Art by Rob Goldstein

Sometimes It Hurts When Treatment Works

Psychotherapy is a process of denial, acceptance and change.

I must change my internal perceptions of myself.

I am not stupid.

I am not lazy.

I am not a pervert.

Each word imposed on me before I learned
to understand  ‘I am.”

I’ve had two sessions of EMDR  therapy with plenty
of time between sessions for me to process the
sessions.

It’s taken five years for me to develop enough trust
in my therapist to go ahead with EMDR.

EMDR opens up communication between
alternates and two of my youngest ones
are sharing their memories with me.

Some of these memories  are terrible.

Who wants to remember the pain and isolation of an
abusive childhood?

Who wants to remember being raped?

To accept is to fully own each memory in its fullness.

I must accept these memories as mine.

Undoing means grieving the loss of who I might
have been had the abuse not happened.

Sometimes it hurts when treatment works.

This is when you must choose not to run.

(C) Rob Goldstein 2016-2017

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44 thoughts on “Sometimes It Hurts When Treatment Works

  1. NOW THAT I’M HEAR I’M SO AMAZED AT THE BEAUTY OF YOUR SITE WHICH HAS OPENED TO MANY QUESTIONS TO ASK. ARE YOU USING WACCOM, AND ? SOFTWARE TO DRAW? YOUR CATEGORIES LIST IS AWESOME AND I DON’T GIVE ANY THOUGHT ON WHY? I KNOW AFTER SEEING I UNDERSTAND, TIME. ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT HABIT I HAVE IS SPENDING TO MUCH TIME ON LINE AND MY WRIST ARE MY SECOND BIGGEST SET BACKS. I WON’T STOP WHEN I KNOW I SHOULD. ANYTHING YOU DO OR SOFTWARE. I HAVE DRAGON UNOPENED, USE ANY ASSIST TO SLOW THE PAIN.
    I WILL LEAVE FOR NOW SO I CAN GO TO MY THIRD EMAIL TODAY. LYME IS THE BIGGEST OF BIG BITCHE’S. IT’S SO GREAT HOW LYME ? JUMPED ON THE NAME OF A GROUP AFTER WE HAD A SHORT CHAT. THE BADGE IS NICE, WILL RUN INTO HER IN IN BOX.
    🙂
    I UST NOTICED HOW EASY WITH PREVIOUS POST! SEE WHY I NEED TO LEAVE.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. HI ROB
    I AM AMAZED YOU CAN KEEP UP THE ALL THE COMMUNICATION OR WRITING. LYME IS LIKE BRAKES ON. HELP ME, WHY IS THE COOKIE MESSAGE NEEDED/ IS IT SOMETHING I SHOULD DO MYSELF. IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO ASK FOR HELP, YOU MAY UNDERSTAND. I HAVE A STACK OF YOUR POST TO READ. I KNOW YOU HAVE MORE DIFFICULT ISSUES THAN I AND DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU WORK AT THE PACE YOU DO. MAYBE YOU HAVE WORKING HABITS TO SPEED UP WORK.
    I WANT TO FOLLOW THE STORY OF YOU LIFE AND I FORGOT THE NAME
    OR HOW TO FIND IT. I NEVER READ INSTRUCTIONS OR REMEMBER WHAT I KNEW BEFORE. I WONDER EVERYDAY IF YOU ARE STILL HOUSE BOUND? IS THAT CRAZY?
    I SIGNED UP FOR THE MUSIC LIBRARY YOU USE, I’VE NEVER THOUGT ABOUT WHERE YOU’RE GETTING TUNES. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE IF THE TUNES I LIKE ARE IN THERE.
    HUGS FOR YOUR HELP
    🙂
    M

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I have just forgotten where I have been last week, other than the usual things I do everyday I have no recall. I was too ill to go to the mountains to church on Sunday and I was the Preacher.Br luke read my Homily for me while Jessica and I attended via Skype

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Wow!…Have you been to a doctor? Has this happened before? What is your blood pressure? Do you have other symptoms that might suggest a stroke? or perhaps diabetes? …And have you been to a doctor?

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      3. hi, yes, it happens with the memory loss from Epilepsy, blood pressure is managed well with medication and the diabetes with insulin and tablets. My hypothalamus has been damaged and so has my Right Temporal horn due to the seizures and medications and doing too much fries my brain. I am doing my best to live in the present, perhaps too good a job ha

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      4. Yes, sometimes, there are times when I have been on a bus or train and have gone into a fugue state and missed my stop by kilometres – completely unawares and other times am aware that I am away with the Fairies so to speak.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just let myself be the way I am…then I remember that it’s not in my nature to accept being broken. whatever the pain may be the pain that was is over. That’s the good news. Thanks for leaving a comment!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. We are all broken. Keep doing the work, but accept your humanity. You found a way to survive that may no longer work in your life. But, even is you did not have trauma, PTSD and DID, you would be, like everyone else, in some way broken. Brokenness can be beautiful, just as Japanese kintsugi pottery.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I guess I don’t mean broken. You’re right, all of us are broken in some way. Life is a course in survival and if you succeed you get to die with battle scars. What I meant was shattered. An adult with DID is a shattered child.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes, of course, DID is not what we all live with. I was trying to be affirming of you as a whole made of disparate pieces, even if those disparate pieces are alternates. I did not mean to dismiss the severity of DID, nor discourage you in integrating them, if that is your goal, or getting to know them and their stories. Whatever your goal is in therapy, I support. What I wanted to say is that you ARE NOW beautiful, loving and lovable, and will continue to be beautiful, loving and lovable, whether shattered or not.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Well, Robert, not exactly broken but a very cracked pot, you are all in shards and so get hurt when you rub up against each other. Now you will be doing a lot more rubbing until the edges are smooth again and as seamless as they will be.

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  3. I’ve been going to emdr treatments for a few months and have noticed a difference. I’m more capable of grounding myself in times of anxiety and to a voice dissociation or aggression. Keep it up!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes, it truly hurts once the treatment works. Because then that pain we tried to hide somewhere in order to never feel it again is coming up. It is coming up in order to leave. When we look at it consciously we go through it all again – fully. But we also realize that it is over and we are able to get a different look at it which enables us to let it go…. healing can hurt!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I agree that relationships heal. The most powerful intervention that a psychotherapist offers is a supportive, safe relationship. Honestly, what truly heals is love, compassion and empathy.

        Liked by 1 person

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