From what I know about your Mother I can understand how you might stumble into relationships that feel deceptive and controlling.
That you have survived to be as loving as you are attests to your strength of will and natural gift for seeing through fakes.
You will have to fight for the stability that many people mistakenly assume is the result of thinking the “right thoughts.”
The compulsion to repeat an abusive relationship is a challenge that adults abused as children must understand and overcome.
You want to make it right with your Mother, but she is gone; so you look for her in other people.
The shadows you describe are a good sign, because it means that you can see the replication before it is complete.
Your ability to see that you are in danger means that you are better able to protect yourself.
People yield to each other when they truly accept and love each other.
They yield by mutual consent.
What you are used to is love as warfare and you as hostage.
You look for emotional vampires that call you a hater when you discover that they are dead inside.
You invite them into your life and let them feed on you.
You will always have to guard against the attraction to people who can’t love.
But no one has the right to judge your perception of the difference between right and wrong. It is true that we must not judge people harshly for being who they are but there are right and wrong actions and not judging people who choose to harm other people places all of us at risk.
You are no better than anyone else is and no one else is better than you are.
This awareness is part of the magic you describe.
When we live in a world in which each of us is respected as an essential expression of the divine we no longer need to treat each other as enemies and pawns.
Your innate awareness of this fills you with the love that you struggle to express.
This spirit of love makes you seem hateful to the soulless.
But it’s not just you Bobby.
You survived a Mother who in her love for you wanted you dead.
You survived her physically and emotionally, all you need to do now is tell your story because that is how survivors help others to survive.
You must learn to understand how your past affects the present in the past, and the present in the future.
You will have to remember the selfish ignorance that raped your body, it is horrifying, but all of us must do it.
This selfish ignorance tells you that compassion is a failure to mature.
Mistaking parasitic self-interest for maturity is a convenient lie.
With all of our problems and pain, we are lucky because you are our soul and you are intact.
Adults bring the fruit of wisdom into the world.
That is our job and why we must get well.
Know that I love you and that I am here to protect you until you can protect yourself,
(c) Rob Goldstein 2014-2017 All Rights Reserved