Robby and Peter are child alternates.
My adult alternates are highly evolved and each has a specific function and range of social skills.
Each has written a story and my task with this part of my blog is to find a way to create a unified narrative.
The language I use will reflect the logic of DID.
I used to think that “insight” alone would be enough to dispel a delusional system but I was wrong.
I know that the total of these fragments of personality is me but that does not change the way I experience my alternates or the decisions they make.
I am the only alternate with a proper first and last name.
I am Rob Goldstein.
I was “retired” in the early 1990’s and replaced by Matthew.
I was re-awakened in 2012 when Matthew brought us into therapy.
My function is writing.
I first emerged as a response to the demands of learning to write and stage my work.
My literary mentor was a brilliant writer and I think he was the only person in my life at that time who understood what my “characters” really were.
As a student, I spent eight hours a day writing and the rest of my time reading or sleeping.
I replaced Bob but he did not go to sleep.
After I emerged, I explained to Bob’s friends that I had changed my name to Rob because it felt more like the name of a writer.
I thought that Bobby and Sara were characters and that my internal experience of these characters was typical of a writer.
I had general knowledge of my birthplace and education and some memory of Bob but over time that faded.
I have no inner sense of “Bob”.
Bob was “triggered” by success and I often ‘woke” up on locked psych wards with no memory of why I was there.
As part of my life as a writer in San Francisco I gave performances of my work.
Success “triggered” Bob and the price of a successful performance was a month on a locked unit.
When Bob emerged, he was always enraged, agitated and violent.
I received a diagnoses of severe Bi-Polar Illness, rapid cycling.
Bipolar Disorder is a frequent and common misdiagnosis for someone with florid Dissociative Identity Disorder.
When we didn’t respond to any of the medications we were re-diagnosed with “Borderline Personality Disorder”.
This is also a frequent misdiagnosis of DID and one that carries a distinct stigma within the mental health profession.
A diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is often a covert way of accusing difficult patients of malingering.
Bob was “wet sheeted” during one of his hospitalizations and while restrained Bob “saw” the other fragments of personality and dissociated into a new alternate.
The new alternate was an angry and sexually confused man who called himself “Loleeta”.
“Loleeta” was a male alternate who used female pronouns to describe himself.
He wrote English with a slight Spanish accent.
Three narrators tell his story in a series of vignettes.
The first person narrator is the histrionic and sexually compulsive Loleeta, the second narrator ridicules Loleeta’s dramatic exaggerations, and the third narrator bluntly states the facts.
Loleeta Morales wrote her birth at St. Mary’s Hospital in San Francisco and named it “Los Portales“.
I still wonder how the staff at the many hospitals I cycled though missed such an obvious case of DID.
Updated April 14, 20115.
Name changed from “Inside DID: First Time Ever I saw Your Face” to “My Alternates”