Our Dark Romantic Hero in Shnagged on a Run in the Hosiery of Time

Our Dark Romantic Hero-Shanagged on a Run in the Hosiery of Time


A lone spacecraft battles its way through a meteor shower in the Aries Nebula.

We are on the Starship Charo. Captain O.D. issues an order to his first mate to steady the helm. Leesa does her best.

Leesa: Ze ship von’t shteer dah-ling!

O.D.: Dammit Leesa! We’ve got to get out of this!

Leesa: Humidity reads high dah-ling!

O.D.: Steady the helm!

A horn blares followed by a crash

Leesa: Ve’ve been hit dah-ling.

O.D.: Change course zero point four degrees!

Leesa: Eye eye dah-ling.

Crash, roar and crumple. Leesa and O.D. throw themselves from one side of the ship to the other. All goes quiet. Jump cut: Leesa’s breasts, followed by a wide-angle shot of the Charo’s interior. The decor is Chinese modern with a great big Chinese coffee table and a huge coral sofa with bright green cushions. The helm is really just an alcove with a curved wall.

Leesa: (tugs the hem of her aluminum mini-dress.) Humidity reads normal dah-ling.

O.D.: (Opens a quadraphonic 3-D space map.) Yes Leesa–But I can’t seem to pin-point our location.

Leesa: (Her beauty is immobilized) Let me see, Dah-ling. (she pours herself over the map) I sink we are in ze Rayon Belt.

O.D. : My God, Leesa! Wasn’t ze Rayon Belt declared off-limits by United Network Command?

A loud hum begins before Leesa can answer. She and O.D. cover their ears with expressions of  exaggerated pain. The hum stops and is replaced by the amplified voice of Queen Stretch Mark the 1st.

Queen S.: HUMANOID PRUDES!! YOU HAVE WANDERED INTO MY LATEX FIELDS!! YOU ARE ENMESHED!! THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!

Leesa: But your Majesty dah-ling! Vee come in Peace!

Queen S.: WE SHALL SEE…MY GUARDS WILL BEAM A WARDROBE OF TIGHTS AND TOPS TO YOUR SHIP. YOU MUST WEAR THEM IMMEDIATELY!!

O.D.: (Shaking his fist) YOU LIBERTINE TYRANT!!

Queen S.: YOU AMUSE ME CAPTAIN. I HAVE HEARD MUCH ABOUT THE  PERSNICKETY O.D.. BUT ENOUGH!! YOUR CREW WILL BE BROUGHT TO THE SHEER SURFACE OF MY LATEX PLANET  BY MY HIGHLY TRAINED FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WHOSE SMOOTH LEGS AND BULGING THIGHS ARE READILY VISIBLE IN THEIR GREEN SPANDEX BOTTOMS.

Leesa: I’ve always vondered about zis Queen Dah-ling.

O.D.: Her grip is tightening. We’d best do as she says.

Chimes. The queen’s guardsmen appear on deck. They are dressed in orange spandex body tights. Zebra stripes complete the motif. They shove lumps of shiny cloth at Leesa and O.D.

O.D.: No! I won’t.

1st Guardsman: The Queen insists.

O.D.: You can’t make me!

He struggles. Leesa grabs him by the arms.

Leesa: No vun on Earse vil hear of this.

Leesa exits and returns immediately in her Spandex Costume. The camera pans her body.)

Jump cuts: A petroleum sea rolls onto a Lycra shore. Stretch clouds drift above a shimmering rubber mountain.  Cut to the Queens throne room. Snow white carpets make a stunning background for pie-crust tables. Corner cabinets, all chiseled out and painted a lovely pink, show off wedge wood and Chinese things. There are couches with deep soft cushions in which one can get lost.

To the Queen’s left is Simp the Oracle. To her right: Gore Vidal.

Simp and Gore wear Bicycle shorts. Gore also wears a white shirt, suit jacket, and tie.

Enter Leesa. Arms laced behind her back to highlight her bust line. A lock of raven hair lingers on her forehead. King Kamehameha leads the way.

King K.: Howdy your Highness!

Queen: Where is the male?

King K.: He’s a feisty feller–

Leesa: No! Oh Pleaze! Zese cords are zo tight!

Queen: Silence! Why have you come to my planet!?

Leesa: Ve vere shanagged on a run in the hosiery of time.

Queen: Ha!

Gore Vidal: It is possible, your Highness, that you are  overreacting.

Queen: They come to bring prudery to my Intergalactic Federation of Free Slaves! Prudery kills! Kill them!

Simp the Oracle: Thith delusion isth quite prethipitous!

Jump cuts: Leesa’s breasts, Gores crotch

Gore: The comings and goings of this court are distasteful indeed to the decadent and discriminating eye. My God! I can’t tell history from fiction!

Simp the Oracle: Indeed, from your villa in the platha you wander many a wonderouth path.

Gore Vidal:…Your Highness! I suggest we declare the Earth creatures Compass Dementous!

Leesa: Vaht duz zat mean, dahling?

Gore: You have lost your way.

Jump cuts: Simp’s eyes, Gore’s pipe, Queens jowls and Leesa’s breasts.

Queen: Call the male!

King Kamehameha: Yes ma’am.

Queen: He’ll confess…I’ll make him.

To be continued….
 Rob Goldstein (c) 2014

 

Our Dark Romantic Hero, Episode Five: Save Sodom!

Our Dark Romantic Hero Saves Sodom

(Our Dark Romantic Hero stands at the stairway into Sodom. The path into the city is lit by pebbles of thought, each as delicate as an egg. Enter Bobby. He is dressed in hipster black.

Bobby: Welcome to Sodom! …Oh, it’s you!

O.D. I arrive to bring salvation!

Bobby: Wanna see some filthy pictures?

O.D. I have my own, thank you. Do you greet everyone who comes to Sodom?

Bobby: (frustrated) Oh you’re so pat!

O.D. Come again?

Bobby: (Reciting) Wretched queen runs from life and blames authorities!

O.D.: How dare you preach to me, you snotty little stereotype!

Bobby: Don’t take it personal. We’re all snotty here. We’re so snotty it’s sinful.

O.D. (portentously) I have come to save the future from the past.

(Lights down)

Voices: And so Our Dark Romantic Hero was brought to the Great hall of the Regent Of Sodom who is all wise and knowing it all. For it is written: Lo! There shall pop from the plague ridden future a prophet, and he shall enter the City with the Trojans.

(Lights up. O.D. and Bobby stand in the throne room of the Sodom Board of Snotty Queens. The board is composed of two elders and the Regent. The Regent is a tall elegant man in layers of robes. He sits on an elaborate throne between the elders who are also dressed in robes. The first Elder stands to the Regent’s left and the second elder stands to his right)

Bobby: Our Dark Romantic Hero to see their many excellencies!

The Regent: So you are the Heroic Our Dark! You’ve caused a stir among the twinkies!

O.D. I fled the future at the speed of thought leaving any possibility except that which I my destiny!

First Elder: She’s grandiose!

(A rocking chair appears next to O.D. The regent rises from his throne and crosses to the rocking chair. He smiles at O.D. and sits.)

The Regent: Come shnookums. Cuddle up and confess your future.

O.D. The future is my past.

The Regent: Is it sinful?

O.D.: Very

The Regent: Then confess! But be warned; these sins had better be black!

O.D.: (raises his right hand) In the name if the inevitable holy trinity…

Second Elder: Get on with it!

O.D.: I had my first man at 18.

The Regent: (unimpressed.) How many since?

O.D.: (Sensing disapproval) Hundreds! Thousands! Hundreds of thousands!

Bobby: (rolls his eyes) Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!

The Regent: Impressive! (to the First Elder) What say you?

First Elder: I think she’s making it up.

O.D. (Desperate) At 16 I had a vision! I was in a forest of beautiful men that were merging with and emerging from the branches of tall trees and in my vision I belonged to them. When my vision ended my cheeks were flushed. I thought it was a sign of divinity. (O.D. buries his face in his hands) Now I know it was shame.

The Regent: (Comforting) It is written that our messiah will carry great shame.

Second Elder: Is this neurotic queen really our messiah!

First Elder: Is he a man with the guts to be a woman?

The Regent: (to O.D.) Well? Are you?

O.D. (bewildered) I don’t understand.

The Regent: The Savior of Sodom is not ashamed of the feminine. Thus the men of Sodom will also be women.

Second Elder: and animal…

The Regent: (impatiently) I have a story for you prophet. There lived in the ancient City of Felare an old couple, Lot and Carlotta. It was Carlotta’s sincerest desire to to get knocked up. Lo! One day five maniacal charioteers tore into Lot’s tent and demanded that Lot let them know Carlotta. What could Lot do? For it is written that women as property is not worth the life of an ass. The Charioteers knew Carlotta for two days. Four months later Carlotta was with child.

“At last” Lot exclaimed, “I have sired a Son.

“Praise God” mumbled Carlotta.

Soon it was time for the census. “We must make haste from Felare and travel to Bethlehem!” Said Lot. But Lo! A star appeared in the West and it did confuse Lot and Lot did go north into Nantucket, thus avoiding a possible brush with fame. Do you understand the meaning of this story, my little warrior?

O.D.: Yes, your Highness…

The Regent: Then explain it to me.

O.D. (Confused) What?

First Elder: For it is written, the messiah shall understand the riddle of Lot and Carlotta!

Bobby: (whispers to O.D.) They were Compass Dementous.

(Lights Out)

To be continued…

Our Dark Romantic Hero, Episode Four: The Changeling

The Changeling
(Lights up: Our Dark Romantic Hero sits stiffly in a director’s chair. He wears a three-piece suit. He speaks but does not move.)
O. D.: When Zulu told me had AIDS my mind snapped.  I can still see flashes of light and color, waves of delight at the thought of complete paralyses. Like a beast trapped in an electric a cage; I sit and absorb the pain until the moment of release when I decide to feel no more.
As much as I love the Zulu, his death is more death than I can bear.
(O.D. goes silent and the spirit of O.D. rises from his body. It is a little boy in an oversize superman costume. The spirit of O.D. faces the audience and smiles.  He strokes his chin thoughtfully.)
My favorite old horror flick is “The Changeling.” It starred George C. Scott as Patton as George C. Scott. The flick is about how Patton buys a big ass little mansion in New England and meets the ghost of a boy who was murdered by his Dad for being too sick.
You see, letting the little boy live wasn’t cost-effective.
So Daddy drowns him and replaces him with a healthy future senator: the Changeling.  By the time Patton moves into the mansion the ghost of the little boy has had seventy years to figure out that he’s pissed.
He goes on a rampage and haunts everyone.
In the end, only the death of “the Changeling” gives him peace.
There are two morals to this story: our lies catch up to us, especially the ones we believe; and there is no rage more savage than the rage of pissed off innocence.
(The spirit of O.D. vanishes.)
(Enter Zulu. he crosses to O.D. and stares down at him.)
Zulu: What’s this?
O.D. (Vacantly) I’m catatonic.
Zulu: (crosses his arms) Well that’s no help!
O.D. (Vacantly) Call me selfish.
Zulu: Selfish!
O.D. (Vacantly) Call me shit.
Zulu: Shit!
O.D. (Ecstatic) I hear voices!
Zulu: You selfish shit! You can’t do this! (Zulu jerks O.D. up by the lapels of his jacket.
(O.D. hangs limply in place. A blue rubber ball bounces across the stage and comes to a stop at Zulu’s feet. Zulu stares at O.D. in horror and throws him back into the chair.)
Zulu: What do you want?
(Four knocks)
Zulu: How dare you haunt me!
(Four knocks followed by a child’s sob)
Zulu: (Faces the audience) What do you do when the living haunt the dying? They demand that we stop dying and blame us when we can’t. As if mortality is the result
of a bad attitude.
To be continued….

Our Dark Romantic Hero, Episode Three: Oblivion Together with You

Dr. Bombay

Our Dark Romantic Hero and Leesa are captives of the evil Queen Stretchmark I, who does not know that her subjects are the Al-Anons: a guilt ridden, yet superior species of hominid that can read minds. The Al-Anons are now a hostage to the deceptions that they have fabricated for the Queen.
Puzzled, O.D. decides to consult a well-known doctor.
O.D.: (Moves to center stage and stops. The guards aim their rayon guns.)
Mr. Haney: What’s he up to? (To King Kamehameha) What’s he up to?
O.D. (Raises his arms in supplication) Calling Dr. Bombay! Come in Dr. Bombay!
(Rumble. The cell shakes. Smoke rises from the center. As it clears, we see a short trim man in a white lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck.)
Dr. Bombay: (snaps his fingers. A foot long rectal thermometer appears. It drifts between the Doctor and O.D. Dr. Bombay clears his throat.) Who is the patient? (The thermometer points like a dowsing wand from person to person)
O.D.: The patient proper is not here.
Dr. Bombay: (ignores O.D.) I was in the middle of a most complex lobotomy when you called. The patient’s frontal lobes had grown back!
O.D.: I think we have a case just as interesting! (O.D. nudges King Kamehameha, who is in shock.) Tell him about the Queen.
King Kamehameha: Go-o-ll-ley! Are you really a doctor!
Dr. Bombay: Now “here” is a successful lobotomy! (To O.D.) Did you do it?
Mr. Haney: (to Dr. Bombay) I got some saws you might could use!
Dr. Bombay: (Snaps his fingers. The thermometer disappears.) I must get back to my patient! Heaven help us if he’s grown a second brain!
O.D.: Wait a minute! I’ll explain. This planet is held hostage by a queen who has confused the symbol with the object.
Dr. Bombay: A Queen you say. They all do that. The planet should simply ignore her and go about its business. Now if you’ll excuse me?
King Kamehameha: The Queen lives for attention. It would break his heart if we ignore him.
Dr. Bombay: (As of seeing King K. for the first time) you silly man! What is that outfit? (He snaps his fingers. The thermometer re-appears) you must be the patient!
O.D.: He’s a symptom. I tell ya doc…It’s a bad case of–something…
Dr. Bombay: Oh, all right! (He snaps his fingers. The thermometer is replaced by a giant PDR. It floats in front of the Dr. and flips its own pages. Dr. Bombay mumbles through
categories.) Drag-foot, drag-race, ah! Here it is! Dragos Vestimentum Complicatus. A confusion of costume with identity! Symptoms vary from costume to costume!
O.D. What if the patient thinks he’s a yard of spandex?
Dr. Bombay: A lobotomy should make it right. I have a spare in my bag.
(Voices and movement off stage. Voice of Queen Stretchmark I) Is this a bath house or a prison? (O.D. taps Dr. Bombay on his shoulder and places his index finger in front of his lips. The PDR slams shut and disappears. Leesa enters with Queen SMI.)
O.D.: (to Leesa) You poor innocent! He’s dressed you like a whore.
Leesa: I like it dah-ling.
Queen SMI: (Examines Dr. Bombay’s lab coat.) is that cotton or cottony latex?
Dr. Bombay: (Offended) My dear fetishist!
O.D.: He’s a hologram!
King Kamehameha: Thass raght yer haighness!
Queen SMI: (to Mr. Haney) Why are you here, Haney?
Mr. Haney: I was showin’ Mr. O.D. some Paree-shun bicycle shorts just arrived from Taipei.
(Dr. Bombay snaps his fingers. An analyst’s couch appears and gently drifts in front of Queen SMI.) Please lay down.
Queen SMI: (to her guards) Fire!
(The guards aim their rayon guns at the couch and fire. The leather becomes polyester. The Queen reclines.)
Dr. Bombay: The couch has a magic fingers button that auto presses at three different levels for correct answers.
Queen SMI: Who are you?
Dr. Bombay: (points to Mr. Haney) I’m his assistant. Now! Please name the last three presidents of the United States backwards.
Queen SMI: Elected?
Dr. Bombay: Correct! (Dr. Bombay snaps his fingers. A notepad and pen appear and begin to take notes. ) Now tell me what this means: People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!
Queen SMI: Especially when inside!
Dr. Bombay: Correct! Turn up the magic fingers!
(Queen SMI rolls on the couch in ecstasy)
(Leesa crosses to O.D. and stares at the ecstatic queen with envy–O.D. drapes a comforting arm on her shoulder.)
O.D.: (To Dr. Bombay) This is grotesque. Can’t you send us into oblivion?
Leesa: (To O.D.) All of us into oblivion, dahling?
Dr. Bombay: By George, you’re right! I can! (Dr. Bombay crosses his arms in front of his chest and prepares to blink.
O.D. (To Leesa) Oblivion together with you does not frighten me.
(Dr. Bombay blinks. Everything goes black.
Leesa: I sought you vas gay, dahling.
To be continued….