Our Dark Romantic Hero in Shnagged on a Run in the Hosiery of Time

Our Dark Romantic Hero-Shanagged on a Run in the Hosiery of Time


A lone spacecraft battles its way through a meteor shower in the Aries Nebula.

We are on the Starship Charo. Captain O.D. issues an order to his first mate to steady the helm. Leesa does her best.

Leesa: Ze ship von’t shteer dah-ling!

O.D.: Dammit Leesa! We’ve got to get out of this!

Leesa: Humidity reads high dah-ling!

O.D.: Steady the helm!

A horn blares followed by a crash

Leesa: Ve’ve been hit dah-ling.

O.D.: Change course zero point four degrees!

Leesa: Eye eye dah-ling.

Crash, roar and crumple. Leesa and O.D. throw themselves from one side of the ship to the other. All goes quiet. Jump cut: Leesa’s breasts, followed by a wide-angle shot of the Charo’s interior. The decor is Chinese modern with a great big Chinese coffee table and a huge coral sofa with bright green cushions. The helm is really just an alcove with a curved wall.

Leesa: (tugs the hem of her aluminum mini-dress.) Humidity reads normal dah-ling.

O.D.: (Opens a quadraphonic 3-D space map.) Yes Leesa–But I can’t seem to pin-point our location.

Leesa: (Her beauty is immobilized) Let me see, Dah-ling. (she pours herself over the map) I sink we are in ze Rayon Belt.

O.D. : My God, Leesa! Wasn’t ze Rayon Belt declared off-limits by United Network Command?

A loud hum begins before Leesa can answer. She and O.D. cover their ears with expressions of  exaggerated pain. The hum stops and is replaced by the amplified voice of Queen Stretch Mark the 1st.

Queen S.: HUMANOID PRUDES!! YOU HAVE WANDERED INTO MY LATEX FIELDS!! YOU ARE ENMESHED!! THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!

Leesa: But your Majesty dah-ling! Vee come in Peace!

Queen S.: WE SHALL SEE…MY GUARDS WILL BEAM A WARDROBE OF TIGHTS AND TOPS TO YOUR SHIP. YOU MUST WEAR THEM IMMEDIATELY!!

O.D.: (Shaking his fist) YOU LIBERTINE TYRANT!!

Queen S.: YOU AMUSE ME CAPTAIN. I HAVE HEARD MUCH ABOUT THE  PERSNICKETY O.D.. BUT ENOUGH!! YOUR CREW WILL BE BROUGHT TO THE SHEER SURFACE OF MY LATEX PLANET  BY MY HIGHLY TRAINED FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WHOSE SMOOTH LEGS AND BULGING THIGHS ARE READILY VISIBLE IN THEIR GREEN SPANDEX BOTTOMS.

Leesa: I’ve always vondered about zis Queen Dah-ling.

O.D.: Her grip is tightening. We’d best do as she says.

Chimes. The queen’s guardsmen appear on deck. They are dressed in orange spandex body tights. Zebra stripes complete the motif. They shove lumps of shiny cloth at Leesa and O.D.

O.D.: No! I won’t.

1st Guardsman: The Queen insists.

O.D.: You can’t make me!

He struggles. Leesa grabs him by the arms.

Leesa: No vun on Earse vil hear of this.

Leesa exits and returns immediately in her Spandex Costume. The camera pans her body.)

Jump cuts: A petroleum sea rolls onto a Lycra shore. Stretch clouds drift above a shimmering rubber mountain.  Cut to the Queens throne room. Snow white carpets make a stunning background for pie-crust tables. Corner cabinets, all chiseled out and painted a lovely pink, show off wedge wood and Chinese things. There are couches with deep soft cushions in which one can get lost.

To the Queen’s left is Simp the Oracle. To her right: Gore Vidal.

Simp and Gore wear Bicycle shorts. Gore also wears a white shirt, suit jacket, and tie.

Enter Leesa. Arms laced behind her back to highlight her bust line. A lock of raven hair lingers on her forehead. King Kamehameha leads the way.

King K.: Howdy your Highness!

Queen: Where is the male?

King K.: He’s a feisty feller–

Leesa: No! Oh Pleaze! Zese cords are zo tight!

Queen: Silence! Why have you come to my planet!?

Leesa: Ve vere shanagged on a run in the hosiery of time.

Queen: Ha!

Gore Vidal: It is possible, your Highness, that you are  overreacting.

Queen: They come to bring prudery to my Intergalactic Federation of Free Slaves! Prudery kills! Kill them!

Simp the Oracle: Thith delusion isth quite prethipitous!

Jump cuts: Leesa’s breasts, Gores crotch

Gore: The comings and goings of this court are distasteful indeed to the decadent and discriminating eye. My God! I can’t tell history from fiction!

Simp the Oracle: Indeed, from your villa in the platha you wander many a wonderouth path.

Gore Vidal:…Your Highness! I suggest we declare the Earth creatures Compass Dementous!

Leesa: Vaht duz zat mean, dahling?

Gore: You have lost your way.

Jump cuts: Simp’s eyes, Gore’s pipe, Queens jowls and Leesa’s breasts.

Queen: Call the male!

King Kamehameha: Yes ma’am.

Queen: He’ll confess…I’ll make him.

To be continued….
 Rob Goldstein (c) 2014