Warning: This post discusses adult themes in an admittedly childish way.
(Lights up. An Empty stage; enter Fred Flintstone)
Fred: When Wilma got pregnant, I worried. I wondered if we were ready for a kid so soon after Wilma’s ECT. I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to go to Frost Bite Falls for an abortion.
(Laugh Track)
Wilma: (off stage) Fred? Fred? Is that you?
Fred: Here, honey!
(Enter Wilma)
Wilma: Oh Fred! Why are you so late! (Wilma bursts into tears.)
(Laugh Track)
Fred: Gee honey, the boss kept me late.
Wilma: (sobs) I sometimes think I should have an abortion!
Fred: Oh honey; don’t talk like that. What would Betty think?
Wilma: Oh, who cares what Betty thinks! (sobs) She’s not under a
contract to have to have a baby!
(Laugh Track)
(The doorbell rings. Enter Mr. Ed)
Mr. Ed: I was just at a meetin’ wit da Mattel’s an deys wanna know if the kid’ll be baked by Christmas!
(Laugh Track)
Wilma: Who the fuck are you?
(Laugh Track)
Mr. Ed: (To Fred) You gotta live wid this?
(Laugh Track)
(Enter Betty Rubble)
Betty: Hi Wilma? Fred? Who’s the Horse? Hubba, hubba!
Wilma: Hi Betty. This horsey works for the Mattel’s!
Mr. Ed: (to Betty) Mr. Ed is my name an makin’ pretty ladies is my game!
Betty: Pleased t’ meetcha! I sure hope you folks can cash in with Bam-Bam!
(Laugh Track)
(Lights Out. We hear the voices of Batman and Robin)
Robin: Holy stegosaurus, Batman! Ya really think you smell trouble?
Batman: Think young friend: does a horse shit in a meadow?
(Lights up: Betty and Wilma are locked in a kiss
Robin: Tsk. I am so OVER gratuitous lesbianism; I mean the way the writers slip it into everything these days!
Batman: Oh, SPLACK!
Mr. Ed: Cool yer chops Batty boy!
Robin: (To Mr. Ed.) And MUFF!
Mr. Ed: And tell lover bird to stop chirpin!
Batman: (Hands on hips) He’s NOT my lover!
Wilma: Oh, pish-posh!
Betty: That’s telling him, Wilma!
(Laugh Track)
(Enter Eva Gabor; she spots Mr. Ed and points with recognition)
Eva Gabor: I know you!
Batman: I bet you do, lady!
Eva Gabor: That’s precisely what I mean!
(Enter Eddy Albert)
Eddy Albert: What is you mean precisely?
Batman: Precisely?
Eddy Albert: Precisely!
Eva Gabor: Why precisely do you ask, Olivah?
Betty: (To Wilma) Oh Wilma! Aren’t Heterosexuals the most boring! Let’s get outta here!
Wilma: I’m with you Betty! Let’s have an abortion!
Betty and Wilma in unison: Da-da da da de da! Charrrge it! (They exit)
Batman: Our work here is done, Robin.
Robin: Right, Batman! (They exit with a swish of their capes)
(Enter Fred Ziffel)
Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas! Arnold’s feelin’ mighty sick! I’d sure appreciate it if you’d come over and take a look at him!
Eddie Albert: I’m a lawyer, not a doctor.
Eva Gabor: You can help him make out his vill, dahling!
Eddie Albert: Oh, All Right! (Mr. Ziffel and Eva Gabor exit with Eddie Albert)
(Pause)
Fred Flintstone: (Looks at Mr. Ed and shrugs) I guess it’s time for me to take out the cat. (Fred Flintstone exits. Mr. Ed alone on the stage)
(Enter Wilber Post)
Wilber Post: There you are, Ed. I looked all over New York for you! I even called the police!
Mr. Ed: Well ya found me, Wilber. Ya got any of that hay left over from Thanksgiving?
Wilber Post: Sure Do!
(Wilbur post leads Mr. Ed off stage. As the lights dim to black the laugh track builds to a roar)
End
(c) Rob Goldstein 12/86 – 12/2017 All Graphics (c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved
Hi gang, you have me in stitches, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.
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I’m glad you like it. I have more like this.
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It caught my attention, and made me laugh. A good blog post 😉
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It even made me think a bit 😀
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I didn’t see it’s point until I began to edit it. Thanks for telling me because I wondered if I was imagining one. LOL!
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Thanks! It has to be that too!
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Haha! Great!
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I’m glad you read this. I wondered if you’d like it after I read your piece.
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OMG, the gratuitous lesbianism thing made me LOL! I’m likin these, you can keep going! 🙂
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I’m so glad to see your comment. I really worried that this might cross a line which I know it does but in a way I didn’t want if that makes sense. I’m still a bit delirious or more delirious that usual.
There’s more of these.
These are not written for performance. I wanted to write a theatrical event for the mind. It that sense it’s more like poetry
that theater.
I’ve got a binder full of these–In many ways I was writing ahead of myself.
Which is my rambling way of saying thank you! I’m glad you laughed.
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I love them, I really do. I agree it’s poetic in nature, I can very clearly see the lines that come naturally and some of them are absolutely inspired. I look forward to more of them 🙂
I don’t offend easily at all.
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Thanks Joey. Switching Stations is the first of many in series vignettes. It’s taken me years to figure out what they are. It’s really all about the language and you picked up on that. In retrospect This kind of feedback is crucial. Thanks!
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Oh my pleasure!
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Made me laugh – especially the gratuitous lesbianism line.
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I’m glad Mary. It seems that the central punch line works. That’s two votes for gratuitous lesbianism!
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Now that would make for an interesting cartoon!
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Thanks Malcolm!
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Well done, Rob. Those characters…lots of memories.
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HA!
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