Blogging While Dissociated

Stigma is a prefabricated negative assessment of a class of people
based on lies.

Internalized stigma destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.

People who believe they are unworthy expect less and accept less.

Do I feel shame over my illness?

Sure.

But I don’t live there.

I remind myself that my culture has lied about people like me my entire life.

Everything it had to say about gay and bisexual men was a lie.

The only way to deal with institutional bullying is for the target to say no.

But it’s not enough to say no.

Before I move on to the point of this post I need to make the following disclaimers:

I don’t speak for everyone who has a dissociative disorder.

I am not an authority on dissociative disorders.

I don’t speak for everyone who has a mental illness.

I speak my mind without consideration for political affiliation.

I do not adhere to a political party or creed.

I don’t expect people to be perfect, but I do expect them to practice
what they preach.

If you are a Republican or Democrat who places your duty as a citizen above political party and religious dogma you have my complete support.

And to all of the no nothing skeptics who think they have the right to judge me I make the following statement:

You are not required to believe I exist; I do exist and I’m not shy about it.

People Like Me
The Narrator and Mateo

My subjective experience of DID is simply that of losing time and memory.

My first response to any gap in memory is to try to fill it in with what I think may have happened.

This sometimes makes it look like I’m lying, but it’s really trying to fill the
missing time.

This may be more obvious on social networks than in daily life.

The people in my daily life respond to the alters but don’t call them by name.

Bobby had a chat this morning with the landlady.

She enjoys his sense of play.

The alters come and go without being noticed by people who don’t live with me; they never announce themselves and they all think of themselves as the “real” me.

All parts of me are loyal and all parts of me remember people who treat
them well.

I don’t have alternates that secretly troll, hack or seek to hurt other people.

In fact, my alternates will unite out of love for someone.

I recall a set of interesting questions I got when I won a Leibster award in 2014.

Here is how I would answer some of those questions today.

Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging in the fall of 2013. I tried to blog for a few weeks but didn’t have the focus or confidence, so I shut down the blog.

In the fall of 2014 I discovered a network of mental health advocates on WordPress. Reading their blogs  gave me a sense of focus; in September of 2014 I re-opened the blog with The Chat.

I blog as a way to communicate with my therapist, but I know that publicly documenting a process so personal is a political act.

What has surprised you most about blogging?

That people support me and read my blog. I know I’m not a power blogger but I’m pleased that so many people read me so consistently.

What one thing would you change about your current life?

I want to have better symptom management skills.

What is one special thing from your childhood that you treasure?

My memories of my Grandmother.

What is one of your favorite things to do and why?

It depends.

My alternates have their own focus. Mateo likes to build computers, Bobby likes to listen to music, Matthew is interested in religion, and I am interested in politics.

Most of my political stance is based on life experience.

I consider it cowardly to be silent about economic and social policies that are designed to destroy people.

I think of my mind as proof of the human spirit.

It’s a quantum mind with different versions of me living
on separate timelines.

It offends me that HMO’s treat the brain like a second-rate organ.

I am a man of faith but I don’t believe in organized religion.

Our species has the gift of reason and when we use it we can see the mysterious.

Albert Einstein said;

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead —his eyes are closed. The insight into the mystery of life, coupled though it be with fear, has also given rise to religion. To know what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their most primitive forms—this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness.”

Albert Einstein, Living Philosophies

That is one of the most spiritual comments I’ve read.

Look at evidence of the Quantum Universe and understand that what we call God is everywhere.

We may exist only because only because we think we do.

That doesn’t make our lives less sacred or meaningful.

A digital portrait of a dissociative alternate named Bobby. The photo was taken by a different alternate named Mateo
Portrait of Bobby, 2012 – signed by Mateo before we started using a common name.

 

(c) Rob Goldstein (c) 2015 All Rights Reserved.

First posted May, 31, 2015

MRI Scan in the header from Wiki Commons

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30 thoughts on “Blogging While Dissociated

  1. It is a relief to know that your alternates aren’t in any way working against you. I’ve seen documentaries about some people with DID that really struggled with one or more that did.

    I know that my writing is different than yours in many ways, but I share a lot of the truths and feelings you expressed in this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. To be clear, I don’t have alternates that hurt and abuse other people but I do have alternates that sabotage me. I don’t know how intentional it is. I have at least two who are in complete denial about the DID. And when they were trying to use VR to live separate lives life was unlivable. We are all unique. Thank you for the visit and the comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the way your passion comes through in this post; and how you back your passion up with reason. I also think that you writing this blog is a political act, because mental illness isn’t something people are supposed to publicly talk about. So by documenting your experiences on this blog you’re helping to break down some of that stigma.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So much in here I can relate to.
    ‘It offends me that HMO’s treat the brain like a second-rate organ’ — that’s IF they treat it at all. I’m beginning to question their definition of “treat”. To me, to treat something is not to cover it with drugs and pretend it’s not there … so maybe they don’t treat anything at all ….
    ‘I am a man of faith but I don’t believe in organized religion.’ — yep I can definitely jump on that one.
    ‘publicly documenting a process so personal is a political act’ — now THIS I haven’t considered before. Statements like this remind me I am doing a very public thing by blogging at all … I hate being seen. It’s too easy for people to see my worth … or lack thereof …

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s natural to hate being seen. This is a common theme among abuse survivors. I personally don’t assess other people’s blogs for personal worthiness. I think we’re all worthy and to some people I may have something of importance to say and for others I’m a total clown…I think so much of how we think of ourselves and others depends of the context of the moment.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. can you be a clown that has things of importance to say? I’m with you – a rare moment – I connect with this post so much. I am glad you shared it.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I used to have a close friend who has a major dissociative disorder. his life was a life of ‘not good days’….. at least he was getting some excellent help with a therapist.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Depression is extremely difficult to live with, especially if it’s med resistant.

      Depression is also amenable to DBT…should you ever meet someone who wants a treatment that focuses on practical coping skills. I don’t think it’s a replacement for therapy; but it can help.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I must apologize. I misread you. I read dissociation as depression which says alot about how I’m doing these days. What I said about DBT really holds to for DID.

        Your friend has rights; the question is whether he is well enough to avail himself of those rights. This is where people in the community might be able to step in to help him find someone who can help him to access services.

        There might be a non-profit in your town that provides an access point to public health services–or federally subsidized non profits.

        Like

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