After the Lovin’: Five Vicious Things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

Portrait of My Mother
Portrait of My Mother

This is a re-write of a post first published in July of 2015.

My Mother was brutally narcissistic.

In her mind, I was the weapon that she deployed to control and dominate my father; a sacrifice that she made to secure and please new boyfriends.

My Mother’s control over my intellectual and emotional life was so complete that when she cried, I cried.

In  therapy I’ve discussed the fact that I’ve spent much of my life  discovering
that a woman I’ve trusted and admired is a pathological narcissist.

I re-discover the breach of boundaries, the use and abuse of my generosity, the inflated claims of competence, the outright lies and the inevitable web of triangulated relationships.

Art by Rob Goldstein
Found on Pinterest

There is only one Narcissistic Mother in my world and she has many faces.

Have I had the effrontery to remove your disgusting porn from a Flickr fine art group?

Open a new Flickr account and post it again!

Have I blocked you on Google+ for posting homophobic obscenities?

Open a new Google+ account and post them again.

Have I called you out for lying about me in your attempt to turn my contacts against me?

Accuse me of being your abuser.

 

Art by Rob Goldstein

 

This need to form relationships with female narcissists is called a traumatic replication and of all the damage that my Mother did to me, this is the worst.

It’s even worse than having Dissociative Personalities.

The narcissists I invite into my life are a compulsion to replicate and fix the way I felt as a child: helplessly unable to earn the love of a woman who could not love.

Art by Rob Goldstein

I don’t see the signs until the damage begins and the damage begins as soon as
you question the narcissistic delusion of entitlement.

The Narcissist will do anything to avoid accountability.

They view any attempt to set healthy boundaries as a rejection.

These are the five steps you can expect a narcissist to take when he or
she thinks you have told them to move on:

  1. Stalking

Expect a narcissist to treat your personal boundaries as a violation of their rights.

My Mother barged into my bedroom at all hours.

She read my mail.

She even took the two bucks my grandparents sent me each week as allowance.

What was mine was my Mother’s which meant nothing was mine.

This was my normal.

I still don’t fully understand that what is mine is mine.

I still tend to give my possessions to people who think giving is for suckers

To a narcissist sharing is nothing more than giving them their due.

In life, stalking can take the form of letting you know that they saw you at 2AM through your kitchen window. “You were eating.”

Why would someone be up at 2 AM to watch me eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon?

Because in her mind it breaches a boundary that shouldn’t apply to her.

Online, the boundary violation is the act of blatantly taking over part of my Flickr account while claiming that she hasn’t.

Art by Rob Goldstein
I didn’t take over your groups, I’m suffering to meet my responsibilities as an administrator despite your intrusion of asking me to step down!

Never give anyone the keys to any of your social media accounts.

2. Smear Campaigns:

Art by Rob Goldstein
When the two of you first met you were the golden boy, an angel, a man of intellect and gifts.

Now you are merde and everyone needs to know; especially other narcissists who also hate you because you might actually have a knack for doing something they can’t do.

You must be neutralized.

The talents and accomplishments of other people are threats to a narcissist regardless of her own talents and accomplishments.

One way to neutralize a threat is to attach in a way that allows her to control you.

I love how you love ME ME ME.

When a narcissist loves you, it is because you have something she wants.

If you are beautiful in life then she will want your beauty as a show of her appeal.

In virtual reality, it can work the same way.

A narcissist in virtual reality is quite happy with someone who has an appealing avatar and a flair for witty banter.

By virtue of being conquered, you are flawed.

No one hates herself more than a narcissist.

The qualities that drew her to you are a threat.

Especially if you’ve begun to see through the facade and are no longer blind to the obvious.

Opinions that contradict the narcissists own good opinion of himself are intolerable.

Anyone who questions the absolute right of the narcissist to do as he or she pleases is subject to a ruthless smear campaign.

This is where the shamelessness of pathological narcissism is an advantage.

In life, it can be the woman in my building who uses my memory problems to make me doubt what I’ve said and done.

Online it’s comments or email from enablers  or sock puppets designed to do
the same thing.

The Name of the Game is Shame
The Name of the Game is Shame

In this instance when I checked to see what she was talking about there was nothing there.

This person knows I have DID and wants me to think I wrote a comment that I can’t remember and possibly took down.

Both narcissists are playing the same game.

Art by Rob Goldstein

A willingness to inflict psychological pain on someone meets my definition of psychopath.

If you think that leaving a narcissist is as easy as walking out then be ready.

They will do whatever it takes to make sure you can’t ignore them.

3. Triangulation

Art by Rob Goldstein

My Mother convinced me that my Father was “the enemy.”

As a child, I blamed my Father for all of my suffering.

My Father was slow.

My Father was stupid.

My Father was the reason we had no money; not my Mother who thought credit cards were a gift of free money from the banks.

In life, a triangulation is telling my neighbors about my “tragic” mental state complete with outright lies about violent rages.

Online it takes the form of telling people who don’t know me a story of half-truths and innuendo.

Art by Rob Goldstein
Excerpt from an Email sent to some of my contacts

3. Build a minion.

A Narcissist and Her Flying Monkeys
The Vampire metaphor is perfect for pathological narcissism.

The Vampire is a predator psyche that is dead because it lacks a conscience.

Renfield is co-dependent.

The co-dependent is a slave to the misguided belief that love means the sacrifice
of the self to empty promises and betrayal.

The slavish devotion of someone she treats with contempt is like a drug to the narcissist.

Freed slaves are a potential source of shame.

They must be punished.

In life, this can be telling potential landlords a destructive lie that makes it hard to find housing.

Online this often involves initiating a whisper campaign designed to cause people to drop you as a contact.

4. Shaming.

The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore her.

Once you’ve set your boundaries and have proven that you can keep them you can expect an inevitable tirade of accusations designed to make you feel uncertain of yourself, and flawed.

The narcissist is fueled by an arrogant sense of entitlement

In life, this is complaining that I refused to answer my phone when she called.

Fortunately, she was able to find someone who isn’t so shut-down and selfish to
take her to the emergency room.

5. Hoovering:

She sends an email that appeals my sense of reason in a such a way that I question my sense of right and wrong.

Art by Rob Goldstein
Hoovering

 

Whatever the strategy; the narcissist will do everything in her power to force you to submit to her lies.

Your job is to protect yourself.

Just as the Vampire lives in darkness, the narcissist moves in secret.

Your words and the details that she learns about your life will become weapons for your destruction.

You can protect yourself.

In life, I cc every correspondence with the narcissist on the third floor to my therapist.

Online, I make written forms of psychological abuse public.

If a narcissist knows about your history of abuse expect her to use what she knows to trigger you.

This is something that online mental health advocates must know.

We must be specific about our limits and stick with them.

Nothing is more crazy making for a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder than warring alternates.

My female alternate, Sara, is a protector alternate.

Art by Rob Goldstein
Protector alter identity in Dissociative Identity Disorder – Knight in shining armor

In this instance Sara emerged to remove the narcissist from virtual property in Second Life.

This was sent to me, Rob Goldstein, and some of my contacts:

 

Art by Rob Goldstein
I told that Sheba girl off

Sara’s account name in Second Life is Sheba.

The Narcissist attempted to triangulate me with my female alternate.

Because the Narcissist states in her rant that ‘I quit her’ I will post the email that started it all below:

Art by Rob Goldstein
July 15th

If we assume that you have the right to sabotage my work and my
relationships then, yes– I quit you.

I’m not sick enough to stay in relationships in which I’m not wanted.

I’m not that sick anymore.

Art by Rob Goldstein
Found on Pinterest
Distressed woman crying
Photo by George Marks on Getty Images

Writing and Portrait of my Mother (c) Rob Goldstein 2016

The screenshots in this post are of public comments made over the past 12 months and withheld by me. These comments were intended as public commentary; no confidentiality was breached by posting these excerpts.

The email that started it all is the only private correspondence posted, however I felt correct in making it public as the author stated that she was sending me a copy of an email she sent to someone unknown to me.

To the best of my knowledge, this breaches no confidence.

RG 2016

The link to the original is here: After the Lovin’: Five things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

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9 thoughts on “After the Lovin’: Five Vicious Things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup

      1. You shouldn’t though. If it were foolishness, it would be called such, but it’s a pattern of behavior. I didn’t mean to imply that you reacted as a victim, so much as the people were victimizing you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I understood your intention and thank you for commenting.

        My therapist and I discussed this today.

        She agrees with the idea of discussing what happened openly because this is part of the danger of being open about having a mental illness.

        My take on it is that this woman is like a sadist who roams the streets with a club looking for people with broken legs to whack…but for my therapist there is a bigger point: the unchallenged account of events is the one that becomes ‘true’…

        So this is my account of this event and it is here for anyone who wants to read it.

        The narcissist decided one day that it was time to play mind games with the crazy guy she met in Second Life…

        Fortunately, I am in psychotherapy and it didn’t go the way she wanted it too.

        But what kind of person befriends a man with a mental illness and pulls this kind of crap?

        I don’t keep my illness it a secret so this little effort is a blatant act of sadism.

        I don’t expect ‘special’ treatment but I also don’t expect a ‘friend’ to go out of her way to use what she’s learned about my illness to torture me.

        This happens to people with mental illnesses all of the time.

        I’m not the only one who is targeted by people like this.

        Think of this woman as a mini Rand Paul and ask yourself if you would want a sadistic narcissist in charge of the policies that govern your mental health.

        again…I always appreciate your comments.

        Thanks,

        Rob

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Reading what the narcissist wrote hurts my head. I had to force myself at some points but I felt that I needed to be that present with it to properly ‘get’ it. Wow. That is some kind of crazy. A person writes or talks like that to me I just shut down and write them off. It’s not conscious and not because I am smart, it’s just the form of protection I must have learned as an adult in my various struggles with my mother. These people are very scary. Good on you for protecting yourself and taking some of the crazy into the light.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You wrote: A person writes or talks like that to me I just shut down and write them off. It’s not conscious and not because I am smart, it’s just the form of protection I must have learned as an adult in my various struggles with my mother.

      My reply: Congratulations! You have the psychological ‘garlic’ that I don’t have…you are immune to bite of the pathological narcissist…

      (The Bite of the Narcissist!…Now there’s a film I’d go to…In the end the narcissist is stabbed through the heart with a rolled up and lacquered copy of the Desiderata!)

      Liked by 1 person

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