Yes, I hear the voices of my alternates.
But their voices are not hallucinations.
They are more like thoughts that sound external.
Each alternate has a function.
Some alternates communicate autonomously with each other and though
there are boundaries between alternates these boundaries can be permeable.
“Dissociative identities exist in a third reality, an inner world that is visualized, heard, felt and experienced as real. This third reality is often characterized by trance logic. In trance logic, ideas and relationships of ideas about things are not subject to the rules of normal logic. Because (the alternates) are kept in separate compartments (of the brain), contradictory beliefs and ideas can exist together; they do not have to make sense. In the way, the internal world has many alternate selves that experience themselves as separate people. There is a pseudo delusional sense of separateness and independence.”
From Trauma and Dissociation
I don’t experience the inner world of my dissociative system as vividly
as the alternates that use Second Life do.
I’m Rob Goldstein.
I was born as an adult and I function as an apparently normal self.
That means that I smooth things over, I look and sound like an adult…albeit one that does not know how old he is.
I don’t use Second Life because I think it’s cheesy.
I look at what comes out of Second Life and try to understand it, but I don’t.
It’s not my job to use Second Life.
My job is processing photographs and writing essays.
This means is I know very little about the Second Life members of this Family.
I don’t feel anger. I don’t experience grief.
I wonder if I am made in the image of Star Trek’s Spock.
I think in terms of logic.
When asked by someone if I felt proud of the art made by my alternates I replied that it is illogical for me to feel proud of work produced by other people.
If one stays with the logic of Dissociative Identity Disorder than these people who have their own special place on my brain are not me, even if everyone around me thinks they are.
I don’t hear them often but I can sometimes sense when one of them is going to take over.
Reading that Sara is the internal Mother is new information.
I did not know she used Second Life to recreate a scenes from the past.
I did not know she has a relationships with the child alternates.
I did not know they talk to her.
I did not know the children don’t trust the men in the system.
And I did not know Sara thinks that I and the other men in this system are
useless at protecting us from predators.
The little boy who imagined this elaborate coping mechanism was smart enough to create a good Mother.
Each time Sara takes them into Second Life and comforts them she corrects some of the damage done by the real Mother.
Sara gives them what they need.
When she stands up for them she also says that they are worth fighting for.
I cannot think of a child who does not need a parent or a parent figure who will fight for it.
The child invented a good Mother and gave her a place on his brain.
Unfortunately, I have a pathological need to understand everyone.
I give the most obvious narcissist every chance to behave decently.
And Mateo lets female narcissists intrude on his virtual space.
He won’t throw them out because he doesn’t want to be cruel.
Do you understand how crazy that is?
Mateo and I don’t want to hurt the feelings of pornographers, pedophiles, con-men, narcissistic abusers, back-biters and female sociopaths who
find sport in sabotaging our mental health.
We don’t want to hurt the feelings of malicious people who gleefully kick
us when we’re down.
This is what happens to a mind that must normalize barbarism.
For me and Mateo, danger is always invisible.
But not for Sara.
Perhaps it’s because Sara is female.
It is possible that Sara lacks an abused boy’s need to please his Mother.
Here is why she finally blew up:
Mateo opened their virtual studio in Second life to a narcissist who
took it over.
This narcissist trashed the Studio and refused to leave.
Then she set out to savage our reputations on Flickr and
had begun to do the same on Word Press.
Mateo was reluctant to remove her from the Second Life studio
because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
Adult survivors of abuse don’t trust their own perceptions.
So, Sara emerged and threw everyone out.
It was the right thing to do because that Studio in Second Life
is an extension of our inner world.
Letting other people into it makes us vulnerable.
Sara did what was healthy.
And that is why my shame is now pride.
I can see that even with DID we are healthy and strong enough
to protect ourselves.
(c) RG 2015-2016