to play mind games with me must answer why?
Why are you going out of your way to psychologically stress a man when you know he is struggling with a mental illness?
What kind of person are you?
It is true that I am being stalked.
I logged in to my Second Life account to find that someone had dumped enough virtual material onto my virtual studio that I could barely use it.
I won’t go into the technical details of CPU times but the result was that I had to remove these items to use my studio.
This is a form of stalking; especially when she is running around telling people the lie that I locked her out of my studio for no reason at all.
Why is this woman stalking me and why does she need to create this drama in my life?
I open my email to find photographs of second life avatars having sex, one of them in bondage, and one of which looks like a child.
Why is this woman playing games with my abuse history?
I log into Face book to find myself besieged by guilt tripping apologies from someone I do not remember friending and who I am not so sure I want to friend.
I log into Flickr mail to find a series of nasty accusations that I am stealing public art.
Why does this man who knows that all public art is also public domain and who knows that I have memory problems working to confuse and berate me.
My inability to see these actions as signs of danger to my psyche resulted in a rage response from a Sara.
I can see now that Sara’s response was appropriate.
Such people really are a stain in the cathedral of the mind.
Cyber stalking is the use of electronic communications such as e-mail for harassment, intimidation and psychological abuse.
A cyber-stalker focuses on a specific person, whom the cyber stalker contacts with messages that are often covertly demeaning but can be aggressively hostile.
How do you know when you are being stalked?
“You get email from some one after you have already told that person you don’t want to correspond with them. The person basically ignores you and repeatedly sends you email.”
I’ve received almost an email a day from one person after I told her that I wanted a break.
“The stalker doesn’t stop . They are constantly at you regardless of what is going on. They can also be super nice to you and offer to help you or demeaning and hostile. The point is that they don’t stop.”
The stalker invites everything I post to Flickr into every Flickr group that she moderates regardless of the theme or quality of the work even though I’ve asked her to stop. It also causes other members to think she is one of my alternates.
“They show an intense interest in you. They ask you personal questions, trying to elicit personal facts about your private life.”
I expect people to ask me about DID and to be curious about it from a clinical perspective, but that is not the same as posing as someone with a mental illness to gain sympathy and trust and then using that trust to try to discover information about my sexuality, my gender identity or to imply that my DID is not real. Sara picked up on this in another communication, again because the ‘little one’s” sensed that something was wrong.
Harassment: Repeatedly sending offensive, rude, and insulting messages.
“In the past two weeks I’ve received three messages from a guy on Flickr that essentially call me names: I’m a jerk, I’m a thief, and I’m a liar. He has made these accusations against me to other Flickr members.
“Hi Rob. You should know that I think your a Jerk. You put murals, that are created by other SF artists, you put them on your flickr page and pass them off as your own. But what REALLLY infuriates me is that you put photos of these murals on your own website and say that they are your own. Your a FAKE!”
Starting rumors or spreading gossip online.
All three of these people have gone out of their way to spread lies. The person who sends me the porn is upset because I won’t let her Second Life “art” into my art groups — well, because it’s not art. Her lie is that I’m an elitist who is jealous because of my lack of fame in Second Life.
I don’t really understand how being famous in Second Life counts as fame at all but I suppose its is incidental to those who pursue it. I find the culture in Second Life decadent and absurd so this rumor means nothing to me. But I did not know that the sight of her pornographic images affected my child alternates as badly as they do. Especially the images that seem to include avatars that look like children.
The woman who stalks me in SL, Flickr and WordPress leaves off topic statements in the comments section of some of my WordPress posts. This was a comment made to my post of Martin Luther King which I called, ‘This is what a Christian Looks Like”:
“Try again, Rob, and if you don’t want to post that comment, scratch it but, to try means to fail, to succeed means you kept trying. Have a good day, Rob and remember it’s not all high prominent Christians, there are many many people out there who speak out. (because you titled the post on Flickr that way) If you need to explain this comment, so be it. Anyone wants me to explain it cuz they take offense so be it, too.”
Try what again? The post is of a picture of Dr. Martin Luther King who was a Christian and laid down his life for his principles. The idea was understood by everyone who read it. The text was nothing more than a biography that I got from wiki. Why leave a comment if you don’t want a discussion? Why should I have to explain her comment? Why assume that people will take offense unless being offensive is your goal? This kind of comment is designed to draw attention to the self. The idea is to subvert the post and make her digression the focus of discussion. To restate the closing line: If my off topic comment pisses people off well so be it because my goal is to hijack your post.
If you don’t know what a ‘prim’ or a ‘scripted’ object is consider yourself lucky. In Second Life too many of these things compromise computer performance by eating up CPU time. When she dumped 500 prims worth of scripted objects into my virtual studio she essentially made a mess and forced me to clean it up. My therapist thinks that she is behaving provocatively to make me react in a way that looks ‘crazy’ which will make her look like a victim. This is a typical strategy of the narcissist. Lie, react badly when caught in a lie, provoke the target to make the lie real and go back to lying.
I find it telling that I’ve only been a member for a few weeks and I’m all ready dealing with hysterical drama from someone who is both attacking and apologetic.
I think that this was the last straw for my ‘kids’.
The amount of email that I received that contained guilt tripping friend requests combined with the suspicious undertones of hostility was what finally resulted in Sara’s decision to take over and protect.
I started the day in shame over Sara’s post, but thanks to my therapist and one of my best friends I now understand that she did what was best…and that she did it in a way that let me know that I must stay aware of my illness in every decision that I make…especially when it comes to my relationships online.
As it is, it only takes one lie, one rumor, one unprovoked attack to lose my trust forever.
I suppose Sara’s point is that simply ignoring unprovoked attacks still leaves the most vulnerable aspects of me defenseless.