Yes, I hear the voices of my alternates.
But their voices are not hallucinations.
They are more like thoughts that sound external.
Each alternate has a function.
Some alternates communicate autonomously with each other.
There are memory boundaries between alternates but over time these boundaries become ever more permeable.
“Dissociative identities exist in a third reality, an inner world that is visualized, heard, felt and experienced as real. This third reality is often characterized by trance logic. In trance logic, ideas and relationships of ideas about things are not subject to the rules of normal logic. Because (the alternates) are kept in separate compartments (of the brain), contradictory beliefs and ideas can exist together; they do not have to make sense. In the way, the internal world has many alternate selves that experience themselves as separate people. There is a pseudo delusional sense of separateness and independence.”
From Trauma and Dissociation
I don’t experience the inner world of my dissociative system as vividly
as the alternates that use Second Life do.
I’m Rob Goldstein.
I was born as an adult and I function as an apparently normal self.
That means that I smooth things over, I look and sound like an adult…albeit one that does not know how old he is.
I look at what comes out of Second Life and try to understand it, but I don’t.
It’s not my job to use Second Life.
My job is processing photographs and writing political essays.
This means is I know very little about the Second Life members of my strange inner Family.
I don’t feel anger. I don’t experience grief.
I wonder if I am made in the image of Star Trek’s Spock.
I think in terms of logic.
When asked by someone if I felt proud of the art made by my alternates I replied that it is illogical for me to feel proud of work produced by other people.
If one stays with the logic of Dissociative Identity Disorder the alternates are separate people with their own special place on my brain.
Think of my brain as a busy server.
I don’t often hear them but I can sometimes sense when one of them is going to take over.
Reading that Sara is the internal Mother is new information.
I did not know she used Second Life to recreate a scenes from the past.
I did not know she has a relationships with the child alternates.
I did not know they talk to her.
I did not know the children don’t trust the men in the system.
And I did not know Sara thinks that I and the other men in this system are
useless at protecting us from predators.
The little boy who imagined this elaborate coping mechanism was smart enough to create a good Mother.
Each time Sara takes them into Second Life and comforts them she corrects some of the damage done by the real Mother.
Sara gives them what they need.
When she stands up for them she also says that they are worth fighting for.
I cannot think of a child who does not need a parent or a parent figure who will fight for it.
The child invented a good Mother and gave her a place on his brain.
After seven years of intensive psychotherapy I can see that even with DID I am healthy, creative and strong enough to protect myself and thrive.
(c) Rob Goldstein 2015-2016-2017