Illustration made in Virtual Reality

I Live in Your Grave

Emptiness: a beginning and we are at war. That night we entered your womb; a deformed thing joined at the head: we would spit on you but you are dead and now I must drag your body; you are dead and I must sever your carcass from my skull.

Emptiness: an ending and I am your hostage; strapped to my seat, fearful, sweating, and terrified that I’m next.

Does this ecstasy of death include me?

I am death’s hostage; why does she ask me to join her when she cannot
say she wants me: when she will not give me the value of my life!

Who tallies the value of my life if not she?

Who is responsible for this relentless self-loathing?

You tell me I must love you as hatred seeps from your spirit into mine.

The pursuit of emptiness begins with the fabrication of a perfect lie,
honed to truth, and brutal in its deceptive honesty.

I must bear the humiliation of kneeling to beastliness.

Words and Text (c)Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved
 

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17 thoughts on “I Live in Your Grave

  1. Your uncle’s children bore no blame in the death of and the ignoring of their Aunt, your mother.I see no sin they should have to atone for as their parents might.
    Though personally I can see reasons why the brothers might have chosen to ignore their sister in life ( though it may not always have been like that and they may at some point have offered help) I think they’re wrong to have offered that insult to you, her children. A condolence card would have been fitting even if their presence was to be excused.
    Your forgiveness of them is not to help them but to help you by ridding you of the burden of blame you carry.
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you David, I appreciate your comments and you are correct in your observation that forgiving them is a step toward healing.

      I don’t think that I’ve ever allowed myself to see all of the forces that were in play on the night of this event. As for my uncles, my offense is cultural. We are Jews and Jews of my Mother’s generation were held to a stricter standard. Even I know better than to leave an infant with a raging alcoholic, and I’m an apostate. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What a sad account, Robert. My family too was affected by murder, and that alone is so hard to accept and deal with, even when family is there to offer support. I’m so sorry that your mother’s brothers didn’t have the heart or grace to consider that she was a person despite her faults and that her children suffered and could use a dose of kindness. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right now I am feeling an anger that is essentially unreasonable and not based on what I know about the weaknesses in human nature. Her death was horrific. The circumstances that lead up to it anathema to most people from the upper middle class. She was a fallen woman. And yet, feeling this anger and letting go of it helped me to end a week of sitting in silence. I’ve been unable to do anything this week. So I am furious with my mother’s side of the family and at some point I will get over it; and thank them for the energizing rage I feel for them. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is terrible what happened to your mother, I’m so sorry to hear she died this way, and what happened afterward.

    This is just awful for anyone to go through. I don’t know what to say, except my condolences.

    I’m so, so, sorry this happened.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Juana. I wrote this to get past it. My thoughts are also with the family members of those who lost loved ones in our most recent preventable massacre. It’s one thing to lose a loved one to unforeseen circumstances. It’s quite another to lose a loved one to collective stupidity.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry that you had this to go thru. Even more that your uncles were anything but family. Unfortunately I know that feeling somewhat. I have not spoken to my “beloved siblings” since our father’s death. I hurt for you, and send you all the peace I can pull together.
    No matter what people may say, time does not heal all wounds.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Marcus. I know that you understand. It is odd, the similarities in survivors. I think that if there had been another male survivor in my Kaiser group I would not have left. I appreciate you kindness.

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    1. Thank you. I posted this because it had become a sticking point this year. I don’t know how to explain it except to say that this year it hit me hard; so hard that I felt frozen emotionally and was unable to even concentrate. I appreciate your words. I never have direct feelings so I don’t really know how this will affect other people. I don’t want anyone else to feel this pain.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad you were able to release it, Robert. It needed to leave your soul so you could walk a little lighter. It’s a profound and heart wrenching story.

        Liked by 1 person

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