The Exhaustion of life with Trauma and Dissociative Identity Disorder

Mr. Body

This post started as a status update to my post about my bout of pneumonia.

I was feeling better but the past few days have seen another flurry of mental health symptoms.

This means that when I think I’m sleeping I’m not…

My body is awake and active.

DID is proof of the magic of the mind.

It is also proof that all is not mind over matter.

If all were mind over matter when Bobby is out this body should transform into that of a 16 year old or, even more miraculously, into the body of a fashionable young woman when Sara is out.

When they are out what they see in the mirror is close to what you see in the photographs of their avatars.

If they are out and up at four A.M. Mr. Body gets no rest.

As a person I am host of contradictions.

At my best I have the disciplined mind of a trained academic and at my worst I become confused by simple directions.

The dichotomy of DID is that it is not real except that it is.

I can know that we are the same person but what matters is that all the alternates know and accept that this is true.

They must accept that they are only parts of a whole and they must accept the real body even if they don’t see it.

They must understand that unless they use their time in ways that are reasonable for an aging body we will all die.

I have yet to master the skill of learning how to communicate to my alternates.

When they are active I lose track of time and often neglect to take my medications or I think they I haven’t taken them and take twice the dose.

When I finally woke up today I was dehydrated and my chest felt heavy and congested.

I noticed that Sara posted last night at 4AM.

I’m certain that one of the reasons I had pneumonia is physical exhaustion.

I was curious about whether there is information about the effect of PTSD and DID on the body.

I found nothing specific to Dissociative Identity Disorder but in my view DID is an extreme symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

These are some of the effects of complex trauma symptoms on the body:

“PTSD is associated with a significant body of physical morbidity in the form of chronic musculoskeletal pain, hypertension, Results demonstrated the connection between childhood trauma exposure, high-risk behaviors (e.g., smoking, unprotected sex), chronic illness such as heart disease and cancer, and early death.” The National Child Traumatic Stress Network

More specific is the problem of physical exhaustion.

Here is where mind over matter comes in: when Sara and Bobby are out they don’t feel tired.

I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences.

Here are the effects of exhaustion on the body:

“Deprived of adequate rest, your mind has difficulty functioning normally. You may also experience dizziness, blurred vision or mild hallucinations. These problems can affect your spacial perceptions and prevent you from executing tasks that require even nominal levels of dexterity or eye-hand coördination.” Live Strong.com

Yep–I could barely make it to the corner store today. I almost fainted.

“When you are overly tired, your body’s systems begin to act in unusual ways. This can lead to nausea or tremors, which further complicate the difficulties presented by the cognitive effects of exhaustion. If you experience long-term exhaustion, dramatic weight loss or weight gain can occur.” Live Strong.com

Yep—I’ve lost a few pounds since Friday.

“Two common health conditions related to chronic fatigue are hypertension and heart disease. Because of the seriousness of these conditions, you should seek the advice of a medical professional if you are affected by fatigue, exhaustion or sleeplessness in other observable ways.” Live Strong.com

Yep. I can hear my heart pounding which means that my blood pressure is up.

So in answer to the question that inspired this post, “Are you ok?” which came from xaranahara:

I was ok…but I think I’m getting sick again.

I’ve discussed this as a symptom management problem with my therapist.

My partner is gone for the week and he should not HAVE to be here to take care of me.

This is why people with complex mental health conditions must have access to institutional supports like a hospital.

If I cannot convince my alternates to behave then I may have to go into the hospital even though It’s staffed by CBT drones who will proudly dismiss my DID as a borderline maneuver.

I sometimes don’t know what I find more lethal: my illness or the bigotry of professional people who should know better.

RG 2016

45 thoughts on “The Exhaustion of life with Trauma and Dissociative Identity Disorder

  1. Good question, whether your mental problems or “professionals” are more lethal. Thank you for posting. I appreciate the update. You are aware. Make lists of what needs done and stay focused. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you were able to sleep last nignt. These may be questions that I should maybe already know the answers. Would they read your post? Would they understand? I’ve seen the correspondence between Bobby and Sara. Would they listen to you? Please take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. These are good questions…these questions came up in therapy yesterday. They don’t talk to each other easily.

      Bobby and Sara get along the best. Sara has access to everyone as the protector. The way in is through her.

      The problem is that she considers my judgement poor because of the narcissist who is still stalking and harassing us some 8 months after I made the comment that I needed a break in general. I can’t believe someone whose frame of reference is so narrow that she feels the need to perpetually spew lies about me over a
      statement that had nothing to do with her except as an announcement that I would not be online as much.

      I think that in the final analyses; some of this is anger on the part of the other alternates over the fact that I let another narcissist into our lives.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for the explanation. In follow up, do they feel how sick the body is? Although they may see the youthful appearance, the illness doesn’t go away as it infects the body.

        Regarding your online narc, it sounds like you recognize her for what she is and are dealing. She just won’t let go. I’ve learned more about this from you in your reblogs. Your latest was a must read as well as the follow ups. One of them is eerie familiar to your experience.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Great question. No…they don’t feel it; at least from what I can tell. And medications don’t affect them the same way either.

        As far as the narc is concerned; I’ve learned to ignore her and the flying monkeys she sends my way. It’s surprising that it’s so easy for them to manipulate people into
        harassing people for them. I can’t imagine going out of my way to harass someone I don’t know…but when you lay down with narcissists you wake up with fleas; and once
        I tuned in to what was really going on and backed away I was able to see how I took on and acted out some of her rage.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I hear your despair. How can you be in control, if your parts are fighting you?

    How can the hospital help, apart from being a different environment?

    Are there medications that can help, or treatments?

    I’m not being negative. I’m just wanting to know.

    Sending mountains of love your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Linda, thank you.

      When he’s home they tend to behave but the job of communicating with them is mine—I think I resist it because there is some part of me that doesn’t believe that I have DID despite the evidence. Denial is a problem for people with chronic illness in general and this one is no different.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’d say the latter, without a doubt. Everyone should be able to access the health service at any time to check on their symptoms, with the personnel being fully aware of all your conditions so they can advise you the best possible way. We have something that is heading in that direction here in the UK called 111. They can assess your symptoms in full awareness of all your conditions, and can then make recommendations for hospital,m emergency medical rooms or just out of hours care. People complain a lot about the National Health Service here, but they’re trying.
    Take care of yourselvf/ves. I have a gut feeling that guided meditation/hypnosis (I have no strong experience of the latter, but the former can be very powerful) might be a good way to try and communicate with all of your identities at once to at least drive that point across: your body needs rest. Have you ever tried them? Maybe even lucid dreaming. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When I hear people who live in nation’s that have national healthcare systems complain about them I want to show them my bill for thirty thousand dollars for a week long stay in a hospital in 2012.

      The fact is that your health care is better and less expensive than our is in the United States.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree. It gets on my nerves. Although now they are fighting not to privatise the NHS, so now they have a point I guess. Your bill just flabbergasts me, even though I know it is like that. That’s just absurd. I don’t consider myself poor but there is no way I could ever pay that!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I don’t understand how the leaders of any other nation can look at the results of the conservative experiment in privatization in the United States and not see that it is an abject failure based on flawed reasoning. Pure Capitalism is a vicious game without rules —

        Like

      3. My husband reminded me, the other day: Society should care for its weakest individual first.I agree with that, otherwise what is the point of society? Capitalism is the exact opposite of that :/

        Liked by 1 person

      4. The weird thing about Capitalism is that when it’s regulated it can generate the kind of prosperity that really does lift all boats.

        I find it puzzling that this general level of prosperity was so odious to people that they decided to strip themselves of it by voting for ‘economic reforms’ that were nothing more than a reallocation of their wealth to a wealthy elite. The puzzling thing is that this elite did not steal prosperity from the voters; the voters gave it to them.

        While it is true that the ‘Southern Strategy’ was a blatant appeal to the absolute worst of the U.S. electorate the electorate still had and has the option of voting it down. But they don’t.

        So the American voter repeatedly votes against himself and wonders why his life is so impoverished.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Indeed, it is a common mystery. I was puzzled by the voting in Italy, where so many people seemed to be happy to bring up those very people who would exploit them :/ It is the reason why I steer clear of politics, though I always vote, when I am in a country that allows it.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Awesome post, Robert! Extremely insightful! So there is you and there are the others and you can differ about what you label as You and as other characters (if that is the right word, sorry, I am not English).
    I guess it is unimaginable for anybody what DID means in real life. And it is stunning to me, that you are like an observer of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Erika, never apologize about your English. My Mastery of German is limited to Volkswagon. 🙂

      You’re right. “I’ is always shifting and some off my alternates have very different points of view and perspective and even different levels of acceptance and denial.

      It is hard for people to understand–it is even hard for me to understand what it means in everyday life.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Robert, you are amazing to me. Being able to talk about your personal woes in the medical form of you is so damn brave! I admire you. The way you write about it seems to me that you take it all in such stride. What you are doing here is so commendable. Keep doing this. I’m so proud to become friends with you. I hope you continue to keep yourself at bay as you are. Keep me posted. Get better soon my friend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lisa…I know it sounds like I take it in stride but I don’t really. I think that I have extreme gifts and extreme liabilities.

      One of the gifts is an ability to detach from the emotional to see myself and other people from an analytical perspective…the extreme liability is that I can’t shake the irrational conviction that these fragments of self with names are people. Not only can’t I shake it, I can’t stop them from coming and going as they please.

      I can use the gifts to try to help other people to understand that the liabilities.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey Mr Robert! I want you to know that I have great compassion for you! I had no idea that anything like DID existed. I wish that I could transport people who experienced childhood trauma back in time and remove us from the source of trauma…for good! Me? I have panic attacks which extends from my childhood! Well, we can be better people for there ARE very good people in this world!!Peace be with you!Chuck Smith II

    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    Liked by 1 person

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