First posted June, 2015
Nine months ago I received an email from someone I thought was a friend. I had written her to tell her that I wasn’t feeling well and that I wanted to take a break from social media.
In short, I felt ill.
This is the email that I received in response:
I was stunned. She was no longer following my blog and she told a stranger I no longer wanted to be friends with her.
I immediately recognized a triangulation and understood I was dealing with a narcissist.
I can’t remove her as an administrator from my Flickr groups and she refuses to leave.
I asked her in private to step down and when she didn’t I asked her to step down publicly.
She still hasn’t stepped down.
In the months since this began I’ve had an awakening about the subject of pathological narcissism and my experience of it as a male.
I realized my first impulse is to protect women, even those who don’t deserve it.
In my research I came across several writers who urge the targets of narcissists to tell the story of what happened, to reveal the mind of the narcissist so that others can see how it works and protect themselves.
Some people might argue that the narcissist view public attention as a feast but this isn’t about the narcissist.
The following email was sent by the Narcissist to all of my friends on social media.
You may have trouble reading it because it is in the word salad so typical of Narcissists.
I’ve removed the names:
“I am writing to you because I want to make it clear if it’s not or in some way my name has been smeared or the truth distorted. I was raised in a very loving caring atmosphere by two parents who demonstrated love and caring to themselves, their family and the community I grew up in. Both of my parents were brilliant, and soul mates. My Mom on the iconoclastic side and my Dad a huge creative. When I was much younger my Mom told me that I should not form relationships with those who come from bad backgrounds as it would impact their ability. I did not understand this and I being very warm had many friends. I think I now finally understand her perspective. It is not wise to be friends with someone who comes from a troubled background, most importantly it’s something that if not careful one can harm further the person and I being of the nature of I will be myself and spirited this is not good to do with some. Yah, it’s easy to understand that one should be oneself and that if others do not like this they can have other friendships, but on a deeper level, people are hard to understand and I can be challenging and I speak directly and think and in my community this is thought of highly and I have not had issues with my ways. Of course, no one can be accepted by all and I’m sure some people don’t quite get along with my approach. I try to temper it, but I do speak out. Anyways, I hope that if there is any clarification on my perspective of you that I expressed. If any of it came back to you through Rob, I hope it was not disrespectful. Before Rob decided that our friendship was not working out, he expressed to me many things. Looking back I spent time writing how I felt on his impressions and they were specific to ____ son and you and how he felt that her son was not nice and a whole bunch of stuff on how her son bashed you and about paintings and it went on and on. Because of the depth of our friendship and that I felt totally comfortable I thought that expressing how I felt and what I would say to ____ son might help. This I see in retrospect was not good to do. It’s not good to talk to others without the others being present. It’s just vague in respects to what is really going on and I now understand and have learned. I think highly of both you and ___ and her son. I know not any other way to think and that’s all.
The post that Rob Goldstein posted on his Flickr stream and linked also to his wordpress blog on Malignant Narcissism is referring to me. I left a message in response on his flickr page, but have since removed it. I tried to leave one on his wordpress blog, but he did not post it It just stated that my thoughts could be read on the flickr stream he has. I don’t know who read it, and I expressed myself there. My family said I should remove it, so I did.
Most of all, sometimes friendships end. With Rob, I don’t know why he chose to end it. He never said, just said it wasn’t working out and that a few others weren’t either. At that point I removed all the things I had placed at Horses. I did return and saw that I could still rezz and thought that I could a little. A few times he banned me and has never written to me again. I did have anger because I did not realize I should not be there and spent time setting up a little place and took photos and when he removed it and banned me I spoke out. Anger happens and when it does it is a reflection of hurt and confusion. To express to Rob this anger is not something one does to someone challenged mentally and I now see this.
To know me though is to know all of me, even the parts that can be difficult and to accept this and try to understand. I conclude this is not something he would be able to do. Labels of narcissism, he did use this word many times to me about others and I one time told him not to do this as that term is a medical term for people in a population who really have this condition and need help. It is not a label to put on others as it’s like putting them down.
I think we all have a narcissism in us. I don’t think of narcissism as bad, I know some people can come across as full of themselves in degrees. I read about what a person who has narcissism and it’s a medical condition and all that.
I do think it’s horrible that he posted this but realize not to take it personally as it’s not fair to do this from his perspective and what he is challenged with.
Anyways, this is a long writing and just needed to express my thoughts. But I don’t know what Rob shared or if in anyway it was distorted.
The only question that’s relevant is this: If you know I’m “challenged mentally” why are you stalking me?
Please note that I am not saying I am an innocent victim of this woman.
All of the clues were there well before she revealed the full extent of her pathology.
I ignored those clues.
If anything this woman represents the ongoing abuse of my Mother who taught me to love dishonest and deeply selfish women who are unworthy of my affection.
Rob Goldstein 2016