Switching Stations: All Floppy

Our characters this evening are Eva Gabor and Inspector Eric Vornoff, 

Prologue

On a distant planet millions of silicone based life forms rise to make their giddy way to Los Angeles where they land as an innocent looking layer of dust.

Our scene opens with a wide-angle shot of an understated Hollywood
Hamlet.

Torches light the way to gilded doors guarded by brass gargoyles.

As the doors open we see a horribly mutilated corpse, face down
beneath an ornate rug.

Enter Inspector Eric Vornoff:

Inspector Vornoff:  By the Gods, it’s time you knew the truth of the events that transpired here without you knowing!  Indeed, who knew silicone would lead to the horror face down before you on the floor.

(Enter Eva)

Eva: More tea, Inspector Vornoff? (She stifles a laugh)

Inspector Vornoff: By the Gods woman! Yes!

Eva: Darjeeling is good for character confusion, darling.

Inspector Vornoff: Character confusion?

Eva: You are not playing Hercules, Darling. (She offers him tea) Drink this:
it’s made from the teabag of identity.

(Inspector Vornoff drinks the tea and blinks. Then he reaches into his
trench coat and for a notebook and pen)

Inspector Vornoff: Your cheeks, when did they go all floppy?

Eva: Last night I heard an explosion followed by the sound of plonging.

Inspector Vornoff: Plonging?

Eva: You know darling, like when your toilet is clogged, you plonge it

Inspector Vornoff: I see, (He jots this down in his notebook) continue.

Eva: I went back to sleep and when I awoke my cheeks were floppy
and this horribly mutilated corpse was on the floor.

Inspector Vornoff: Who is this horribly mutilated corpse?

Eva: It’s Porcelain, the maid.

Inspector Vornoff: And now my dear, I must ask you a personal question.

Eva: I won’t have sex with you!

(Inspector Vornoff rolls his eyes)

Inspector Vornoff: Is your face…natural?

Eva: Define natural, darling.

Inspector Vornoff: Were you born with it.

Eva: (snorts) No one is born with a face full of rocks!

(Extreme close up: Inspector Vornoff)

Inspector Vornoff: So you see dear friends. (Pan to corpse) A corpse with no bounce and no shine, and a woman without mass. It all has a terrible consistency, a diabolical design–

Eva: Aliens shucked my face.

Inspector Vornoff: Aliens shucked your face?

Eva: For the rocks, darling. (Eva bobby pins her cheeks to her hairline) It’s too sad.

(Enter the Hysterical Man)

The Hysterical Man: Are you Hercules?

Inspector Vornoff: Maybe yes, maybe no.

The Hysterical Man: (hysterically) I was rehearsing in the back of my limo, I have the lead in the Johnny Weissmuller story; it’s a fabulous opportunity! As I was reading the soliloquy, I heard a strange sound.

Eva: An explosion?

The Hysterical Man: Yes! And a plonger!

Inspector Vornoff: What happened?

The Hysterical Man (sobs) My chest is gone!

Inspector Vornoff: Let me see.

The Hysterical Man: (reluctantly opens his shirt)

Inspector Vornoff: By the Gods!

Eva: (offers the The Hysterical Man a few bobby pins): Do  something
with those nipples, darling!

Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

A short tribute to the humor of the Firesign Theater, The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) and Ed Wood’s Bride of the Monster as covered by MST3K.