DID is an uneasy alliance of defense mechanisms.
For instance, Bobby and the Aversion Therapist; I know the story is true,
but I don’t remember it.
From my perspective, it never happened.
From Bobby’s perspective it never ended.
Research into Dissociative Disorders is improved since I was first diagnosed with one in 2009.
In 2015 the National Institutes of Health published research that explains
memory disruption in people with DID.
Normal memory is episodic.
The flow of consciousness across time is necessary to create an experience of the present, (“now”) in the context of a subjective past and anticipated future. Accordingly, under normal circumstances, time is experienced as continuously moving forward. However, traumatized individuals often relive their traumatic memories through flashbacks and lack the ability to live in the “now,” reflecting a key dissociative process associated with trauma-related altered states of consciousness. Such reliving events are in contrast to intrusive memory recall most frequently associated with reminder distress and not involving an altered state of consciousness or a dissociative process but rather represent a state of normal waking consciousness Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2015
Normal memory is “Back when I was 16,” as opposed to ‘I am 16.”
“Episodic memory differs from other kinds of memory in that its operations require a self. It is the self that engages in the mental activity that is referred to as mental time travel: there can be no travel without a traveler …” Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2015
I don’t remember things, I relive them.
“…while remembering an event, mental time travel is “partial” in that the present self voluntarily directs attention to the past self, thus maintaining awareness of the present self in the present time. In this case, the “I” is proposed to exist in the present self, which outweighs the representation of the past self in past time. In contrast, during a reliving experience, mental time travel occurs “fully,” generally not by choice, and is usually triggered by internal and/or external stimuli that bear some resemblance to a past self-state. In this case, the “I” is thought to inhabit the past self, which is thought to outweigh the presence of the present self, thus lacking a mental time traveler and the ability to voluntarily position oneself in the past or in the future.” Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2015
Maybe it’s a gift
I discussed my post about the first day of desegregation with my therapist.
It’s a short piece but was hard to write because as I wrote it, I lost most of
I told my therapist I was writing like a seven-year old.
She said it was a gift.
Maybe it’s true.
Maybe telling the ugliness of mindless violence as witnessed
by a frightened child is a kind of gift.
It’s a gift that sometimes feels like a curse.
A writer is one who writes.
Why do I write?
Why do I give so much of my life to it?
How many poems must one write to be
If it’s a masterwork, one.
(c) Rob Goldstein 2018