Sunday, October 25th, 2015

Sunday, October 25th

The brilliance of the internet is that there are hundred million things I don’t have to be to learn how it feels to be one of them.

RG October 2015

TCHAIKOVSKY: Piano Concerto No. 1 in B-flat Minor, Op. 23
Clifford Curzon, pian0
III. Allegro con fuoco
The New Symphony Orchestra
George Szell, conductor
London LLP 276
Recorded in Kingsway Hall, September, 1950
Digital transfer by F. Reeder

Usage Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0

 

A Star is Born – An All Around Artist

Vote for your favorite performer in round three of A Star is Born – An All Around Artist. The performances are all excellent.

The Neighborhood

Kendall F. Person
Good evening. My name is Kendall F. Person and I will be your host. The 8 remaining Artists also known as the 2015 Best Performance of the Year Nominees, were give given a more difficult challenge this week, and were backdoor-ed into it, as a matter of fact (big smile) As artists, once we have learned, perfected and master our craft, we find that we become better attuned in  understanding the other genres of The Arts.

As they trailed in one by in the Backstage Access Room, they were asked a general but pointed question, What is the one genre of The Arts, that you are unfamiliar with but would like to come more studied in?
Tonight’s performances are raw, unedited and created under the pressure of a timer in a discipline of the arts that they may or may not have ever practiced….. until now. Take in the entire…

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WTF?

Based on a Wall Mural in Clarion Alley 2015

 

Dissociative Identity Disorder means that I have a multiplicity of reactions to every possibility of every moment of my life.

My task is to find solutions that do the least harm to myself and the people I love.

Monday October 19th was full WTF moments.

There was waking up to find myself knocked out of A Star is Born.

Even when you know that a competition isn’t about your worth as a person or your talent as an artist there is that little kid inside that wants to be the best.

The kid goes off and pouts while my reasoning brain tries to sound gracious and my rage seethes with questions about rumors that there was a conspiracy afoot.

Yes, these are The Days of the Lives of My Brain and what I’ve described was one moment.

I am fragile but not needy.

I am aware that my psychological health is tenuous but I have a strong intellect and I use my natural tendency to compartmentalize to compensate for distorted perceptions and unstable emotions.

Just as a chronic pain patient has break through pain; so I have moments of instability that break through the intellectual dam that I construct to prevent myself from feeling overwhelmed and losing control.

I often think of these episodes as lapses in manners and not moments of illness; our culture’s dismissal of  mental illness as a ‘behavioral’ choice, is my internalized first reaction to my symptoms.

My first questions are always, what have I done? Who have I hurt? To whom should I apologize?

I never think to ask the more obvious questions, such as, “Why did you let such a destructive bitch into your life? WTF is up with that?”

***

My WTF moments are always so fraught with the toxic forces that shaped my DID that I’m often left speechless.

My WTF moments are moments when the only smart thing to do is shut-up and think.

This is why I’ve been on a break from blogging.

My therapist and I discussed the comment that prompted me to write: “I’m the person you don’t know…

My therapist thought that the comment I referenced in this post was from the woman in my real life, the narcissist on the third floor.

My therapist and the Narcissist on the Third Floor are in correspondence because the narcissist on the third floor believes that if she writes enough horrible things about me my therapist will see that she, the narcissist, has a life of blameless purity and that any sincere soul can make the mistake of blatantly and consciously lying to a man’s doctor to sabotage his treatment and health.

She says she honestly believed I had imagined the filth and rodent infestation that I had seen in her apartment even though it was so filthy and infested with mice, that when she finally had her apartment cleaned, it took a hazmat team to do it.

How unreasonable of me to expect an apology for an innocent mistake based on her innocent refusal to see reality.

My therapist said that in essence, all narcissists follow the same pattern of projection and denial.

They are all a lethal two year-old with an adult intellect and an absolute belief in their divine right to do as they please.

No one can say no to them.

Not even if it’s reasonable.

The word no and setting a personal boundary invites slander in physical reality and on the internet it invites a smear campaign conducted by a chorus of bullying sock puppets.

I really don’t know what kind of person uses Second Life.

There was a time when I thought the entire membership consisted of unethical gamers, sex addicts and pathological narcissists.

Now I realize that this isn’t true.

I only know the members that I know and they are screened by a system of filters of which I was completely unaware until recently.

Despite these filters I know some nice people in SL.

But, I did not understand how badly damaged my judgment was until I joined Second Life and other social networks.

This is what I mean when I say that the process of becoming aware of the psychological damage caused by child abuse is gradual, time-consuming, and a much more complicated process than simply changing one’s thoughts.

In my case, thinking that the solution is as simple as repeating a mantra is part of the problem.

I don’t have my thoughts.

I have my Mother’s thoughts.

***

One thing I’ve learned about the internet is that what we don’t know about each other is almost everything.

I don’t really know you, even though my eyes might light up when I see your name on a post or I smile with pleasure as you tell a wonderful old joke in a completely new way.

I assess your integrity on what do you do, how you treat people; do you walk your talk or do you just talk?

I want people to take everything I say with skepticism because if they do they might be tempted to prove me wrong and to prove me wrong they will have to learn about Dissociative Identity Disorder and when they learn about it they’ll realize that I’m not lying.

This is a crucial insight for me as I check the changes in my life wrought by five years of therapy, and a year as a working artist with a blog.

I’ve not earned a dime but what I’ve learned is invaluable; and many of the people I’ve met have confirmed my best suspicions about humanity: that at our best we are deeply flawed, but with humility, we are more like angels than demons.

In this sense “behaviorism” is correct.

We can question our worst impulses and curb our savage need to take more than we need at the cost of other people; or we can cave to instincts best suited to the wild and make life Hell for ourselves and everyone else.

The question is not if we will choose to end our misery by making different and better choices; but when.

(c) RG 2015

 

Transitions

The Neighborhood

Sometimes the transition from being in control of your life, to having absolutely no control is swift, but other times it is so gradual, that you wonder exactly when it truly began. – Mickey Rooney

transitions

*******

There is no need to imagine, most of us will admit, and all of us know, that there have been times in our lives when we were spinning in circles, some of us even spinning out of control.  Running so fast and so hard, accomplishing nothing, but the ability to convince others, and sometimes ourselves that we are one step closer from becoming rulers of the world. Sometimes, we run out breathe. And we pull our tired bodies into our beds and fall into a sleep, wanting to believe that tomorrow, we will focus on the path we have chosen, and stop the spinning, because we really do have goals and a mission that we long to achieve.

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