
My best friend Kit was a bit of a twit before he got sick, but
he was brilliant and passionate about gay liberation.
Our friendship was based on mutual geekiness.
Kit tinkered with a Mac or a Tandy while I wrote poetry and
listened to Pattie Smith through my headphones.
It was the third year of the AIDS epidemic.
We sat over coffee at the Cafe Flore on a bright
Mediterranean day in San Francisco.
Kit opened his backpack and pulled out a small computer.
It looked like a large calculator.
Kit said that HIV had not infected all gay men.
He suspected that HIV was sexually transmitted, but at that
time no one was certain.
We both knew many men who had died and even more who were sick.
Kit wanted to know what they had in common.
He questioned a small sampling of men and now he questioned me.
I.V. Drugs?
I hate needles.
Acid?
I hate acid.
Poppers ?
They smell like dirty feet.
Alcohol?
I don’t drink.
Weed?
Yes, please.
Then Kit asked me about sex.
Most of it’s icky, I replied.
Kit turned the computer around and showed me a bell curve.
It peaked in the late 1980s and declined in the 1990’s.
Kit said that what looked like new infections were actually
old ones that had advanced to end stage AIDS.
He explained that the virus had already infected most of the men in our age group who were going to die and that as they died the cases in our age group would drop.
Kit said that I would live and he would die.
Two years later Kit was diagnosed with AIDS and two years after that he died.
Kit took his own life when AIDS took his eyesight.
He had survived three bouts of Pneumocystis.
The Kaposi’s lesions that covered his face and hands invaded
his internal organs.
The last time I saw Kit I took his hand and told him that I was
going to miss him.
He replied that he loved me so much he’d haunt me.
We laughed together one last time and said goodbye.
Kit had introduced me to Billie Holiday.
He said that she sang from her soul.
This song is for Kit:
Billie Holiday – I’ll Be Seeing You
Community Audio
I’ll always remember my first aids patient. The staff was scared of her. She got terrible care. I went in early one morning to bathe, feed her, wash her hair and clean her nails before my shift started. The nursing assistants just plunked her tray on the bed table and fled like she had the plague and didn’t offer her any care. She didn’t last long.
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Yeah. It was like that, Linda.
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Rob I’m an emotional bloke, and you’ve tugged all my heart strings this morning, a truly beautifully written tribute and a lovely song. I’ll send you a poem, Violin Strings, maybe I have before, but these days I can never remember.
https://ivors20.wordpress.com/2017/07/03/violin-strings/
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He was my best friend; one of the few people who knew how it felt to be odd in a queer world. 🙂
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so moving…so sad…so poignant.
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Kitt was a passionately political man in a community of men and women who were passionately committed to a vision of a
more perfect union, one that treated us like people.
I see the same passion in the movements rising up against Trump and his Russian ‘patron’.
This gives me hope that Kitt didn’t die in vain.
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So very beautiful 💞
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Thank you. I re-up this every year around the anniversary of his death.
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He’ll never be forgotten-makes it even more special, and him. And you. 🙂
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Thank you. You’re very kind. 🙂
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I’m so, so sorry Rob that you’ve lost not only Kit, but so many other friends as well. It sounds like he was quite a character and this is a beautiful tribute to him.🤗
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Thank you for your comment. We lost nearly a whole generation of gifted and courageous gay men.
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Dear Rob… I had a moment of confusion when I saw the dates on the comments. I see that Kit does haunt you and you celebrate his life every year. What a marvelous person to have known. Hugs on the wing, my friend.
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Thanks Teagan. I re-up this around the anniversary of his death. Thank you for your comment. He was brilliant. His calculations on that ancient Tandy were accurate.
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for all whom we have lost. We remember in various ways yet they are not here, the Roll of honour remembers them on the CandleLight vigil in Various places around Australia – every single name in that State. http://www.candlelight.org.au/
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Thank you. I will probably never stop grieving fiends lost to AIDS. All but a one of my peers died.
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Oh, Robert. This is so touching and written with such love. If he does indeed haunt you, I’m sure it is in the same loving way.
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Thank you for that comment. I’m glad you were able to feel his presence in the writing.
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The way you write…that’s not hard to do. 🙂
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Thank you…I’m honored…
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Tears, Rob. Thank you for spreading awareness through this beautiful tribute. I know Kit is pleased. All the very best to you my friend. xo
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Thank you so much…
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My pleasure, Rob 🙂
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Rob – you made me cry. Love Billie Holiday.
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That song by Billie Holiday is so touching. When I first composed this I cried and yesterday as I read and revised it I cried again. I think I gave a piece of my soul to this, I’m glad it touched yours. Thank you for reading it and leaving a comment..!
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A wonderful remembrance and tribute. It moves me in so many different ways.
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Thank you, Karen…I revised the memorial I wrote last year…I still expresses the love and the loss.
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Words are crowding at my fingertips, trying all together to be typed at once; can barely make sense of them. Kit sounds like he was one-in-million and then some. (((hugs))) My eyes are full of tears. Your words (and Billie’s music) tear my heart out. Tears, tears. Funny how words can look like one thing but be something else entirely. Like life, I guess.
I didn’t live this but am old enough to recall those years. My family lost 3 members in the devastation — cousins. One more remains. Luck, meds, genes, no idea why. What galls is the misinformation, the denial, the coverups, and all the socio-polictal-religious-whatever hypocrisy that made everything so much worse.
((((more hugs))))
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Most people don’t realize that there was a covert eugenics agenda at work in Reagan’s decision to ignore that AIDS epidemic. And it wasn’t just about gay…Thank you for you comment.
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Yes, I heard about that but not right away. Shameful doesn’t even come close to describing it! I’ll never understand how bigoted and hateful people can be. But at the time I was working in the pharmaceutical industry, where there were big debates (even at my low level in the organization) as to which choice was best for the industry: do research for drugs /cures (and maybe increase profits) or just “let the thing run its course and clean up society.” GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still p*sses me off. Sorry…you can delete this comment if you want. Your post was poignant d important, no need to include my anger and resentment. I just wanted to let it out.
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You’re anger and resentment are fine. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry at the calculating abuses of for profit medicine. It’s wrong to profit from pain and suffering, it’s wrong to perpetuate pain and suffering when you can relive both, and it’s wrong to rig the system so that people die from the passive aggression of doing nothing. I think the fact that you are angry about speaks well of you.
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Robert
Kit was way before his time and took sincere interest in effects of virus. The good times were good, memories to cherish forever. You know carry his torch with your advocacy work.
Kit is at peace no longer in pain. The best we can ask for anyone.
Hugs
M
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Thank you, forgive my tardy response; It looks like Iost a day or two. Yes, Kit was ahead of his time…I do treasure his memory just as I celebrated his decision when he decided it was time to go.
I hope that you are well.
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Not many has someone in your that impacts who you are at the core. You were blessed.
M
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Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.
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Such an evocative story.
Took me back to my clueless, awkward teen years, back to the Maplethorpe room at the Tate where I burst into tears, and brought forth new tears.
Beautiful. Thank you.
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I wept when I wrote this; I suppose it’s infused with tears.
Cleansing tears are the tears shared between people who may have nothing but their grief and humanity in common.
But isn’t that really all we need to understand and heal each other?
Thank you for visiting my blog and for leaving a comment.
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This time I too, wept, I have lost a few to HIV/Aids and reading this has me remember them again when perhaps the hurt would rather forget.
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There are many everyday heroes among the men we lost to AIDS.
People who decided to take a political stand that became central to the way they lived their lives.
There was no such thing as a part time gay activist; you were either out or you weren’t.
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Anytime my friend
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How are you doing Robert
I hope all is well
Sheldon
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I’m good–thank you for asking…:)
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So touching. Perhaps Billie’s vocal cords had precognition and were vibrating for the lost friends you mention. Thanks, Hugh, for reblogging this piece.
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This is one of those stories, that touch your heart, crack it and fill your eyes with tears.
Tragically beautiful story Rob.
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Thank you. It moved me to tears to write it.
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I bet it did my friend..
Best wishes to you.
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Reblogged this on barclaydave and commented:
Why did AIDS kill so many? Lovely story about Kit and the song by Lady Day says it all so beautifully. Check out the original blog please for more information.
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Thank you for your comment and re-blog.
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You’re welcome
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Beautiful and sad. And I also love Billie Holiday, who can easily bring me to tears too.
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Thank you for your visit and for reading the post.
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How can any comment I write do justice to your incredible post, Robert? It really can’t. Just know that I was so moved by what you have written and am thankful that Hugh posted the link so that I could find this.
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Thank you for reading my post. I am so glad he re-blogged it.
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What a beautiful peek into what our knowledge of AIDS was and is now. My heart is broken for this loss, beautifully written.
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Most people don’t understand that for at least the first five years of the epidemic no one knew where it came from or how it was transmitted.
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FYI please check my latest blog for your award!
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So much loss and heartbreak. Sad, sad story well written. ❤
Love, love Billie Holiday and this particular song especially.
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Thank you. This may sound spooky but I felt as if Kit selected the song.
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No, not spooky, but entirely possible. ❤
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Glad you said that. Thank you for reading it.
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You are welcome. 🙂
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I find it sad and maddening and monstrously unfair that what should be one of our greatest joys can kill us. For all the friends, lovers, and family that were lost because we just didn’t know…we remember you.
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We didn’t know; and if we had we’d have made different choices. No one saw it coming.
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Sad and moving. Thanks for this post, and thanks Hugh’s Views for alerting me to it 🙂
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Thank you for reading it…I’m glad he shared it; I hope I find more survivors by writing about it.
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Oh what a sad story, i am so sorry you lost Kit, AIDS is such a cruel disease.
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It was terrifying and still is. Thank you for reading my blog and for leaving a comment.
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A poignant reminder that way too many died from this and still do. I’ve watched my close friends in SF lose so many they loved and I know they suffer survivor guilt too. It all still breaks my heart. Beautifully written.
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Thank you. I’ve just begun to look at the writing I produced during those years…
Being dissociative means that all of the feelings are left with the alter who went through it all.
Healing for me means having these feelings. I hope I have the courage.
Thank you for reading my blog.
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Clearly you have more courage than you realized. Keep writing, as I’m sure you will.
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Thank you for your comment and visit.
I have no choice but to write.
Through it all, I realized my boyhood dream of becoming a writer and artist.
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Intensely sad.. So many losses and money spent on weapons rather than cures.
Hugs
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Thank you for reading it. It was sad to lose Kit and so many others. But the toll of forty years of religious and economic hypocrisy is even sadder.
Thank you for reading my blog. I appreciate the comment.
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Reblogged this on Hugh's Views & News and commented:
Robert shares a very sad story with us, which moved me to tears. I had to reblog his story because it is wonderfully written and comes straight from his heart.
I’d appreciate any comments being left over on Robert’s blog.
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Thank you so much for the reblog.
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Absolutely wonderfully heartfelt, and a brilliant read. You have me in tears.
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You know…I was in tears as I posted it–thank you for reading it.
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Where is the love button? I absolutely love this post. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. xoxxo
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Oh thank you so much! Maybe I should add one..;)
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