Something brilliant from House of Heart
Tonight’s Cast of Characters:
John Steed as Captain Mach 10
Zsa Zsa Gabor as Leesa
Newt Gingrich as Queen Stretchmark I
Sean Hannity as Simp the Oracle
Clint Eastwood as Gore Vidal and
Gomer Pye U.S.M.C. as Aryan #5
Stardate 90210.1. Dear Diary, the Chachka entered the arousing Areola Nebula at 0.100 and now we are trapped in a rope of unknown origin. I’ve ordered First Mate Leesa to steady the helm: she does her best:
Leesa: The ship won’t steer, dah-ling!
Mach Ten: What kind of rope is this?
Leesa: Humidity reads high, dah-ling!
Mach Ten: So sheer! So snug! Change course 32º mark nine zero two one zero!
Leesa: Course changed 32º mark nine zero two one zero, dah-ling.
(A horn blares followed by the sound of a crash. Leesa and Mach Ten reel from one side of the ship to the other. All goes quiet; we see Leesa’s breasts followed by a wide-angle shot of the Chachka’s interior. The decor is Chinese modern with a great big Chinese coffee table to accent a huge coral sofa with bright green cushions. The helm is really just an alcove with a curved wall.)
Leesa: (tugs the hem of her uniform) Humidity reads normal, dah-ling.
Mach Ten: (Opens a quadraphonic space-map.) Where in the Areola are we?
Leesa: (Her beauty is unperturbed) Let me see, Dah-ling. (She pours herself over the map) I think we are in the Rayon Belt.
(The ship is suddenly filled with the sound of screeching feedback followed by the amplified voice of Queen Stretch Mark I.)
Queen Stretchmark I: FEDERATION PRUDES! YOU HAVE WANDERED INTO MY LATEX FIELDS! YOU ARE ENMESHED! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! A HIGHLY TRAINED ARYAN SLAVE BOY WHOSE SMOOTH LEGS AND BULGING JUNK IS READILY VISIBLE IN HIS RED TIGHTY WHITIES WILL BE BOARD YOUR SHIP TO ACCEPT YOUR UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER.
Mach Ten: (Shaking his fist) YOU LIBERTINE TYRANT!
Queen Stretchmark I: YOU AMUSE ME CAPTAIN. I HAVE HEARD MUCH ABOUT THE PERSNICKETY MACH TEN AND HIS CONFLICTED SEXUALITY. ENOUGH! YOU
WILL BE BROUGHT TO THE SHEER SURFACE OF MY LATEX PLANET.
Leesa: I’ve always been a bit bi-curious about this Queen, Dah-ling.
Mach Ten: She’s seductive and deadly. We’d best do as she says
(Chimes. Aryan#5 appears on deck.)
Mach Ten: Oh the pain, the pain…
(Petroleum waves crash onto a Lycra shore. White spandex clouds drift above a rubber mountain. Cut to the Queens Throne room. Snow white carpets make a stunning background for pie-crust tables. Corner cabinets, all chiseled out and painted a lovely pink show off wedge wood and Chinese things. There are couches with deep soft cushions in which one can curl up and get lost. To the Queen’s left is Simp the Oracle; to her right is Gore Vidal. both men wear nothing but bicycle tights. Enter Aryan#5 with Leesa; an arm laced behind her back, a lock of blond hair lingers on her forehead to suggest a struggle.)
Aryan #5: Howdy ur Haighness!
Queen Stretchmark I: Where is the male?
Aryan #5: He’s a feisty little feller–
Leesa: No! Oh Pleaze, dahling! These silk cords, they feel so tight!
Queen Stretchmark I: Silence! Why have you come to my planet?
Leesa: You trapped us in a huge pair of cheap intergalactic stockings
and brought us here you silly old queen!
Queen: Ha! You’ve come to bring reason to my planet! Reason kills!
Leesa: Getta clue, dahling! We’re the most unreasonable species in
(Simp the Oracle giggles and winks at Leesa; Leesa winks back)
Gore Vidal: My dear, I think you were snagged on a run in the hosiery of time.
Leesa: (Rolls her eyes) Thank you for stealing my line!
Queen Stretchmark I: Call the male!
Aryan #5: Su-prise, su-prise, su-prise!
Queen Stretchmark I: (In a determined whisper) He’ll play dress up! I’ll make him!
To be continued….
Next week on ‘Mach Ten’:
Mach Ten: How is it you people speak English?
Aryan 24: We’re so smart ur species little pea pickin’ brains couldn’t understand
us so’s when the Queen got here we scanned his brain and saw what was in it.
Mr. Haney: What you see is what you think, Mr. Mach Ten! Hey! Can ah interest you
in a book?
(c) Rob Goldstein 2018 All Rights Reserved