This was published a few days ago as La-De-Da etc; a title I despised.
I’m posting out of sync with myself which means I have to go back and
revise things after they’re live; my apologies for the confusion.
(Lights up; we are aboard the Starship Enterprise.)
Eddie Albert: When I agreed to Green Acres, I said to the writers, no livestock; well they paid no attention and wouldn’t ya know the first thing they did-
Eva Gabor: Dahling, you promised not to trash Arnold.
Batman: Was it 1968–or 69 (Laugh track) when Playboy published that filthy article about the homoerotic implications of my relationship with Dick? As if I would subject little Dick Grayson to a bat-grope!
Eddie Albert: In the very first script was a pig that was smarter than me! Not only was it smarter; that pig was loved!
Eva Gabor: I love you Oliver. (Laugh Track)
Eddie Albert: Lisa, it’s not the same!
Eva Gabor: How is it different Dahling?
Robin: At first I was clumsy on the bat pole (laugh track) but after a few lessons I was ready to jump that stick all day! (Laugh Track)
Batman: Now cut that out! (Laugh track)
Robin: Horny Norwegian wood, Batman! What’d I say? (Pause) So, I arrive at Wayne Manor and Bruce gives me a cape!
Batman: Not any old cape, Robin!
Robin: That’s right, Batman! It was cute and yellow and stopped just short of my tight but straight little butt! (Laugh Track)
Eddie Albert: That pig was not only smarter than me! He made more money! Just thinking about it makes me–
Eva Gabor: Let’s go to Rome, Dahling.
Eva Gabor: We don’t have that kind of money, Lisa. For God’s sake, look at this ship!
Eva Gabor: Ve can go back to Manhattan, Dahling. You can practice law.
(Enter Arnold the Pig.)
Robin: (stunned by Arnold) Holy heart failure, Batman!
Arnold the Pig: GRUNT!
Eva Gabor: (To Arnold) He didn’t get his hotscakes this morning and he’s a perfect beast, no offense, dahling.
Arnold the Pig: (leaps onto a chair and looks up at Eva.) GRUNT!
Eva Gabor: There Dahling. (Eva switches on a television and we hear the five beat introduction to Green Acres. Eva suddenly notices Batman and Robin.) Who are you? (To Eddie Albert) Olivah? Who are zey?
Eddie Albert: Say, are you fellows gay? These are the 60’s. You can’t wear tights until the 80’s.
Batman: Now hold on!
Robin: Holy harshin, Mr. Douglas!
Eva Gabor: They look like such nice boys! Do stay and have some hotscakes!
Batman: (With a slight Southern drawl) We’d like to Mrs. Douglas, but we got to get Arnold home and dressed in time for the weddin’.
Eddie Arnold: Weddin’? WHAT WEDDIN’?
Arnold the Pig: (Jumps up and saunters over to Batman) GRUNT?
Eva Gabor: Arnold’s getting married to Jethrine up in Oxford. (Eva flirts with Batman and Robin) Those capes are darling, Olivah, why don’t you wear a cape?
Eddie Albert: I’m not gay, Lisa.
Eva Gabor: Are you sure, dahling?
Robin: Well, we’ll be seeinya Mrs. Douglas. C’mon Arnold.
Arnold the Pig. (To Eddie Albert) HA! – GRUNT!
(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved
The Attack of the Hank Kimballs
The Hank Kimballs: Gee Mr. Douglas–resistance is futile. Well maybe not futile…more like frustrating…or at least difficult. I would say more than difficult but less than frustrating but not so frustrating as to be futile–say! Maybe resistance IS futile.