I’ve re-written this poem since first posting
so I’ll post both versions.
This is the re-write:
The Screen
There is a screen between us, semi-opaque;
it filters our lives.
What you see is what I’m not and what I see
is not what you imagine.
Now you are the romantic, slipping into his
drugs, as I slither on your lap, flushed with
shame: for this, I win the crown.
We are a little Miss America, lost on her stroll
down the aisle.
We are the innocent little darling who forgets
to look harmless.
The first post:
The Screen
There is a screen between us, semi-opaque; it
filters our lives.
What you see is who I want to be and what I
see is not what you imagine.
Now you are the romantic; weeping into his drugs,
while I dance on the table, flushed with shame, for
this, I win a crown.
We are a little Miss America, lost on her stroll
down the aisle.
We are the little darling who forgot to
look harmless.
(c) Rob Goldstein 2016-2018 All Rights Reserved
I like both versions, Robert, but the rewrite is my favorite. Strong writing, imagery, and painful loneliness despite the relationship.
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I agree with you Diana. As I heal my understanding of language improves. It’s an exciting time. I appreciate your comment.
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They each leave me with a similar yet different feeling.
I do love your writing in all versions
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Thank you for reading the post and leaving a comment. They look like two different poems to me.
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Me too
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No pressure, but if you can tell me how they are different for you I’d love it.
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Oh i would LOVE that. Let me reread them when I have silence and I will give feedback.
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Great. I really appreciate that kind of criticism. Constructive criticism is so important.
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I wrote notes. I wrote what feelings were evoked on each poem.
Poem 1.
Abuse
Lies
Prostitution
Betrayal
Loss of innocence
Truth of life
Hatred of deception
Poem 2.
Sadness
Defeated
Need for revenge, vengeance, redemption, justice
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Wow! They’re two different poems. This is great! Thank you so much!
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Very much so I thought. I love reading poetry and seeing where it leads my own feelings and your two took me down two separate paths.
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I’m glad to read it. Thank you for giving me the critique.
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It was just how it made me feel. I guess applied to my own life if I were to put myself in the poem.
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I feel the best poetry can mean somthing different to each reader as they allow themselves to feel it and apply their own emotions and maybe even their own experience. I will read something that I see someone else has commented on as inspirational and yet I will have found it to be depressing. But the poem is still fantastic it just evoked a different feeling in me.
My husband read a poem I wrote about a raindrop and had no idea what the end meant. It could mean something different for each person reading it!
For me it meant I had switched for looking at the world to looking at my inner self.
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Stunning writing bubbling up from within you so often…full of admiration.
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Thank you Paula. You’re no slouch when it comes to producing stunning work.
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That last line is a killer! Well done!
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Thank you! I’ve just finished completely revising the thing so I’ve left of both versions.
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Reblogged this on Die Erste Eslarner Zeitung – Aus und über Eslarn, sowie die bayerisch-tschechische Region!.
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Thank you for reblogging!
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Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.
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I hope your year has started off well Rob! Be well sir. 🙂
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Thank you, OM. It’s good to see you! And Happy New Year!
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Thanks Rob! I’ll always be around. 😄
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That’s comforting. WordPress without you isn’t wordpress. 🙂
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I may be silent this year. But I’m not dead. 🙂
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I can see that you’ve been busy.
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Well bud. Life moves.
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Always.
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