I wrote this poem in December 1984.
San Francisco’s gay men were hit hard by the AIDS epidemic: the sick and dying were everywhere and no one really knew how HIV was transmitted.
As the number of cases increased most of the healthy men I knew thought they were they were going to sicken and die.
The press called us the worried well.
With cases of AIDS becoming more widespread every week, the United States is undergoing a second, related epidemic–fear of AIDS. The Chicago Tribune August 1985
I was 31. This is how I wanted to die.
If now is my time of dying
let it be a time of giving
a time of joy
an exchange of one gift
for another
to be part of the plan
aware of the plan
God grant me grace
in this interlude
this movement foreword
this final act of life.
‘My Time of Dying’ Rob Goldstein 1984-2019
Portrait of Rob Goldstein by Nina Glaser
A very moving poem, and very generous sentiments. I doubt I could feel that way at the time of my dying. I think I’d belong more to the “rage, rage against the dying of the light” approach.
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I understand completely. Thank you for your comment. I took plenty of raging to get to acceptance.
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Thank you for paving the way for
people like me ❤️
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I don’t know that I had a choice, but I believe I survived because I have a voice. Thank you for your comment. It made my day. 🙂
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❤️❤️
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Your poem is an honest prayer which should be granted to all we who will die one day. Thank you.
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I did lose my fear of death. I think I fear sickness and suffering more. May we all be graced with acceptance.
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Well said. I don’t fear eith and have had a lot of the later.
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I remember these times so well, Rob. However, I never really wrote about them much, although my diary from 1988 did mention a few hospital visits to see friends who were in hospital. It was the lack of information at the time about Aids that caused me to not think about it too much. However, as the 1980s turned into the 1990s, Aids started to play a bigger part of my life as more information was given to us. I lost three very dear friends to the condition, one of whom I shared many happy memories. I still miss him to this day.
The portrait of you by Nina is beautiful, as is your poem.
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Thank you for your comment, Hugh. I think different people experienced the epidemic differently based on where they were. I had friends in New England who seemed oblivious to the epidemic. I moved to San Francisco which in the 1980’s had the largest population of gay men in the U.S. As the epidemic worsened the sick were everywhere. Thank you for your comments on Nina’s portrait of me. I’ve always liked it.
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This is beautiful, Rob. Mother Teresa said it best: Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
Peace begins with a smile..
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ❤
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Thank you, Jacquie, this is such a beautiful comment.
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Reblogged this on Jacquie Biggar-USA Today Best-selling author and commented:
Rob Goldstein shares a beautiful poem- inspirational ❤
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Thank you for the re-blog, Jacquie!
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Happy to share, my friend 🙂
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Thank you for your support, Jacquie.
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What a glorious poem, Rob. This must have been an awful and confusing time for people. I was to young to know about AIDS at that time but I can just imagine the fear and anxiety.
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Thank you, Robbie. It was a bad time. I’m glad we came through it but I still grieve the losses. I suppose I always will.
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Of course you do, Rob. You wouldn’t be the lovely person you are if you didn’t. Hugs.
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I can only imagine what a confusing, scary, and challenging time this must have been. Your poem is very touching and full of faith. I was a young teenager in 1984. I heard about AIDS and learned how it can be caught but it felt so surreal in my young world. Looking back at it today I can understand the horror so many went through.
I love the song. Brings back a lot of memories.
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In retrospect, the song reflects the ‘plague year’s’ sense of desperation that took hold of San Francisco’s radical gay community in late 1984: the ‘laying of hands’ is an of miraculous healing. Those of us who felt deeply committed to gay liberation not only lost friends and supports, some of us felt we had lost our reason to live.
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I am glad you explained the meaning. When I was 15 I did not think of the meaning of songs in a different language… unless it was a love song, maybe. So I never knew about the deeper meaning. Thank you for this, Rob!!
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The meaning of the song wasn’t clear to me until I listened to it again last week. Thank you for listening to it.
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I am thankful you made us aware of it, Robert. I am listening to it with different ears now!
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🙂
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😊
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Beautiful and powerful words for a very scary time. Your message, though, is timeless.
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Thank you. Your comment is validating and important as I organize which poems will go into the first book.
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You look like Cat Stevens at that angle. Very moving words, what a life you’ve had. Sending love 🙂
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It’s funny you say that. I first grew the beard because people said it would make me look like Cat Stevens.
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An immensely powerful and touching piece of poetry, Robert. And it speaks so profoundly of your generous and beautiful soul. I need to get some tissues. Thanks for sharing your poem with us.
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Thank you, Diana. Your support of my work is invaluable. I’ve learned so much from you.
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I think it’s all inside you, Robert. Just flowing out. ❤
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🙂
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God Bless us everyone
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I think he/she has, Annette. 🙂
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I was in Paris and fear was widespread there too. But this poem has a universal message and I hope I die with such grace.
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Thank you, Sue. I hope the courage in this poem is still with me when my time does come.
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We face what we must with who we are…
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That is so true. 🙂
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Love the poem very much, Rob! It really was a cruel time in the past. Michael
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Thank you, Michael. It was a terrible time and yet it brought out the best in us. I hope when America recovers from Trump we’ll be able to discuss the AIDS epidemic and its impact on our lives and politics.
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Lets hope so, Rob! This recovery could take a very long time. ;.(
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Some things we don’t really recover from in the sense of going back to who we were. Some events endure because they change us in thousands of unknown ways. My hope is that we will learn and continue to grow as a species. Thank you, Michael. 🙂
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Wonderful words, Rob! So true, the whole world is in need! Best wishes! Michael
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Such a scary, frightening and tragic time. But your poem is beautiful, Rob, and clearly speaks from (and to) the heart.
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Thank you, Mae. I’m focusing on the poetry as I gather material for the book. Your comments help.
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It’s a beautiful, very poignant poem, Rob. A reminder of that horrific time.
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Thank you, Mary. I have a lot of work from this period. I almost lost faith in my vision of a more just world for LGBTQ people. Yet we survived and we will continue to fight for what is right.
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Wow, Rob. You vividly brought back the memory of those years. As the epidemic worsened, everyone worried. I can only imagine what it must have been like for the gay community… A horrible, horrible time. Yet you extracted something beautiful from it.
The portrait is amazing. Of course she had a wonderful subject. 😀 Nina did a fantastic job with lighting and pose. It’s outstanding work on her part.
Hugs on the wing.
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Thank you, Teagan. Nina was and is a brilliant photographer.
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I also remember that dark time. It brought out the best and the worst in people. Your words show great grace and courage in the face of the fear.
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Thank you, Joanne. I produced most of my writing during the early days of the AIDS epidemic. When I found this poem, I was surprised because it reflects a moment of grace and clarity. I’m glad you see it too. 🙂
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At the time when I read your post, it reminded me of a poem written by Leonard Cohen that was published posthumously.
I couldn’t find the poem at the time, but have since found it. The first and last stanza were:
I pray for courage
Now I’m old
To greet the sickness
And the cold.
I pray for courage
At the end
To see death coming
As a friend.
There is such a sad hope in these words that really touched me.
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Beautiful. Thank you Joanne. The words are so simple and so rich with meaning.
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They resonated deeply with me.
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There is no higher praise. Thank you. 🙂
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So moving and yes, I do remember the early days of aids, the stigma around the subject and the many dead and dying. Dreadful days.
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Thank you, Paula. Most people don’t think of gay rights activists as soldiers, but that’s what we are. I am not comparing the dangers faced by gay activists with the danger of going into armed conflicts but studies show that the survivors of the AIDS epidemic have the same pattern of PTSD symptoms as our soldiers returning from Viet Nam and Iraq.
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