“It’s not hard to spot the monkey dance. It happens any time you disagree with, confront, ignore or inadvertently shame or confuse a narcissist. Narcissists are hard-wired to monkey dance anytime they’re not sleeping, sucking up or looking for new victims. It’s who they are.
Emails are digital monkey dances. Use filters on your email to ensure that whenever they email you, their email goes directly to a folder where you don’t know about it, you don’t see it, and you’re not tempted to read it.
Ignoring the Narcissist—How to Spot The Monkey Dance
Laurelwolfelives inspire this blog post; it responds to a comment that she left on my post, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Reality Testing.
Laurel wrote: “I understand what you are saying, and you haven’t been the first. There are two ways to look at it. Yes, it can be looked at as he still has a hold on me, but if I still made my quilts say for my grandchildren, HE would see them. Anything I would do, such as visit, HE would find out about. THAT gives him power…and CONTROL. The thing that pissed him off the most was not getting me to tell him where I was going and what I would be doing. He couldn’t stand losing that last bit of control that I took away from him.
Sometimes, you give things up. I gave up painting. I gave up woodworking (and I was pretty good.) Now, I have given up my quilting.
I wish you could wish my suffering away, too, and it was lovely of you to offer that wish.
I don’t think I’m grieving so much as I’m seething with anger and almost consumed with wanting revenge. It’s like mass-murderers sitting around bragging about how many lives they’ve taken…and smiling while they’re telling you. Where’s the justice? And the “hereafter” isn’t justice.”
My first thought is, If you’re not doing something you like to do because of
him; doesn’t that give him power?
I include doing as I please when I go no contact with a narcissist.
Sandy Hotchkiss writes about the Seven Deadly sins of Narcissism in her 2002 book, “Why is it Always About You?”
All of us have some traits, so having some traits does not make one a narcissist.
But you might be a narcissist if you think you have a right to bully people into accepting your delusional point of view.
Laurel wrote: “I don’t think I’m grieving so much as I’m seething with anger and almost consumed with wanting revenge. It’s like mass-murderers sitting around bragging about how many lives they’ve taken…and smiling while they’re telling you.”
Shamelessness is the most infuriating thing about narcissists.
Envy and arrogance combine with utter shamelessness to make the narcissist impervious to criticism or remorse.
My lesson in just how shameless they are, began one week in July of 2015
when I was especially symptomatic.
I told social media friends that I needed a break because I was feeling
stressed and confused.
An online narcissist read this and took it as a personal rejection and immediately complained about me to people in Second Life and Flickr.
I can be a sucker, but I’m not blind.
I recognized the triangulation and understood that s/he had flipped me from a friend to enemy and had launched an online smear campaign.
I blocked it on Second Life and Flickr.
The monkey dance began as a series of comments on my WordPress blog in November of 2015. They were public comments I marked as spam.
These comments were by the narcissist on a post about the events and
people in my off-line life.
“Let’s hope you stop using people, women, and labeling them incorrectly. You’re doing exactly what was done to you, Rob. You were hated and now you hate back! Labeling me in your rant about women and how they abuse you. Using me as your target is disgusting and a shame. Horrible! Using your blog that is publicly read by others and pointing fingers at people there, is not the correct way to act. Sure you are entitled to what you think about me or anyone else. The problem is you are one sided and how you state what I did , how you state what I am in reference to what happened to you and that whole idea of narcissism. I understand that your blog is used to express from your inner self. But, it hurts to do this to others. It’s demeaning and you’re doing EXACTLY WHAT YOU STATE IS WRONG. THINK ABOUT THAT, AND IF YOU WANT TO DISTORT IT FURTHER, DO SO.”
Notice the use of what it thinks it knows about my trauma history to shame and bully me?
Female Narcissists are as sick and as dangerous as men.
Male survivors must know and understand this because men are acculturated to protect women.
Another comment on the same blog post.
“Again, I hope one day you decide not to riddle your blog with junk about people. Your readership of which many are with troubles do not need or profit from reading about your trials as they may relate them to their own. Again, what you posted about me is wrong, it’s out of context and most of all it’s private. You may not lie as you say, but using your blog to hurt me, to slam me or rejoice over the comments and agree with them is wrong. It isn’t very kind. Do what you want. Further that post you made as I have written to you earlier on Flickr was fav’d by a person who is showing a pic of child porn and even commented on it. If you don’t care, that’s fine, but I do!”
I’m so vain I think everything you write is about me and demand that you stop writing or let me dictate what you write.
Here’s another dated December:
“I see that you have blocked me on Flickr. It is perhaps the best thing. I don’t know. We are two different people, as all people are different though. Deep in the need for a relationship to flourish is the need that one feels they are understood. I think that when you decided that the friendship was not working out, this is really what was happening. Many will understand you as you understand many. When people understand others, seek to do this, this is the path to peace. I understand also this is a great undertaking and as I said to you before, takes much work. I do not take the blocking as an insult or anything like that. I think you are doing what is important for you to do, not in anger or anything other then this is best. I wish you much good cheer and I say no more. Recently I spoke highly of you to another because that is the way I think about you, Rob. That my messages to you were that and a sharing of what I think is only how I am with others. It is in good spirit though and always deeply expressed. We I think both have very strong personalities, though my is on the side of whimsicalness and laughter. I see much in life to laugh about and be of good cheer. I do though express.”
I see that you’ve blocked me on Flickr, so I’ll stalk you on WordPress.
I’m told the narcissist still trashes me to anyone who will listen and trash anyone who defends me; s/he still randomly contacts the people who read my blog to trash me, though I can’t verify this.
The narcissist must destroy you to preserve his delusional sense of godlike perfection.
Rob Goldstein 2015-2018