Abstract illustration in green red and blue to illustrate the rage of the Narcissist

Eleven Fatal Flaws of the Narcissist: Women’s Edition

Male and female narcissists have similar symptoms but express them differently.

Men are more external in how they interact with the world; women are more interpersonal.

Both genders tend toward vanity and materialism, and both are pathologically dishonest.

In addition to the sense of entitlement, grandiosity and dishonesty of pathological narcissism, female narcissists often display characteristics common to histrionic personality disorder.

People with histrionic personality disorder regard things in an emotional way–and are attention seekers.

They are uncomfortable or feel unappreciated when they are not the center of attention.

They are lively and dramatic and initially charm new acquaintances by their enthusiasm, apparent openness, or flirtatiousness.

They commandeer the role of the life of the party.

Personal interests and conversation is self-focused.

They use physical appearance to draw attention to themselves.

Emotional expression is often shallow and rapidly shifting.

Their style of speech and writing is excessively digressive, illogical and lacks detail.

They have difficulty with tasks that need logic or analytical thinking.

Psychology Today

Female narcissists create conflict to make themselves the center of attention.

To a pathological narcissist, negative attention is better than no attention.

When people leave her,  the female narcissist will say it’s because she is too independent, feisty, strong-minded, intimidating and intelligent.

20 Identifiable Traits of the Female Narcissist

On the surface narcissists look like unbeatable monsters.

They’re not.

Pathological narcissism is a set of cognitive distortions.

A woman who worked for me in a mental health facility thought she was the most informed person in the facility.

She believed she knew more than the clinical team and openly ridiculed her peers.

The patients hated her and complained that she either ignored or berated them.

She terrified the rest of the staff.

As her supervisor my attempts to improve her performance or discipline her resulted in accusations of sexual harassment.

When I pointed out that I am gay the accusation changed to misogyny; because obviously gay men hate women.

I knew that was a danger to the patients and began to document every complaint and interaction.

One night I received a call from the facility; it was a patient who told me to listen.

He stood in the hall with his cell phone in his hand and I heard this woman loudly berate an elderly patient and threatened to discharge him to the street.

It was midnight.

I fired her, but not before she managed to undermine treatment for hundreds of under-served mental health clients over the course of four years.

These are the ten fatal flaws of the pathological Narcissist.

I base this list on personal experience.

For a more clinical understanding of narcissism I suggest Medical News Today.

Fatal Flaw #1:

She believes that she is superior to everyone and becomes arrogant toward people who disagree.

This feature of pathological Narcissism impairs intellectual functioning so that they are not truly smarter than everyone.

But they are good at getting away with bad behavior.

Anything they view as a negative assessment of their worth results in lies,  blame shifting and whisper campaigns.

Eventually the people around them see the pattern and the narcissist finds herself isolated.

Fatal Flaw #2

Being right is a matter of survival for a pathological narcissist.

Any contradiction of her point of view results in irrational outbursts of rage.

She will do everything she can to destroy someone she thinks is a threat to her control and there is nothing she won’t do.

Narcissists think they have a birthright to the kind of creative and professional credibility other people earn.

Frustration of their sense of entitlement results in narcissistic rage.

Eventually people see the pattern and move on.

Fatal Flaw #3

They project their faults and dump their shame on others.

The narcissist believes she is perfect and perfectly entitled.

She believes other people believe everything she says.

She also believes everyone is like her so she projects her failure and bad behavior onto other people.

The problem is that she cannot isolate and control everyone.

Once again, it’s a pattern of behavior that becomes obvious and
the people in her life move on.

Fatal Flaw #4

They lack insight.

Refusal to take responsibility for their actions is the defining feature of pathological narcissism, regardless of gender.

This is the source of their shamelessness.

Fatal Flaw #5

They expect their friends and family members to act as props to their grandiose
sense of superiority.

Healthy people resist and move on.

Fatal Flaw #6

They take pride in their vicious attacks.

A narcissist will boast about doing things other people find offensive. They will describe their humiliation of someone as if it is an act of courage.

Healthy people will have nothing to do with it; and eventually their enablers become targets of their scorn.

Fatal Flaw #7

Narcissists don’t mature with age.

Their sense of superiority makes it impossible for them to learn from their mistakes and like children, they continue to bully or seek revenge on people for imagined insults, or any talent that threatens their delusions of superiority.

The female narcissist is always the best and most deserving little girl in the world.

Fatal Flaw #8

Their conversations revolve exclusively around themselves, their projects and their achievements.

Fatal Flaw #9

People who fail to collude with the narcissist in her grandiosity and devaluation of other people are worthless.

The result is that their relationships are shallow and short.

Fatal Flaw #10

The Narcissist must have total control over the people in her life which includes what they think.

Fatal Flaw # 11:

The narcissist assumes everyone is devoid of insight and shame.

She becomes paranoid because she believes that other people are as vindictive as she is and are also out for revenge.

She will make up a conflict to restore a sense of equilibrium and to have a crisis to bring to her enablers.

She wanders from relationship to relationship and enabler to enabler because she always drops the mask and reveals the ugliness of her narcissism.

More that anything, Narcissists fear the shame of exposure.

Rob Goldstein (c) 2016


49 thoughts on “Eleven Fatal Flaws of the Narcissist: Women’s Edition

  1. Oh Robert
    I met the best of breed in husband mother. Now passed away, I could not stand to be around her. Husband said she was always like, when I put a name to it, shook head and said your right. I know if encounter another, I’ll run other way.
    Great art work past week.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry, Mr Robert! My true blog address is;
    Dang typos!! Ha-ha!
    Have a GREAT evening!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This was extremely informative; I wish I’d read it years ago when trying to ‘make peace’ with my wife’s step-grandmother, who exhibited all of the traits you mentioned. Your experience at the facility sounds like a nightmare. Glad you made it through. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s always a nightmare to supervise a narcissist. They are unable to take criticism, and the position of supervisor makes you an automatic target for their scorn because THEY should be the supervisor and would be if they wanted it — but they don’t want it.

      I often asked her why she didn’t see a management position and that was her reply: she didn’t want to be a manager.

      They are extremely charming and knowledgeable on the surface; they have the uncanny ability to sound more experienced and professional than they are.

      So they get hired and generally make it through the probationary period.

      When I became a manager this woman was entrenched.

      She was very good at splitting the staff and the patients and very good at using the law and intimidation to keep her job.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for the post. So sad and scary that people like this give care to our sick and elderly. I’m happy she got gone but that likely means she went someplace else. I clicked into all the articles. Based on reading them my coworker is definitely a narc. She had to have a cone on her head. She looked like a skit from SNL and I felt horrible for her. She wouldn’t let her fiance see her like that cuz she was ugly. I told her off and asked her if she was diagnosed with cancer and lost her beautiful hair, would she glue a wig on so he wouldn’t see her bald? Omg, did I hear about it, lol. Oh well.

    Looking at my non made up face and grey roots and not giving a crp about it probably doesn’t make me qualify.

    Thanks again for the comprehensive post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Narcissism is more about the belief that one is superior to all people and entitled to their lives and possessions.

      Some narcissists are vain about their looks and some aren’t.

      The defining characteristic is an amplified sense of entitlement to the good things that other people have combined with a shameless lack of scruples in the way they treat the people around them. When this woman walked out of the facility with groceries she was taking food from the mouths of the homeless.


      Because she deserved it because she wasn’t paid enough for the work she did.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Then she is definitely histrionic and narcissist. I think youve helped me make a decision. Here is hoping I can carry it out.

        My ex did the food steal thing. He was a mail man in a wealthy district. The first food drive he was involved with had him taking the food that his people donated. His rationale was that he deserved it even though we could afford food. The Post Office wasnt paying him enough. One drive had me packing stuff up and dropping it at the food bank while he slept. That happened once and I heard about it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Wow…that’s pretty damned bad…but yep; they always deserve everything; especially when they deserve nothing.

        At their very worst they become wealthy CEO’s who don’t have enough of everything buying legislation that cuts funding for the SNAP program.

        There isn’t an opportunity to hurt, destroy, cheat or steal that a narcissist won’t exploit.


  5. Thank you so much for sharing this in such detail! My mother is narcissistic, histrionic and borderline. The histrionic side to her is something I only really noticed when she started acting inappropriately with my husband’s best man at our wedding. He noticed how ‘greedy’ she was for attention..I felt so embarassed but luckily he also had a narcissistic mother so knew the flaws.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They are everywhere.

      For me the idea that Narcissism in women is flavored with histrionic personality disorder makes sense.

      My Mother was like that.

      She would goad my Father into an argument and use it to create a crisis that involved every possible member of the family.

      She went from crisis to crisis and anyone who questioned her intentions was either beaten or treated with disdain.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I was beaten by mom, but I have no idea why… I was three years old and from there it was where I did whatever mom said, “Or else…!” So I did what she said cause if not I would be beaten…another words, psychological abuse cause I was scared shitless of mom and dad.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Interesting. I was trying to find out if I could be a narcissist. I am happy to say . I don’t think I am but I would say that wouldn’t I @ haha. . Men could also fill this criteria- or do you think they have a different approach and set of traits. The woman you described shocked me. It is is ‘mental’ to know that people in a caring role can be allowed to work with such vulnerable people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Most of the information about narcissism that I’ve found in the web is specific to males.

      Men do have a different style because they still gain access to more power more easily.

      The woman I describe in the piece is nothing compared a woman like Susan Smith who drowned her two children because she wanted to be with a guy she met.

      They are monstrous because they are human beings who lack the one quality that makes us human: empathy.

      They are stuck at the age of two.

      It’s like a developmental delay.

      They’ve never learned that the world is not a great big Mother who is there for only them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Mr Robert for the description of narcissism…I’m learning all of the time! Thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Mr Rob: Thank you bunches for  your post on narcissism! I am evidently not such of a type of a Diagnosis, but can appreciate how much of the world finds this type of behavior undesirable. I, having schizophrenia and multiple other mental illnesses, though, can relate on that level. If you wish please view/comment mymblog posts at:charlesinrevovery.wordpress.comPlease leave frank comments!!!Thank you,Charles R Smith II Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Kind Sir Robert: about me being extremely open about my Recovery?! I have been in Dual-Recovery for over 31 years and I figure that younger Recovering individuals could use what I have to offer. No, I’m not a Doctor nor a therapist, it’s that I’ve “been there” and have raised above the criticism! Yes, I DO believe that I am to my Community what Jackie Robinson was to African Americans when he broke the color barrier in MLB! I took crap from people who were supposed to be caring for me! I took hell on the job! I, when I had about eleven years of Dual-Recovery, participated in MY psychiatrist’s Recovery from alcoholism.
        I guess what I’m saying is that our @teamnotashamed & #imnotashamed forums have given life to ANYONE who seeks acceptance, comfort and fellowship when living with a mental illness! I have NEVER felt anything like the acceptance and Love and support anywhere else…in over 31 years of Dual-Recovery! Please keep up the good work, and I say that to anyone whom feels just awful or like me right now I’m hallucinating like crazy!! Ugh!
        Anyway, luv y’all!!
        Charles R Smith II

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Interesting. I have heard stories of narcissistic women, but my experience is with the male gender narcissist, I just habitually never think of women in this way. This is a very comprehensive description.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The majority of those people diagnosed with pathological narcissism are men; but that may be more about the fact that Western Medicine remains male-centric.

      More women get a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder. I bet that there are an equal number of men and women with combinations of both. For me the important point is that Narcissistic women are deeply damaging to anyone in their care. They destroy the futures of their own children and as professional care providers; do terrible things when they think no one is looking.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think suffering abuse from men has polarized my point of reference, I assume that all women are helpful, or worse-that they are victims. But it is true that overall, women are trusted as caregivers, and entrusted with the next generation as a matter of course. Not a good idea in every case. I am trying to see what I block out, and to discover WHY I block out what I do. I think my assumptions about women are harmful to me, as harmful as my assumptions about men.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s interesting that you point this out because I tend to block out Narcissism in men.

        I know that it’s there but it doesn’t have the same power over me. I think that alot depends on the gender of the abuse and it’s impact of the abuse on your filters.

        It’s much easier for me to filter out narcissistic males.

        It’s the females that I let in because I’m always trying to fix the primary narcissist; my Mother.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh! That could be something, perhaps I should reach back and see if there is some link to childhood. Maybe that is why I am susceptible to the men and never even consider women to be as capable. Perhaps my Why is in there.. in denial.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Even if this line of reasoning turns out wrong for you it’s worth pursuing.

        Children develop filters that are specific to the gender and personality of the abuser.

        I was not allowed to remember the abuse my Mother inflicted on me; nor was I allowed to have any feelings about those things that I did remember.

        “Children are not allowed to be angry with their Mothers!”

        The result is that I’m a sucker for women who seem childlike and who describe themselves as ‘eternally happy’ in some way.

        My Mothewas loved by everyone that she met. Everyone thought she was an ideal parent. But when we were alone she was different; and the psychological abuse took the form of triangulating me in her never ending wars with my Father and any outsider that took my attention away from her.


      5. Yeah, digging back is hard, but seems more and more important the older my children get. That does sound like narcissism. My mother was also scarily pleasant in the company of others. I was always disturbed by the way she could answer the phone in the middle of a raging tirade with the most helpful and innocent of hellos.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I have never heard that gay men hated women. All the gay men I’ve ever known, loved me and I loved them. Maybe that’s because I’m not a narcissist? Or maybe it’s because being gay, to me, isn’t any different than being straight.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m gonna go with the idea that it’s because you’re not a narcissist who’ll say and do anything to get away with being a shit…:)

      Gay men are just like straight men only they’re gay. All of the B.S. that straight men inflict on women gay men inflict on each other.

      Some gay men do hate women but so do some straight men.

      I don’t hate women. And the counselor knew it. But the accusation gave her another year to abuse the staff and the patients.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I agree with you, I’ve never heard of any gay man dislike women. But that isn’t saying that there isn’t one or two on a list somewhere.
      I have heard and met a few gay women over the years that would classify themselves as men haters, and sometimes the general public does that for them.
      I dated a woman off and on for more than 10 years. I never considered her to be narcissistic, until I read this article. Not that she falls into many of these (11) descriptors, but she definitely fit the bill on some that count. So looking back, I can now see even more clearly as tof the reason our relationship was always so touch and go.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have heard of a few gay women who hated men but I have never known one. My first work partner was gay and she didn’t hate men.
        I think it comes down to what kind of person they are and their ability to look beyond traditional boundaries and prejudices. I wasn’t raised, nor did I raise my children to hate anybody based on their religion, color, race or sexual preferences. I guess the only prejudice I have ever had was toward a gay man I dearly loved. I was thinking “damn. I wish I could turn him!” LOL. I used to tease him and his husband about it and they were wonderfully humorous about it.
        I hate that there has to be…well, hate.

        Liked by 2 people

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