In her mind, I was the weapon that she deployed to control and dominate my father; a sacrifice that she made to secure and please new boyfriends.
My Mother’s control over my intellectual and emotional life was so complete that when she cried, I cried.
In therapy I’ve discussed the fact that I’ve spent much of my life discovering
that a woman I’ve trusted and admired is a pathological narcissist.
I re-discover the breach of boundaries, the use and abuse of my generosity, the inflated claims of competence, the outright lies and the inevitable web of triangulated relationships.
There is only one Narcissistic Mother in my world and she has many faces.
Have I had the effrontery to remove your disgusting porn from a Flickr fine art group?
Open a new Flickr account and post it again!
Have I blocked you on Google+ for posting homophobic obscenities?
Open a new Google+ account and post them again.
Have I called you out for lying about me in your attempt to turn my contacts against me?
Accuse me of being your abuser.
This need to form relationships with female narcissists is called a traumatic replication and of all the damage that my Mother did to me, this is the worst.
It’s even worse than having Dissociative Personalities.
The narcissists I invite into my life are a compulsion to replicate and fix the way I felt as a child: helplessly unable to earn the love of a woman who could not love.
I don’t see the signs until the damage begins and the damage begins as soon as
you question the narcissistic delusion of entitlement.
The Narcissist will do anything to avoid accountability.
They view any attempt to set healthy boundaries as a rejection.
These are the five steps you can expect a narcissist to take when he or
she thinks you have told them to move on:
Expect a narcissist to treat your personal boundaries as a violation of their rights.
My Mother barged into my bedroom at all hours.
She read my mail.
She even took the two bucks my grandparents sent me each week as allowance.
What was mine was my Mother’s which meant nothing was mine.
This was my normal.
I still don’t fully understand that what is mine is mine.
I still tend to give my possessions to people who think giving is for suckers
To a narcissist sharing is nothing more than giving them their due.
In life, stalking can take the form of letting you know that they saw you at 2AM through your kitchen window. “You were eating.”
Why would someone be up at 2 AM to watch me eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon?
Because in her mind it breaches a boundary that shouldn’t apply to her.
Online, the boundary violation is the act of blatantly taking over part of my Flickr account while claiming that she hasn’t.
Never give anyone the keys to any of your social media accounts.
2. Smear Campaigns:
Now you are merde and everyone needs to know; especially other narcissists who also hate you because you might actually have a knack for doing something they can’t do.
You must be neutralized.
The talents and accomplishments of other people are threats to a narcissist regardless of her own talents and accomplishments.
One way to neutralize a threat is to attach in a way that allows her to control you.
When a narcissist loves you, it is because you have something she wants.
If you are beautiful in life then she will want your beauty as a show of her appeal.
In virtual reality, it can work the same way.
A narcissist in virtual reality is quite happy with someone who has an appealing avatar and a flair for witty banter.
By virtue of being conquered, you are flawed.
No one hates herself more than a narcissist.
The qualities that drew her to you are a threat.
Especially if you’ve begun to see through the facade and are no longer blind to the obvious.
Opinions that contradict the narcissists own good opinion of himself are intolerable.
Anyone who questions the absolute right of the narcissist to do as he or she pleases is subject to a ruthless smear campaign.
This is where the shamelessness of pathological narcissism is an advantage.
In life, it can be the woman in my building who uses my memory problems to make me doubt what I’ve said and done.
In this instance when I checked to see what she was talking about there was nothing there.
This person knows I have DID and wants me to think I wrote a comment that I can’t remember and possibly took down.
Both narcissists are playing the same game.
A willingness to inflict psychological pain on someone meets my definition of psychopath.
If you think that leaving a narcissist is as easy as walking out then be ready.
My Mother convinced me that my Father was “the enemy.”
As a child, I blamed my Father for all of my suffering.
My Father was slow.
My Father was stupid.
My Father was the reason we had no money; not my Mother who thought credit cards were a gift of free money from the banks.
In life, a triangulation is telling my neighbors about my “tragic” mental state complete with outright lies about violent rages.
Online it takes the form of telling people who don’t know me a story of half-truths and innuendo.
The Vampire metaphor is perfect for pathological narcissism.
The Vampire is a predator psyche that is dead because it lacks a conscience.
The co-dependent is a slave to the misguided belief that love means the sacrifice
of the self to empty promises and betrayal.
The slavish devotion of someone she treats with contempt is like a drug to the narcissist.
Freed slaves are a potential source of shame.
They must be punished.
In life, this can be telling potential landlords a destructive lie that makes it hard to find housing.
Online this often involves initiating a whisper campaign designed to cause people to drop you as a contact.
The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore her.
Once you’ve set your boundaries and have proven that you can keep them you can expect an inevitable tirade of accusations designed to make you feel uncertain of yourself, and flawed.
The narcissist is fueled by an arrogant sense of entitlement
In life, this is complaining that I refused to answer my phone when she called.
She sends an email that appeals my sense of reason in a such a way that I question my sense of right and wrong.
Whatever the strategy; the narcissist will do everything in her power to force you to submit to her lies.
Your job is to protect yourself.
Just as the Vampire lives in darkness, the narcissist moves in secret.
You can protect yourself.
In life, I cc every correspondence with the narcissist on the third floor to my therapist.
Online, I make written forms of psychological abuse public.
If a narcissist knows about your history of abuse expect her to use what she knows to trigger you.
This is something that online mental health advocates must know.
We must be specific about our limits and stick with them.
Nothing is more crazy making for a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder than warring alternates.
My female alternate, Sara, is a protector alternate.
In this instance Sara emerged to remove the narcissist from virtual property in Second Life.
This was sent to me, Rob Goldstein, and some of my contacts:
Sara’s account name in Second Life is Sheba.
The Narcissist attempted to triangulate me with my female alternate.
Because the Narcissist states in her rant that ‘I quit her’ I will post the email that started it all below:
If we assume that you have the right to sabotage my work and my
relationships then, yes– I quit you.
I’m not sick enough to stay in relationships in which I’m not wanted.
I’m not that sick anymore.
Writing and Portrait of my Mother (c) Rob Goldstein 2016
The screenshots in this post are of public comments made over the past 12 months and withheld by me. These comments were intended as public commentary; no confidentiality was breached by posting these excerpts.
The email that started it all is the only private correspondence posted, however I felt correct in making it public as the author stated that she was sending me a copy of an email she sent to someone unknown to me.
To the best of my knowledge, this breaches no confidence.
The link to the original is here: After the Lovin’: Five things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup