The fact that research confirms that people with DID can have an awareness of alternate personalities is a crucial piece of information for people who may think they have a dissociative spectrum disorder.
One of the reasons I spent so much time in denial was that I thought that any memory at all of my behavior while dissociated precluded a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.
I lost years of my life to an institutional bias when simple research could have spared suffering.
I have huge gaps in memory for time but also have dreamlike memories of the things my alternates do.
As I get better the memory barriers slowly fall and I find that I know more about
my alters, how they see themselves, and how they relate to me as a part of me.
In some ways I view them as trusted friends.
Now before you run with how weird that sounds remember that to me they are as different from me as anyone reading this blog.
When I started therapy in 2011 my therapist asked me to make a map of my alternates.
I couldn’t map them because I didn’t know them.
I know more about them now so here is a rough map in order of age.
I also do this to also clarify how the work on this blog gets done.
Robby age slides. He goes from four to seven. He cries most of the time.
Sara is one of the first alternates.
She is a protector.
She speaks her mind and she is not afraid of conflict.
She also comes out if she senses that another alternate intends to harm the body.
She emerged as child but now functions only as an adult.
She knows that the body is male and so closely identified with her Second Life avatar.
She amuses herself by using Second Life to shop for virtual designs and taking fashion shots.
She loves the great female Jazz singers and likes to post her fashion shots with music.
She is sexual and likes to go into Second Life to play on a virtual strip pole.
I don’t know what her role is or why she comes out.
I thought that he was a new alternate but he is one of the first alternates.
When he first emerged in elementary school his name was Anthony.
He now functions only as an adult.
Mateo is black because as a child the only people he saw treated as badly as he was by the white community were black people.
Mateo like jazz dancing and used to use Second Life to go to jazz clubs and meet ‘women’.
His age is between 13 and 18
He was the primary host when the body was adolescent.
He is gay identified and radical about it.
He was the first alternate to join Second Life in 2009.
He likes to use Second Life to fly a virtual hover board and has taught himself how to do board tricks in sync to the music he plays. When he wants to he speaks in and writes in Southern Dialect.
He also likes to pop into conversations and play word games.
He has no memory of learning how to read or write.
Bob took over at 23.
He is never older than thirty.
He carries anger and grief is most likely
to emerge to express anger.
He is gay identified.
He has a Second Life avatar that he
He does not come out often.
Rob Goldstein is always in his thirties.
He is one of two alternates with a first and
He is responsible for responding to comments
on the blog though all the alternates will reply.
Rob does not have a Second Life avatar.
He thinks Second Life is for suckers which means
he thinks the other alternates are silly although he
has a soft spot for Bobby.
He has a logical mind and values intellect.
He has no patience for self-deception and people
who play games.
He thinks that controlling one’s psycho-pathology
is a moral obligation which means that he reserves
his harshest opinions for pathological narcissists
whom he views as lazy intellectually and corrupt morally.
His attitude toward gaming communities or any
‘community’ based on recreational privilege is
best summed up by a comment he once made to
a member of San Francisco’s S&M Community.
“If you have to pay for pain you aren’t living.”
He is the writer, the essayist and the intellectual.
He never acts on emotion because he rarely feels it.
Rob Goldstein is asexual as a result of the AIDS Epidemic.
He is in terrible grief over the friends he lost to AIDS.
Loleeta Morales is the other alternate with a first and last name.
Loleeta is always in his late forties and has been since the body
Loleeta is a man who thinks of himself as a woman but he is not transgender.
He is completely identified with the poor and marginalized.
If I have a persecutor alter than my guess is that it is Loleeta.
He ridicules himself and the others and often places the body in harm’s
He has his own performance piece.
Loleeta was born on a locked unit in a psychiatric hospital.
Matthew is the last Alternate.
He was born during his catechism and counts his full birth date
as the day of his baptism.
Matthew prepared to join the Franciscans but the week before
he was to move into the friary Bob came out and stopped it.
I think there are a couple more but I’m too exhausted to continue.