I take the pills and go numb.
I drift across the day room and settle on a couch in front of the
Lucy and Ricky slug it out in the gender wars of the 1950’s.
“I juss wan’ choo to be ma wife, Loosy.” Ricky croons; and so she
is, with all the weaponized femininity she can muster.
My doctor arrives.
He’s an arrogant middle class macho who tells me I define
myself by pain; that I just lost two friends to a virus killing
everyone I know is incidental.
No one in his world is grieving the death of fags.
In his world, fags are cautionary tales on the evening news: this is
what happens to perverts.
“You moof from walla pain to walla pain,” he says, with a vaguely
I want to shove my fist through his skull, but I widen my eyes and
agree like a good little Lucy about to put the hit on Ricky for a new
I’ll be whatever he says I am; I just want to get out of here.
I will suck up to the staff like a five-year old who’s discovered he’s cute.
The staff will like my mind, it’s smart enough to stop trying to make
I will swallow their pills and get fat on hetero-sexist sanity.
I will sit here, watch ‘I Love Lucy‘, and let them take my blood.
In 1986, HIV was spreading quickly; by the end of that year, 11,932 people, most of them gay and bisexual men, had died from AIDS.
Rob Goldstein (c) 2018 All Rights Reserved
Still shot from ‘I Love Lucy’ is in the public domain
Animated Gif found on GIPHY