I Hate Having a Mental Illness.

Prisoner
Prisoner

I hate having a mental illness.

I hate the stifling everyday management
of it.

The realization that everything I want is mine
but for this stone thrown in my path by fate
or my Mother or that inexplicable genetic
variable that
has nothing to do with either.

I hate having a mental illness.

I hate the fear and shame.

Of knowing that friends leave because of
a quirk that causes me to say things
too personal or too cutting.

Of the cognitive dissonance of an adult body
and a child’s spirit that
doesn’t understand
the limits of time.

Of the shrinks, the bewilderment and
the inability to
know the difference between
ignorance
and malice.

I hate having a mental illness.

I hate it with the passion of this
prayer
that tomorrow I will awaken
and be healed.

RG 2015

mhwgmember2015Blog for Mental Health 2015

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87 thoughts on “I Hate Having a Mental Illness.

  1. You are NOT your mental disorder 

    You are not your mental disorder. You are not your inability to read and write. You are not the social anxiety that leaves you feeling isolated and a product of alienation in a world where couples is the new norm. You are not the depression that cripples you and leaves you crying and thinking obsessively of self harm at three in the morning on the bathroom floor. You are not the voices you hear telling you to destroy. You are not the anger , the betrayal, the bitterness and the drowning. You are not a replay button of all the horrifying experiences and painful memories you’ve ever had. You are not your molest- you are instead a survivor of it.You are a Beautiful warm sunshine in a world full of dark dreary gloomy days. You are a rainbow , a paradox ,a haiku ,the moonlight shining on a still lake. You are the books you read , the music you listen , the love you give and deserve , the movies you watch . You are the things you eat, the air you breathe and the places you travel to. You are the photos you take and the poems you write. You are the smile you bring on other people’s faces, the masterpieces you create 

    So repeat after me and believe me when I say

    YOU. ARE. NOT. YOUR. MENTAL. DISORDER

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  2. I’m sorry you suffer with mental illness, too. It took a lot of courage for you to write that. Those of us suffering with these hateful mental illnesses need to stick together and get the word out, get these people educated, and to get the stigma attached to mental illness removed. The brain is no different than having a problem or illness of any other part of the body. why the hell does this one organ, the brain, have to be separated and categorized as “mental illness” as opposed to physical illness. They all cause “physical symptoms…………………..sigh……………………….it’s so frustrating. I hate it, too! Just know you are not alone and you are not alone in feeling this way. We all walk this journey together. Take care. Peace out! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. It’s all up and down. Some days I forget about it completely and other days I can barely gather my thoughts. I suspect that this is how life is for most people. I’m grateful that I can join with other people to push back against the crushing stigma of mental illness. In the final analyses the stigma is more damaging than the illnesses can ever be.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This resonates with me
    I’m 19 and suffer with BPD major depressive disorder self harm anxiety and bulimia I have attempted suicide twice
    The most recent attempt just two weeks before Christmas and has been the focus of my blog since
    I’m glad you posted this and I’ll definitely be following

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and leaving a comment. You may also find my most recent post helpful. It is possible to learn how to live with the brokenness but getting there is not always as easy as changing up your thoughts.

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  4. Robert, I just wanted to say that I too hate having a mental illness. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and I really appreciate your blog because you acknowledge that it is NOT easy have a mental illness.
    My blog is “breathinglifewithocd.com” and I go into great detail about my OCD and what I’ve been through. I’d love if you would check it out.. so you’ll know that no matter which illness you have, you’re NOT alone! Take care, Robert!

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  5. Amen to that.. This illness sucks.. big style sucks. I’m diagnosed with schizophrenia, and there are days when I want to punch that diagnosis in its ugly nose. This is really nicely written, thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think this is true for anyone who has a chronic illness to manage. The best way to punch it in the nose is to take care of yourself, stay on the medications and know that your talents are worth mining. Thank you for reading the post and leaving a comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s cool thanks for sharing. Yes I agree- I’m actually writing a book on recovery from extreme mental illness atm, so thought on recovery and maintaining it are always welcome. I want to check out some more of your blog soon, is always so interesting hearing about other peoples experiences of this illness. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I was diagnosed 12 years ago.. and have come a very long ways since then. I am HOPING that the things/ideas etc that have been useful to me over that time can be useful to others.. I feel like I have a lot of advice to give.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you so mu. ch.. I’m on third edit atm, so it’s coming along. Has been a labour of love though! Subject matter being what it is, it isn’t light hearted, but I hope I can convey hope.. that is the aim 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Doing what you love to do is a great pleasure and source of healing. I believe that God, however you understand God, guides us toward the good. All we have to do is trust our instincts and when we need it, accept help.

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      1. I found it helpful to have therapy specific to my diagnosis.

        A diagnosis of schizo affective disorder is no less frighting and profound than a heart attack or a diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease and yet, unless we ask for it, the Nation’s Behavioral Health System does not assume that patients have ‘feelings’ about life transforming illness so we have to ask for these things.

        I had grief counseling around the losses I incurred, especially the loss of my job and the anger I felt over the loss of my sense of control. I was also enraged by the very real stigma I experience because I have a mental health diagnosis.

        It’s normal to hate your illness. It might be helpful if you had someone who could see you through it as part of your treatment.

        Especially since real depression compounds and triggers the biochemical aspects of your mood swings.

        A huge problem for people with PTSD and other conditions that affect mood is that we sometimes forget that we also have normal reactions to life adverse events just like other people.

        It’s possible that you’re having a normal emotional response to a real and traumatizing circumstance.

        Again…I am no expert, I am responding to what I read as your pain. The only people who can know with any certainty are you and your treatment providers.

        https://healthcare.utah.edu/huntsmancancerinstitute/cancer-information/resources/factsheetpdfs/grieflossofhealth.pdf

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      2. I am also schitzoaffective I have bipolar and ADHD…I am surprised I didn’t die of a heart attack when I first got sick….hearing voices feeling something touching me all over seeing stuff that wasn’t really their and smelling flowers constantly…..no I’m full fledge…I also have anger over losing my job…I am on disability and being home all the time is like a prison

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I know those symptoms.

        I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder before I was diagnosed with a Dissociative condition. It’s interesting that PTSD and schizoaffective disorder have such similar symptoms.

        Current practice is to screen for a trauma history and dissociation before making a diagnosis of borderline personality or effectiveness disorder.

        The screening is called a DES. Here is a link

        http://traumadissociation.com/des

        I assume your doctors screened you before they gave you your diagnosis.

        If you’re on Federal Disability then you might receive some combination of the Medicare and the Affordable Care Act? or just Medicare.

        The good news is that DBT and essential psychotherapy are covered.

        Remember that these are just some of the strategies I used in dealing with my illness and may not apply to you. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Schizophrenia is a frightening diagnosis for many reasons and if you are young it can feel like the end of the world. The important thing to remember is that it’s not. I’ve seen many people with Schizophrenia return to work and school. It’s not easy but my bet is that if you’re writing about it you’ve got what it takes to learn how to live with it. 🙂 The most serious obstacle to treatment is the loss of the insight that one is ill. When were you diagnosed? Do you have a therapist?

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      2. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It combines good old fashioned insight with Cognitive approaches such as ‘listening’ to your thoughts. For instance, I have panic attacks when I go out doors. With DBT skills I use strategies to work with the
        panic attacks because it’s healthier to go outside and walk. One strategy is to use a headset — another is to look through the eyepiece of my camera.

        In both cases my mind switches from focusing on how I feel to what I am hearing and seeing. The other strategy I use which is the real gold of DBT is the insight that I am most likely to have a panic attack when I start to feel angry.

        I was never allowed to be angry as a child–ever; even when violated.

        The anger had to become something so it became a fear of losing control.

        So, there is a connection.

        Does the insight make the problem go away? No. I still have terrible panic attacks but I can also take pleasure in at least four hours of walks in the sun each week.

        Here is a link that explains some of the skills you can learn.

        http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_skills_list.html

        If there are DBT courses in you area you may have access to them through your insurance. A case manager might help you to find them.

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  6. I have mental illness since I was 9 years old. That hospital stay was Dec 2015 in doing well in support groups , see my doctor take my pills on time and write in my journal every night before I go to bed.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes I got my rage uncontrol , depression not that had and now mentor with girls who where I’m the same hosp that I stayed at. Now I’m helping them find themselves again and that is a good feeling to use my story to help I no I can’t save everyone but if I save 1 then that family don’t have to bury there daughter

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  7. You have a very beautiful website. I look forward to coming back and reading more. Please stop by mine and if you like, follow back.

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  8. Found my way here through Jacqueline’s online party. It is wonderful to meet you! And I love how honest your posts are! I’m truly happy I came across you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suppose I would have done what my cousins did. They became successful professionals. I don’t consider myself unsuccessful. I think that I am doing what I’m supposed to do and that these experiences do have meaning if they help in small way to open people’s eyes to the actual condition of the lives of the people around them. Someone somewhere may read something on my blog that makes them wonder why they forgot that the homeless guy is human.

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    1. It is a blessing to know something is wrong and be able to manage things as best we can. Manageability may be burdensome but most of us have this or that affliction and must be part of our daily routine.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. As painful as your experience is, there is great strength here as I read through your blog and the caring comments of those who understand, honor your feelings and support your journey. These words struck me the most: “No matter how many soul-sucking narcissists I let in the one person to whom I give my heart has never betrayed that trust; and for that I am blessed.” There is something to be treasured in those words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you…I appreciate your comments and support. I think we all have rough moments — the trick is to make sure that they are but moments. I don’t think anyone likes having an illness. Learning how to live with what you did not choose and do not want is part of life…it’s reality. Thank you for your kind and supportive comment and for following my blog…:)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And you are incredibly smart Rob and an amazing soul……people who ‘claim’ that they don’t suffer from any illness…..many times don’t turn up as wonderful and a good citizen as you are.
        Its always a pleasure to read your blog 🙂
        Yes it can be tough sometimes, but you have managed to earn a huge respect from a lot of people 🙂
        Best wishes to you!!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Robert, I’m not sure how much healthy people can see through the narcissist and their ploys but I do know that narcissist seek people who they perceive to have a weakness so that they can exploit them. So in that vein, I don’t think it’s us, but the narcissists seeking us out. They can tell that we’ve been steeped in dysfunction and know just what to say and do to get us to trust them.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Right…and there is an especially hideous kind of that does that kind of thing. The curious thing about a stone cold narcissist is how they can recruit people to support them in the cruelest behaviors.

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      2. Well…it’s a bit of a nightmare. Especially when their behavior is lethal. I can’t quite wrap my mind around someone who attaches herself to someone who is ill simply for the pleasure of making the person sicker. My partner was reading some of the material written about Narcissism and he said: “It sounds so angry.” and I said, “Pathological Narcissism breaches every moral and social code that we consider civilized.” They rape us. They rape us emotionally and they rarely get caught.

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      3. I think that pathological Narcissism may be responsible for the decline of Western Democracy. What use would such people have for the lives of others? Unless to exploit them. Even their claim to caring about the ‘sanctity of life’ isn’t much more than a property argument.

        “What’s in it for me” is the only question they have. A sacrifice for the well being of others has no material benefit for a narcissist.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Not even their own children.

        Witness the endless blood letting in the name of second amendment ‘rights’…the same people who want to control the wombs of women can’t be bothered to protect the lives they say are so precious.

        I think what they want is a large endless supply of cheap labor.

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  11. Yes. Thank you. We can be all enlightened, speak on rights and “pride” but the reality is…having a mental illness sucks. There’s nothing wrong with saying it either.

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    1. I am so sick of placing my trust in people who are not just incapable of treasuring it, but who maliciously use it as a toy before crushing it.

      I can’t stand it and I don’t know what to do.

      The realization that I’ve turned my emotional life over to another fucking soul-sucking narcissist always leaves my mind reeling regardless of how often it happens.

      The process of coming to terms with the hurt and anger is never easy.

      Each aspect of me has a different way of feeling.

      Last night I had to stop the ‘protector’ from going into Second Life and throwing everyone out of the land group.

      I don’t want to play a Second Life drama game with my feelings.

      How does one respond to people who have no conscience or regard for the rights of other people?

      Now it’s my younger aspects; frightened of trusting anyone.

      Today I feel as if I am a rabbit in a world populated by wolves – The problem is that I don’t know if that assessment is real or a product of my illness.

      I only know that it makes me want to stop everything and just let myself die.

      Which is how I feel; not what I intend to do…

      Thank you for your comment…

      And yes.

      Hating the damned thing is part of living with it.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. It never gets healed. We try our best to manage it. We have a great deal of power and control when we know we have it. This way we don’t feel helpless and wonder what’s going on. We understand what’s going on. It’s mental illness in its dozens and dozens of presentations. With practice we manipulate our thinking to compensate for inappropriate behavior and thinking and moods. We are not always successful. There should be no shame just as there should not be shame for any other disease. For me it’s been depression, bi polar and anxiety syndrome for most of my life. The meds decrease frequency and dull the intensity but often I feel just like that which is expressed in the post. We cannot let it immobilize us. I do allow my self “being crushed” time but most often get angry and get stubborn and fight back because I know the feelings are a mere illusion and not reality. I try to compartmentalize this “other me” in a mental chamber of my mind. He still gets lose from time to time. I accept it. Connection with Higher Power (some call it God) helps.

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    1. Thank you reading the post and leaving such an honest comment.

      You’re right. There has to be time to hurt because pain is a huge part of any illness. But we must get on with our lives. No matter how many soul-sucking narcissists I let in the one person to whom I give my heart has never betrayed that trust; and for that I am blessed.

      Thank you again.

      Liked by 2 people

  13. I am glad you are posting so honestly, Robert. And I am glad blogging gives you the opportunity to get those things off of your chest. I only see the peak of the iceberg of course. But what I see makes me understand your struggle very well.

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      1. Robert, even before I started following you, I noticed the appreciation towards you here in the blog sphere. Your community likes and appreciates you a lot. I hope you really know that!

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      2. Oh yes. I do! I most certainly do and it give me strength. I appreciate every last comment, visit and like. I think that grieving is essential to healing; and since I want this blog to reflect what it actually feels like to come to terms with a mental health diagnosis in the U.S. I realize that I have to inbclude the dreams, the losses, the frustrations and the successes. I might add that is essential to take risks. Had I not taken the risk of blogging I would not have found the people on WordPress. Thank you for reading my blog and for your comments and support.

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  14. Can I say that I know what you mean? I know that this resonates very loudly with me. I hate the isolation, the doubt that my thoughts and feelings appropriately reflect the larger “reality,” the fear of starting friendships because I know where that always seems to end up, the trickling away of the friends that I had…The abandonment of my remaining family because they side with my mother and don’t believe my “stories” of her evil side, her cooptation of my cousins so that they consider her their mother and I’m the evil one…The constant thoughts of suicide, the loss of my profession or any prospect of meaningful work because I never know from day to day whether I will be able to function, or whether I will be hiding from the world that day…Yeah. Mental illness. It sucks.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. If I can stop letting them in…If I can see the signs before I let them close enough to burn me…If I can learn to “see” them the way healthy people can.

      You won’t find many healthy and empowered people among the acolytes of a narcissist.

      Most people can see how morally repulsive they are at the outset.

      Little factoids sink in a little at a time…so that the damned crisis of confidence lasts for days at a time.

      I just hate it.

      It’s one thing to decide that nearly everyone you’ve met on a given social network isn’t worth knowing; it’s another to have that insight in your life in general.

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