I’ve begun to follow the blogs of other people with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
I don’t know what my own DID looks like but I can see the whole person
in the fragments of self-expression on these other blogs.
Where my DID differs is the way my alternates evolved after they
found Second Life.
When the first alternate joined Second Life in 2009 the others quickly followed.
Each of them evolved socially and each wanted time in SL with its own circle of friends.
Some members knew the different alternates but few people believed that I had DID.
That was in part due to the fact that I didn’t believe I had DID either.
When I fully realized in 2011 that my life as a functioning adult was over I became desperate and angry and in my rage I blamed all of Second Life.
In that regard I really am only human: fear makes people behave irrationally.
I was terrified.
I’m five years healthier now and no longer feel like a helpless victim.
My task is to learn how to use SL in ways that enhance my life and to
respect the dangers in VR that are unique to people with DID.
I am of two class groups
The rich man remembers High School in Queens, walks through Forest Hills, classes in art and music and going to the zoo with his Grandmother.
The poor man calls himself white trash.
He only remembers the poverty of the housing projects, the ignorance of his neighbors and the shame of illiteracy.
All of my alternates are divided by two.
Each alternate in our system has an alternate that looks and behaves as if it has only known poverty.
This division by class means that every period of prosperity is followed by a period of poverty.
In my 20’s I’d find a job that paid well and six months later need to be hospitalized..
It looked like I had bi-polar illness.
As I aged each new self had a little more skill.
Rob studied literature.
Matthew studied computers.
Robert is still learning photography and social media.
The goal of my DID is invisibility.
I become invisible in most social settings by fitting in.
When Matthew emerged in the 1990’s he had better social skills and access to the knowledge we had acquired in New Haven.
He first worked in IT and then shifted to mental health.
He gained access to what we knew about psycho-dynamic treatment principles and he went to work in the mental health system.
Matthew’s identity is organized around the Catholic principles of liberation theology which gives him a sense of passion as an advocate.
The alternates in my system are also united in their love for our partner.
We succeeded in building a life worth living and if we had not aged past 50
we might have remained stable.
Some men with DID get worse as they age because they feel more vulnerable.
I’m one of them.
I fell apart again when I turned 58.
People with a mental illness must learn how to cope with the effects of disruptive symptoms, the social stigma induced by the symptoms and the stress of living in a country that seems to have collectively lost its mind.
This is not the first time that the modern civilized world
has gazed into the abyss.
The problem is that we may not survive to get another chance.
I don’t understand why we can’t have a national history lesson and just accept the fact that we made a mistake in 1980.
Unregulated capitalism is a failure and destructive to the common good.
I don’t understand why our nation has to disintegrate to figure out
that we need to re-regulate capitalism.
I don’t understand repeatedly falling for the same lies decade after decade.
It’s 2016 and we are still investigating bogus Clinton scandals.
As an abuse survivor, I look at American politics and see a mob of racist adults hurling stones at black children the day my South Carolina grammar school was desegregated.
I see the man who called me a kike and kicked me in the stomach when my body was five.
So I read these words in Salon today I felt afraid:
For a generation, gun advocates have defended the right to bear arms as a check against tyranny, and for just as long liberals have dismissed this as a melodramatic talking point. But what if we take them at their word, and accept that it is possible we are witnessing the opening phase of a still-inchoate violent uprising by a broad class of Americans, who, ignored politically, bypassed economically, and dismissed socially, are beginning to take matters into their own hands?
What if, in other words, Donald Trump isn’t an aberration created by the miscalculations of party elite, but the political expression of a much deeper, and more dangerous, frustration among a very large, well-armed segment of our population? What if Trump isn’t a proto-Mussolini, but rather a regrettably short finger in the dike holding back a flood of white violence and anger this country hasn’t seen since the long economic boom of the 1950s and ’60s helped put an end to the Jim Crow era?
One way or another, we’re going to find out soon. Trump made headlines when he suggested his supporters would riot if he were denied the nomination despite his lead in the delegate count. Even if we are spared that spectacle, the Trump era will almost certainly come to an end by November. And then we will be left with the naked fact of his followers, too few in number to effect meaningful change on their own, too numerous for the rest of us to ignore, too angry to sit still for long.
I know these people.
Part of me was raised by them and Bobby has let me see his memories.
They dehumanize the people they hate.
For people driven by hate and fear killing a Jew or a Gay man or a
Liberal is no different from shooting an animal.
Bobby thinks that their leadership in Congress won’t pass
gun restrictions because they will resort to violence if Hillary
Trump has already called for violence should he lose the GOP
Why wouldn’t he do the same for the general election?
That’s how Bobby and I see it and I pray that we’re wrong.
But I don’t think we are.
I sometimes think that it’s better to just live in my delusions.