I Must Have Time for the Living

My partner and I try to spend extra time together before
he goes to San José for a week with his elderly Mother.

Last night we watched Dellamorte Dellamore.

The film is strange and strangely erotic.

Life gets a little strange when my partner says he is leaving.

The words “I’m going’ spark multiple levels of reaction; many
of them preconscious.

These are times when my mind feels like a scene from
Yellow Submarine

As soon as my partner says he’s leaving my alternates start
planning to play.

They restrain themselves when my partner is home.

But when he’s gone they’re often up and out all night.


The way I experience my body has nothing to do with its real
condition.

There are days when I wake up feeling as if I’m in rigor mortis
and days when I move like a teen.

How do I make sense of this dismembered mind as it gropes it’s
way through life?

The hero of Dellamorte Dellamore has passionate sex with a rotting corpse because he will only let himself see the woman as she was when she was
alive.

He lives in an irrational world in which the living and the dead are neither

The mind shapes alternate realities to survive an irrational world.

What is rational?

Empathy is an ability to imagine another person’s life and pain.

With couple’s counseling, my partner has learned to accept
my alternates as alternate versions of me; we use reason and
emotional honesty to keep our relationship alive.

I have better control over my symptoms but I will always have
symptoms.

In my darkest moods I think it might be better to live as if I
am dead.

Francesco Dellamorte: Go away! I haven’t got time for the living.

But the only way to have a life is to accept reality.

And the only reality I have is this one.

(c) Rob Goldstein 2016

Film clips from Dellamorte Dellamore and Yellow Submarine

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “I Must Have Time for the Living

  1. Nothing cuts the soul deeper than to be misunderstood. The more intelligent you are the deeper it cuts. Your disability forces you to relive every moment multiple times, and still you face this daunting task from a place of love. I am in awe of your incredible strength. I have the deepest respect for both you, and your partner. G-uno

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “And the only moment I can change is this one.”
    If ever I have read one sentence that sums up a philosophy of life that would be WORLDS brighter than where I live – that would be the one. My head knows it – my heart refuses it. Or my soul. Or something.
    I get a smile reading how you and your partner are so into your relationship you have learned how to deal with conflict – doesn’t make it go away or even maybe make it easier – but it can keep it from being deadly to the relationship, and for this I commend you both.
    This was a timely piece for me to read, good friend. We must give time for the living. And that includes us. Thank you for sharing more of your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Marcus for your wonderful comment.

      I’ve spent most of my life trying to change the events of my childhood and much of the past five years trying to change the dissociative disorder that resulted from those events. It’s only recently that I understand that I can’t change history or the dissociative condition. What I can do is accept the truth and the pain; improve my coping skills and focus on preserving the good in my life.

      It used to bother me when people questioned my honesty in regard to my illness. I can’t change that either.

      I have learned that people who assume dishonesty in others are probably projecting. I take their negative assumptions as a warning to stay away from them.

      And in the final analyses; I can’t expect other people to accept me if I can’t accept myself.

      I’m very proud of my relationship with my partner.

      We love each other and we are willing to work at making it work….Thank you for noticing…:)

      Like

  3. Yes. It is amazing that because one can’t SEE the disability in another, that disability is somehow diminished to something that can be willed away. Try saying that to someone who has a physical disability that is visible. What a powerful post.

    Off to learn more about the horror show.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was extremely touching. I understand how you talk about your being confounded and yet you have one of the clearest minds I have ever read. And this: “I can’t know what I don’t know”, it is so true.
    xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Billy….What you say is true. I can write with clarity on many topics and even write with clarity about my own process. Unfortunately this is completely at odds with the stereotype of the psychiatric patient as mentally weak. This makes life difficult when I do need someone to intervene because even mental health professionals confuse ‘insight’ with wellness.

      Thank you for your comment, Billy.

      Liked by 1 person

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