I’m sorry, but we need to talk about suicide…

From Greece With Love

From Greece With Love

Earlier this week I found out someone who I had grown up with but had lost touch many years ago had taken his own life. Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of an amazing human, someone who taught me more than they will ever know, taking their life. In the summer of 2015 I lost one of my dearest and best friends, in the same way, and she will never know that my life will never be the same without her.

This is a subject I have always planned to write about, because as many people who have followed my writing over the years will know, putting some words down and emptying the thoughts in my brain is a kind of personal therapy for me. But on this subject, I have always refrained as I know how deeply and how directly it affects so many of my loved ones.

However…

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Yet, I am still alive

A friend and collaborator took this picture as I got
into character to rehearse a theatrical piece.

My friend snapped this shot as I danced and spoke
my lines.

In fact, I was switching into character, though no one
in my circle of friends knew what that was.

It was a dark time in America, but one goes on with life.

This is a journal entry from the day of that shot:

July 16, 1987

It is July and I am still alive.

The AIDS epidemic is in its sixth year and those six years have passed slowly and cruelly. I had hoped that AIDS would fade like a fad, but it is still around and killing, and the fact that a reactionary movement has gained momentum by openly discussing it as a form of divine retribution sickens me to my core.

Thank God for Joni Mitchell.

I’ve lived so long without a future that the thought of having one terrifies me.

Yet, I am still alive.

And I intend to stay alive.

(c) Rob Goldstein 1987-2017

Dissociative Identity Disorder: Isolation and the Fear of Rejection

I like the idea of meeting with other bloggers
but dread the thought of doing it.

The internet truly does free the creative
mind.

I hear that my blog is interesting, creative,
provocative, and sometimes full of shit.

I’m OK with that.

I’m OK with rejections of my disembodied
selves and their ideas.

I’ve seen video of other patients with DID.

What does my DID look like in real-time?

How young do I act when Bobby is out; and how
feminine is my behavior when Sara is out?

Portrait of an avatar posed to illustrate a dissociative alternate named Sara
Sara, 2017

In real-time, people don’t see the idea.

Before my symptoms worsened in 2011, I enjoyed
giving parties; I had a large circle of friends: people
with whom I shared ideas.

Six years later, I am almost completely isolated;
I see my partner and my therapist.

I discuss the isolation in therapy and my therapist
and I agree that I need to do something about it.

But I don’t.

I stopped going to ‘therapy’ groups at Kaiser because
I felt laughed at and disbelieved.

Rejection is more painful and humiliating when you
see it in someone’s eyes.

Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to my Friends on WordPress

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays
to friends and followers of Art by Rob
Goldstein.

Thank you for being here.

Royal Philharmonic Chorus and Orchestra, Sir Thomas Beecham, cond.
RCA/BMG, recorded 1959
The Internet Archives

His Empty Grave Fills Lives, Rob Goldstein 2017