My goal with this page is to organize what I know about myself in
a single place.
My therapist said in our first session that I did not get sick in
isolation and that I won’t get well in isolation.
DID is a secret about keeping secrets.
My goal with this blog is to let my alternates tell their stories.
This is the only way to make us whole.
Whole in this context means achieving the last phase of the
evolution of the mind from that of a child to that of an adult.
The writing of this blog is literary only to the extent that I bring a certain
literary sensibility acquired from the study of poetry, literature, and film.
My alternates use different styles in the way they write but they
share a certain tone of voice.
That singularity of voice is my true self.
The writing below is dated August 22 1991. It was camouflaged to look like an old “temp” file
on my hard drive.
I havnt’ really brought you up to date on how I’m geting on with my 6′ rabbits all named George. Okay, now that the chuckle is out of the way I’m seriously stating that the exchanges I’ve told you about are only a small per centage of what’s been happening lately in fact. I can come up with three possible rationale for my audio reception to be acting this way
1> S. Psychosis
2> enhanced hearng or telepathic reception for unknown reasons
4> brain rot
Nearly all of the times when I am alone, even alone in a crowd there is a running commentary/critique/conversation/dialogue occuring and it’s always about nme there is a large array of performers.”
I found it on an old hard drive.
My guess is that this was written by one of my alternates.
My alternates sometimes have separate friendships, even more
so when I didn’t know about them 1991.
But I don’t remember a “Tim”.
Here is another piece of writing dated December 2000:
“Thank you for the condescending tone of your post, but there are a few points that I think you have misunderstood. I do not hate Republicans because of my Mother’s death. My hatred for Republicans is my hatred for Wallace Democrats, white racists, Richard Nixon and the corruption of our politics caused by the Southern Strategy which debases our political discourse and promotes the ignorance that fuels racism. I do not blame Republicans for my Mother’s death; I blame all the lefty voters who covertly supported the Reagan agenda by not voting.
This contempt includes Liberal Democrats who are no strangers to placing money over principle. As for economic difficulties, most economic difficulties in the United States are artificially manipulated and are the direct result of stupidly turning our backs on the government systems that funded the kind of visionary goals that placed men on the Moon. My parents looked at poverty and deemed it unacceptable. We look at poverty and step over it. I hate the cynicism of the new confederacy and liberals who think they can hide its ugliness behind pretty PCwords.”
“6 September 1991
I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep a sense of humor about the dialogue that I’ve been hearing for approx. 2 months now. If this is P. psychosis it is becoming more acute. I say ‘if’ because, (although I must sound like a raving lunatic), it now seems to me that the characters that I’ve been hearing at the house are more spirit like, ghosts, if you will. Furthermore I seem to be developing some kind of repoire or relationship with them. A major contributor that supports this theory is the fact that a significant percentage of the comments that I hear are of a nature that I cannot explain as being based upon my subconscious guilt, etc., that being what psychosis would normally be releasing or shedding, I believe.
The two main characters sound to be an adult woman and her mother. They both give praise as well as criticism, often, but not always, opposing one another to some degree. Upon moving a plant (n bloom) into the foyer a few moments ago I plainly heard the mother say ‘oh look- how pretty.’ and repeating this several times, with daughter barely responding, showing much indifference. I was not thinking of the plants appearance at all, but was simply getting it out of the way. An additional factor is that they seem to witness everything except my thoughts. Those remain private unless I utter them. They also, at first, indicated surprise when I butted into or responded to their dialogue, as if they thought that I could not see nor hear THEM AT ALL.B.”
This is one dated April 1993:
“Justice is a tweaked out whore that swipes
everything she sees: colored glass, lint, skin,
a hummingbird, Priests, all the stars in the
a dozen Kentucky fried courts have declared
They say that thieves with money aren’t thieves.
So Justice isn’t really blind.
She’s just another rich con feeding a habit”
I don’t recognize, relate to or remember this writing.
This is a primary symptom of Dissociative Identity Disorder.
I don’t know that the writing is mine but I have no evidence that it isn’t.
I am not an authority on Dissociative Disorders and I don’t won’t spend
time describing Dissociative Identity Disorder as a clinical phenomena
because the clinical description does not describe the human dimension.
I have links to excellent sources of clinical information such The International
Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation.
I strongly agree with the theory of the Structural Dissociation of the Personality.
This is a link to an easy to understand PowerPoint presentation of what researchers
in the field of trauma know about the use of dissociation as a survival mechanism and
its potential for becoming pathological.
Six years ago I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
At first, I felt guilty about it. I thought I was morally flawed. I
spent most of the first four years after the diagnosis apologizing
While there are many facts that I don’t know or want to know about my life,
I do know that all of my alternates carry a consistent and shared set of ethics.
We believe in fair play, a sense of duty and in the goal of becoming the best
This means knowing that people who live outside of our DID system have the same
physical and emotional needs as we do.
Some people claim that DID is a kind of Narcissism.
People with DID are fragmented but not dis-compassionate and rarely a sociopath.
The unique symptom of Dissociative Identity Disorder are the fragments of personality called “alternates”.
Alternates are distinct states of being or feelings with names.
My alternates are well-educated and skilled at their specialty.
The primary alternates are playful and witty.
People who interact with them on social media can’t tell that the person they’ve met is
a fragment of a whole.
The most recent research with brain scans and MRI’s find physical trauma related damage in the brains of people with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
This means that Dissociative Identity Disorder as a syndrome is no longer really up for debate.
My advice for anyone who has a friend or a spouse with DID is learn about the illness.
If you think that you know what DID is because you have seen or read Sybil and the Three faces of Eve you’re wrong.
In a post about the partners and friends of people with DID Holly Gray, on the Dissociative Living Blog, says it best:
“Those of us with DID don’t have the option of walking away from it. You do. For my part, I’d like to remind you that no matter how it feels, DID isn’t forced on you. You can leave, or choose not to get involved at all. Those of us with this disorder would spare you if we could. So when it gets rough – and it will get rough – please remember this: living with Dissociative Identity Disorder is a decision you’re making, not something we’re doing to you. Blame us for our choices and behaviors … not for having DID.”
The point is that having Dissociative Identity Disorder does not always mean making bad choices and unruly
behaviors — but it does mean shifts in memory and ways of being.
My goal is to help lift the stigma against mental illness and disorders talking honestly about my experience of
learning how to live with DID.
Image and Text (c)Rob Goldstein 215-2016