“It’s not hard to spot the monkey dance. It happens any time you disagree with, confront, ignore or inadvertently shame or confuse a narcissist. Narcissists are hard-wired to monkey dance anytime they’re not sleeping, sucking up or looking for new victims. It’s who they are.
Emails are digital monkey dances. Use filters on your email to ensure that whenever they email you, their email goes directly to a folder where you don’t know about it, you don’t see it, and you’re not tempted to read it.
The excerpts in this post are from comments that I found in my spam folder and did not approve.
They were meant for public viewing and may even be posted elsewhere on the internet.
This post is inspired by laurelwolfelives
It is a response to a comment that she left on my post: Dissociative Identity Disorder and Reality Testing and to her post What Exactly Is A Narcissist?
Laurel wrote in response to me: “I understand what you are saying and you haven’t been the first. There are two ways to look at it. Yes, it can be looked at as he still has a hold on me but if I still made my quilts, say for my grandchildren, HE would see them. Anything I would do, such as visit, HE would find out about. THAT gives him power…and CONTROL. The thing that pissed him off the most was not being able to get me to tell him where I was going and what I was going to be doing. He couldn’t stand losing that last bit of control that I took away from him.
Sometimes, you just give things up. I gave up painting. I gave up woodworking (and I was pretty good.) Now, I have given up my quilting.
I wish you could wish my suffering away, too and it was lovely of you to offer that wish.
I don’t think I’m grieving so much as I’m seething with anger and almost consumed with wanting revenge. It’s like mass-murderers sitting around bragging about how many lives they’ve taken…and smiling while they’re telling you. Where’s the justice? And the “hereafter” isn’t justice.”
I didn’t understand what you meant at first because my first thought was , “If you’re not doing something that you like to do because of him –that gives him power.”
But I’ve been having my struggle with an online narcissist with whom I’ve implemented a policy of no contact.
My struggles are nothing like yours, to be sure. But the similarities helped me to understand your feelings.
Sandy Hotchkiss writes about the Seven Deadly sins of Narcissism in her 2002 book, “Why is it Always About You.”
The 7 Deadly Sins of Pathological Narcissism are shamelessness, magical thinking, arrogance, envy, entitlement, exploitation, and bad boundaries.
All of us have some of these traits.
Dissociative Identity Disorder is the mother of magical thinking.
So having some of these traits does not make you a narcissist.
But you might be a narcissist if you try to bully people into agreeing with your distorted point of view.
You wrote: “I don’t think I’m grieving so much as I’m seething with anger and almost consumed with wanting revenge. It’s like mass-murderers sitting around bragging about how many lives they’ve taken…and smiling while they’re telling you.”
Shamelessness is the most infuriating aspect of the pathological narcissist.
The envy and the arrogance combined with utter shamelessness make the narcissist impervious to criticism or remorse.
My lesson in just how shameless they are began one week in July of 2015 when I was especially symptomatic.
I told my friends that I needed a break because I was feeling stressed and confused.
The narcissist heard this and took it as a rejection and immediately began to complain about me to people I didn’t know.
I’m a sucker but I’m not blind.
I immediately recognized the triangulation and understood that I was dealing with a narcissist who flipped me from friend to enemy and had launched a smear campaign.
It’s always all about the narcissist.
It could not possibly be that I was trying to protect my friends from the symptoms of my illness.
I told this person that I could not be friends and asked that s/he return a piece of property that I considered valuable.
I had started an art group on Flickr in 2010 and stupidly made this person an administrator.
This wouldn’t be a problem if Yahoo performed the simple task of allowing the founding group member to remove mistakes from the administrative pool.
Unfortunately it doesn’t.
It would be as if you gave access to your WordPress account to someone and they changed all the passwords and then went on to ignore your request that they return it.
WordPress would freeze the account. But Yahoo’s reaction when it comes to Flickr groups is ‘tough luck’…
The break happened in July.
At first the monkey dance was confined to Flickr.
In November the dance arrived in my WordPress comments box.
I read a couple of comments and made the mistake of responding to one…then decided that giving a reply was a mistake so I removed the comment and the reply.
Here’s an excerpt from a comment dated November 2015.
When you read it remember that I have never named this person.
I believe that even a narcissist deserves better than the public humiliations they try to inflict on their targets.
And as narcissists go, an internet narcissist is nothing compared to my Mother and the clowns I’ve let into my life.
This comment was in response to a post that was not written about this person at all, it was a post about someone in my daily life.
July 2015 was a big month for coming to terms with the narcissists in my life:
“Let’s hope you stop using people, women and labeling them incorrectly. You’re doing exactly what was done to you, Rob. You were hated and now you hate back! Labeling me in your rant about women and how they abuse you. Using me as your target is disgusting and a shame. Horrible! Using your blog that is publicly read by others and pointing fingers at people there, is not the correct way to act. Sure you are entitled to what you think about me or anyone else. The problem is you are one sided and how you state what I did , how you state what I am in reference to what happened to you and that whole idea of narcissism. I understand that your blog is used to express from your inner self. But, it hurts to do this to others. It’s demeaning and you’re doing EXACTLY WHAT YOU STATE IS WRONG. THINK ABOUT THAT, AND IF YOU WANT TO DISTORT IT FURTHER, DO SO.”
That came from someone whom I had invited into my life because I thought s/he had been abused.
I allowed this person to play in my virtual space for free and gave that person administrative authority over part of my Flickr account, authority that s/he refuses to yield.
Notice how the writer tries to use what s/he knows about my trauma history to bully me?
Notice how the writer takes the superior position of telling me the ‘correct’ way to ‘act’?
Notice how the writer pulls the ‘woman’ card?
I don’t normally use the term ‘woman card’ unless I’m talking about abusive women.
Women are just as dangerous as men when it comes to pathological narcissism.
There is nothing sexist about stating a fact and it is a fact that female narcissists will use our cultural perception of women as more vulnerable to their advantage.
It is important that male survivors know this and understand it because men are acculturated to protect women. And those men who aren’t Pathological Narcissists do try to protect and comfort women.
Why would I write about the male narcissists in my life when there are none?
As a man abused as a child by a narcissistic Mother I am primarily vulnerable to female narcissists.
This comment followed that one:
“Again, I hope one day you decide not to riddle your blog with junk about people. Your readership of which many are with troubles do not need or profit from reading about your trials as they may relate them to their own. Again, what you posted about me is wrong, it’s out of context and most of all it’s private. You may not lie as you say, but using your blog to hurt me, to slam me or rejoice over the comments and agree with them is wrong. It’s insulting. Do what you want. Further that post you made as I have written to you earlier on Flickr was fav’d by a person who is showing a pic of child porn and even commented on it. If you don’t care, that’s fine, but I do!”
The writer deigns to tell me what to write on my blog.
Notice that this manipulation is couched as concern for my “troubled” readers? The writer also plays guilt by association by claiming that someone who is posting child porn to Flickr liked a photograph of mine. Concern for children didn’t prompt this person to flag the photo to have the creep banned; but child porn is a useful tool for triggering a man with DID.
Eventually I blocked the writer on Flickr and tagged the WordPress comments as spam…I didn’t discover these comments until yesterday when I decided to check my spam folder and this is what helped me to understand your feelings, Laurel.
This is dated December 24th. That’s almost five months after I sent an email saying that I didn’t want any more contact and wanted my group back.
“I see that you have blocked me on Flickr. It is perhaps the best thing. I don’t know. We are two different people, as all people are different though. Deep in the need for a relationship to flourish is the need that one feels they are understood. I think that when you decided that the friendship was not working out, this is really what was happening. Many will understand you as you understand many. When people understand others, seek to do this, this is the path to peace. I understand also this is a great undertaking and as I said to you before, takes much work. I do not take the blocking as an insult or anything like that. I think you are doing what is important for you to do, not in anger or anything other then this is best. I wish you much good cheer and I say no more. Recently I spoke highly of you to another because that is the way I think about you, Rob. That my messages to you were that and a sharing of what I think is only how I am with others. It is in good spirit though and always deeply expressed. We I think both have very strong personalities, though my is on the side of whimsicalness and laughter. I see much in life to laugh about and be of good cheer. I do though express.”
I see that you’ve blocked me so I guess that means you want me to send comments to your WordPress blog. The problem is not that I’m a pathological narcissist who has defamed you, taken over your property and spent nearly five months stalking you.
The problem is that I am happier than you are and given to self-expression. The writer’s shamelessness is really “whimsicalness.”
The real comments are three times as long as the excerpts I’ve provided and this is only an example of the six that arrived that day.
From what I understand the writer has trashed me to anyone who will listen and has pretty much trashed anyone who defends me.
I’ve also heard that the writer randomly contacts the people who read my blog to trash me, though I have not verified this.
The upshot is this:
I wanted my art group back and hoped that at some point this person would tire of holding it hostage.
If a narcissist can’t own you than they will take the things you love.
When I checked the group yesterday and saw that this person was still in the admin list I felt myself seethe with rage.
That was when I decided to let the group go.
I left a message in the discussion board stating that I was no longer actively moderating the group because it is no longer mine.
Once I did that the rage went away.
So I understand the logic of not doing something that gives you pleasure because it gives power to someone who will use it to hurt you.
I needed to get this off my chest, and your post and comment allowed me to do it in a way that feels productive.
Thank you Laurel for your thought-provoking comments and honesty.
Addendum: I write about pathological narcissism because they thrive on secrecy and shame. This is especially true of the Internet Narcissists who uses multiple accounts and harassment to cheat at games and abuse his targets.