Portrait of an avatar posed to illustrate a dissociative alternate named Bobby

Dissociative Identity Disorder: Isolation and the Fear of Rejection

The internet truly does free the creative

I hear that my blog is interesting, creative,
provocative, and sometimes full of shit.

I’m OK with that.

I’m OK with rejections of my disembodied
selves and their ideas.

I like the idea of meeting with other bloggers
but dread the thought of doing it.

I’ve seen video of other patients with DID.

What does my DID look like in real-time?

How young do I act when Bobby is out; and how
feminine is my behavior when Sara is out?

Portrait of an avatar posed to illustrate a dissociative alternate named Sara
Sara, 2017

In real-time, people don’t see the idea.

Before my symptoms worsened in 2011, I enjoyed
giving parties; I had a large circle of friends: people
with whom I shared ideas.

Six years later, I am almost completely isolated;
I see my partner and my therapist.

I discuss the isolation in therapy and my therapist
and I agree that I need to do something about it.

But I don’t.

I stopped going to ‘therapy’ groups at Kaiser because
I felt laughed at and disbelieved.

Rejection is more painful and humiliating when you
see it in someone’s eyes.

Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

59 thoughts on “Dissociative Identity Disorder: Isolation and the Fear of Rejection

  1. I feel you. I understand this. While not DID, I have bipolar with a sprinkle of schizophrenia/OCD and a large serving of depression. It helps, the isolation does, in my case. Feels like I don’t have to explain myself to others, and feels like I don’t have to be in that position where others make fun at my expense. It sucks, sometimes.
    How are you, of late?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand the relief of not having to worry about saying or doing something strange. I’m still recovering from a flu — which means I’m mostly recovered physically but colds and flues mess with my mood and ability to concentrate. Other than that, I’m fine and grateful. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your pain pains me.
    My husband and I have long discussed isolation, which is 99% self-imposed, but still, at times, bewildering.
    The people of WP are so kind, so accepting, so generous with love, I often feel the world outside it is barren. True story.
    At least, at the very minimum, (if you’re full of shit) the shit you write touches my soul, and that is no small thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve concluded that the post about the pain of stigma.

      When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t know how ill I was. I thought I was OK to go to parties and meet
      up with old friends. It was a disaster. I was switching and that must have frightened people who knew me
      as a healthy take-charge man. I worked in mental health and people who lose it are scary. Former co-workers stopped returning calls and I stopped calling. My background in mental health has also colored all of my interactions with treatment providers. It’s almost as if they believed that a person has to be ignorant to
      have a mental illness.

      In the final analyses, it’s about fear. Their fears became mine. Maybe that’s the root of all

      Thank you so much for this comment and for your support.

      If what I write opens a mind or gives someone hopes then it’s all good.

      Happy New Year, Joey!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. When I’m feeling dejected I remind myself that I have a home and people who love me. There are more homeless people than ever in San Francisco; I pray that I am never in a position to be deprived of everything that makes us human and left to die of hunger and exposure in a city bursting with wealth.

        Thank you for the re-blog and comment. I hope you had a good new Year!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I had a low key New Year too. My partner got sick with the flu while he was at his Mother’s so he’s been gone for almost a month. I’ve been sick with this flu for almost four weeks. It comes and goes as it goes. And in the States 2018 is just more of 2017 with the added frustration of knowing with certainty that our President is a Russian tool. It’s just bad times in the U.S. right now.


      3. I am sorry for you – that flu is vicious it kept me in bed for a week. We have our annual flu injection, however it didn’t cover this new strain which jumped out of thin air. From our vantage point in Australia we have realised that Trump is a Russian tool.
        My brother lives in not far from New York – y, he is a professor in comparative Religion and a Wesleyan Pastor. He send news of the state of the States via Facebook- Not good.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Why i asked when I was suffering from anxiety and depression, I would walk in to a room and sense everyone was looking at me or talking about me i found it very unnerving. A very Happy New Year to you and your loved ones!

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Feeling understood is such an important key to all the steps we do or don’t! I am glad you have your partner and also our blogging family. You know, you are an appreciated and honored member! We cannot make everybody happy and we cannot make everybody like us… and we don’t need to! We are who we are and if we stand tall for who we are then we will gather the people who make us stand even taller to who we are!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I can relate to it so well! I felt like an alien for decades.
        I am proud too, Robert! Thanks to the internet, today even more like-minded souls can meet 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  4. The main thing is understanding and Accepting oneself…ignore the rest…We need to be as happy as we can be in the only life we seem to have. Blogging is great. I enjoy your words and your creations tons.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wrong use of word. Normalize yes absolutely . I didn’t want my experiences or comment to diminish or take away something that I don’t (think) I have ;). lol sorry

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Rob, I don’t have DID- I do have a fixed ides of what I think people think about me. Maybe we are our harshest critics. The problem with people is the lack of insight and lack of wanting to learn or understand others. I’m not trying to normalise your DID and how it feels for you. I do want to say that from the time I started blogging on WordPress-I couldn’t beleive there were so many people who seemed to have similar worries, thoughts, ideas, interests, troubles, dreams. etc..

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Please normalize my DID.

      It helps when people understand dissociation is a normal.

      People do it for pleasure when they lose themselves in a book or movie
      or use an avatar in VR.
      I’m always running into people online who have the same diagnosis and
      it’s comforting to see how much we have in common.

      Thanks for the visit and comment. I’ve been meaning to visit your blog.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s weird that you mention how normal it is to dissociate. I have done it from a young age. I usedmake up characters and talk to myself etc.. I’ve channeled it into my writing. The weirdest thing is my 6 year old daughter does the same thing. She goes into a dream state and has the same mannerisms etc… It’s scary and fascinating at the same time. I want to channel her imagination in a positive direction.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’ve just described why DID doesn’t happen to adults. A child can take a lump of inanimate plastic and turn it into a living extension of her identity.

        I used to tuck my GI Joe in at night, much to his chagrin.


      3. Hi Robert whoever said it wasn’t normal to be an absolutely wonderful person who DID everything he could, with god’s help to help the pain of others – Andrew Bipolar Affective disorder – I am real BAD

        Liked by 2 people

      4. You know, I’m complaining about being weird in a country that IS STILL trying to normalize a government lead by a pathological liar and possible traitor.

        I’m normal enough to know that risking a nuclear attack because you need to be right no matter how wrong you are is crazy.

        It’s crazier than I’ll ever be!

        Thanks for the comment! I hope you had a great New Year!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I hope you are feeling a little more comfortable getting to know your blogger fellows and others. It is a shame that you or anyone should feel uncomfortable discussing their feelings, disorders, illnesses, or opinions. We are each other’s teachers with much to offer one another. I’m emjoying your blog and I hope to see more. Many blessings to you and be well😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m very comfortable with my friends online.

      In fact, WordPress and other text based social media is liberating because
      my switches go unnoticed. It’s in real-time that problems surface.

      When people ask me if I know how old I am, I know Bobby was out.

      Thank you for leaving a comment!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I understand and what’s interesting is that I used to be uncomfortable with any interaction, in-person or online. I’ve come a long way, but it’s always a work in progress. I’m not sure if in-person interactions are difficult because I feel like I’m being judged and my own insecurities?? Either way, I’m getting there!

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Some of the discomfort may be related to the normal erosion of social skill caused by isolation. One forgets that conversations have a pace of listening and speaking, one forgets not to blurt out everything that comes to mind, that a pleasant afternoon over coffee is an SOC challenge. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I am not sure that I act my age, I mean I don’t know how a 64 year old is supposed to act. I am me however my bipolar has me behave, sometimes mature. At other times childish, dissociated from reality…etc

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I know how old I am chronologically and I sometimes see an old face in the mirror, which I understand intellectually, is my face, but that face and those numbers have nothing to do with me: Rob Goldstein will always be thirty.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thirty is a good age to be. Is there particular significants regarding 30? I
        am surprised when I look in the mirror, I Don’t feel as old as I look, When I speak with really young adults I always have the illusion that I look as young as they do.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. This is such a heartfelt piece of writing, Rob. I hope you will find a way to become less isolated in the coming year. And maybe you are seeing rejection which isn’t actually there but you feel it is. Wish I could help.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Mary and you do help. I’ll go for a moment of complete honesty and tell you how much I admire your skill as a writer.

      The solution is for me to be as integrated as I was when I was working.

      A week before I resigned my Assistant looked at me and said, “I don’t know who you are but not the
      Matt I know.”

      I was horrified.

      When Bobby comes out online to tell one of his stories, the reader can imagine a 17 year old.

      That’s not what happens in real-time.

      In real time, people ask in a tone of accusation, “Do you know how old you are?”

      It’s a disturbing question because the answer is no, not emotionally.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thanks for saying you like my writing. That means a lot. It’s strange how age – and ‘acting your age’ – seems to matter so much to society. When I was a reporter on a local paper I was always being told off by the editor because I hadn’t asked a person’s age, which was always included in a a story – whether the person had won the lottery or published a book or was complaining about the potholes in the road. I forgot to ask because I didn’t see that it was relevant. I know this is off the point but what you said about Bobby and not knowing what age you are emotionally kind of triggered the train of thought.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Much of what we consider ‘age appropriate’ is set by peer pressure. My grandmother used to say ‘age is an incident.’

        This is coming up for because I’m well enough to want to return to the world–I have more years of work left in me and I enjoy working.
        Some of this fear is more about the pain of trying and failing.

        Thanks for that comment Mary. It wasn’t off topic. it placed it in a different context.

        Happy New Year, Mary!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m not dealing with your disorder, Rob, but I understand the concept of isolation. It seems to happen to many of us for a variety of reasons. Meeting bloggers is really a delight, there is so much compassion and warmth here on WP, where we are free to display a bit of our true spirit. I hope to get to do it more often. Happy New Year to you.

    Liked by 3 people

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