Dissociative Identity Disorder: Platitudes and Blame

An Apology

My alternates write and post while I think I’m asleep.

This still causes a sense of remorse and shame.
I try to comfort myself by saying, most people don’t care.

But I care.

Why?
Fear.
Of what?
Fear of bigots who do cruel things to people with mental illnesses
and justify their cruelty with cheap platitudes.

They’re everywhere including the Behavioral Health System at Kaiser.

One of my alternates responds to the implied blame in certain
platitudes with rage:
“This hurts me more than it does you”
“If they stayed in their place this wouldn’t happen.”
“People should be with their own kind.

“If you tried harder you could work!”

“All you have to do is change how you think!”

The corpses of people tortured into their graves while
their tormentors shamed them with cheap platitudes
litter the World’s graveyards.
Arbeit macht frei
“Work Makes Free” was the wisdom at the gates of Auschwitz
What triggered me this time?
Last Thursday I arrived at Kaiser Facility to begin a 12 Week
course: Managing the symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder.
I had called on Monday to verify the schedule at the request of
my therapist.
When I checked in the receptionist said I was not scheduled to begin
the course until January of next year.
I felt the angry one surface:
“That’s stupid!” He said. “That’s like having a broken leg  and being told to come back in six months to have it set. Who do I talk to?”
The receptionist left a message with the therapist who runs the schedule and got me
into the group.
Switching that fast is always a big deal.
It is a visceral defense mechanism automatically activated as part of the flight or fight response.
In my case, the response is fight.
But a result of being chronically “activated” is that I have a low threshold for panic attacks.
When I reached the waiting room, I could hear my heart pounding.
I sat down and other patients began to arrive for the 4pm group.
One woman was using them as an inducement to leaving her home.
She only left her house to come to Kaiser.
At 4:30PM, there were five of us waiting for the group to start.
Someone went up to reception and discovered that the group was cancelled.
No one on the staff had bothered to tell the five patients who had arrived early
and were anxiously waiting for the group to begin,
Kaiser cancelled an important treatment group because the group leader
was sick and the Kaiser Department of Behavioral Health is so understaffed
there was no one to take her place.
This was the trigger that resulted in lost time this weekend.
It is my job to manage my illness and I take responsibility when I screw up.
I’m not saying that Kaiser is responsible for my behavior during a trigger response.
I am always responsible for what I say and do.
And I am working toward the day when my emotions will stop having minds of their own.
To do that I will need a treatment provider that wants to treat serious mental illness
and that cares enough about its patients to offer a fully staffed department of
psychiatry.
Art by Rob Goldstein
Kaiser Defense Mechanisms

(C) Rob Goldstein 2014

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18 thoughts on “Dissociative Identity Disorder: Platitudes and Blame

  1. Good for you for doing all the right things; calling and checking, getting on the group when they made a mistake, going to the group early, going to the group. The rest was not your job to do, for the therapist to be there and do their job.

    It is totally understandable that you were triggered, lost time, and had others active. In my opinion, it is not something to be ashamed of or a failure or something that you did wrong. You are multiple, you dissociate, that is normal for someone with DID.

    You were doing the best that you could. I think that you should be very proud of yourself. It sounds like working on more inner communication will help as you continue to heal. I’ve been there myself a lot. I have awareness of all my shifts, but it took a long time to get there. You have so much to be proud of in all the work that you have done.

    Good and healing thoughts to yous.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kate! What you’ve said is what my therapist says. There is a lot of resistance to communication — there are times when I worry that I may be too old to heal from this but it’s worth a try. Even without complete internal communication life is better since starting treatment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So much of what you wrote here resonates with me. I recently became aware that after many years, someone my husband and I thought of as a close friend and teacher, is truly a lying, thieving, malicious SOB. Very hard wake up call. It will take a long time to get through this one. I, too, am highly susceptible to panic attacks, and this latest “shock” has brought more on.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kaiser is one of the worst…I, and close friends and family members, have had to deal with one thing or another, medically, due to Kaiser’s shabby practices.

    It makes me wonder what their employees are being paid for – it certainly isn’t for doing the jobs that they were hired to do!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What makes the fact that Kaiser is one of the worst is that it was the driving force behind the ACE study that proved the correlation between ‘adverse events’ in childhood and PTSD.

      It is the arrogance of the marketplace.

      If we do nothing else in this country we must liberate our healthcare from profiteers.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Agreed…health care should be that – “health care.”

        As it stands, it’s become the “health industry” – and care cannot be industrialized! The drug companies are no help, either, what with the freebies they give to doctors so that their pills are the only ones available to patients…whether they’re needed or not.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. things like that really grind my gears! they set off my triggers of abandonment, invisibility etc and i try to hold it back, and cry, but i can never hold it back for long and then i just flip my lid. just as you said Rob does. And I know it is my thing to work on and my thing to be responsible for, but it would really help if people weren’t so lazy and if they did their jobs right!!

    Liked by 1 person

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