The Bunker

The thirty survivors found the bunker at daylight.

Life became a hellish routine of nearly surviving,
yet Trina says she never wants to leave.

She speaks of jumping rope and barking dogs.

She speaks of torrid flames.

Trina sees patterns in everything; God is
here, she says, as a mist or ripples in a pond,

He is in this sunset, as pink as living coral.

(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

Switching Stations: Wilma Wants an Abortion

Warning: This post discusses adult themes in an admittedly childish way.

(Lights up. An Empty stage; enter Fred Flintstone)

Fred: When Wilma got pregnant, I worried. I wondered if we were ready for a kid so soon after Wilma’s ECT. I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to go to Frost Bite Falls for an abortion.

(Laugh Track)

Wilma: (off stage) Fred? Fred? Is that you?

Fred: Here, honey!

(Enter Wilma)

Wilma: Oh Fred! Why are you so late! (Wilma bursts into tears.)

(Laugh Track)

Fred: Gee honey, the boss kept me late.

Wilma: (sobs) I sometimes think I should have an abortion!

Fred: Oh honey; don’t talk like that. What would Betty think?

Wilma: Oh, who cares what Betty thinks! (sobs) She’s not under a
contract to have to have a baby!

(Laugh Track)

(The doorbell rings. Enter Mr. Ed)

Mr. Ed: I was just at a meetin’ wit da Mattel’s an deys wanna know if the kid’ll be baked by Christmas!

(Laugh Track)

Wilma: Who the fuck are you?

(Laugh Track)

Mr. Ed: (To Fred) You gotta live wid this?

(Laugh Track)

(Enter Betty Rubble)

Betty:  Hi Wilma? Fred? Who’s the Horse? Hubba, hubba!

Wilma:  Hi Betty. This horsey works for the Mattel’s!

Mr. Ed: (to Betty) Mr. Ed is my name an makin’ pretty ladies is my game!

Betty: Pleased t’ meetcha! I sure hope you folks can cash in with Bam-Bam!

(Laugh Track)

(Lights Out. We hear the voices of Batman and Robin)

Robin: Holy stegosaurus, Batman! Ya really think you smell trouble?

Batman: Think young friend: does a horse shit in a meadow?

(Lights up: Betty and Wilma are locked in a kiss

Robin: Tsk. I am so OVER gratuitous lesbianism; I mean the way the writers slip it into everything these days!

Batman: Oh, SPLACK!

Mr. Ed: Cool yer chops Batty boy!

Robin: (To Mr. Ed.)  And MUFF!

Mr. Ed: And tell lover bird to stop chirpin!

Batman: (Hands on hips) He’s NOT my lover!

Wilma: Oh, pish-posh!

Betty: That’s telling him, Wilma!

(Laugh Track)

(Enter Eva Gabor; she spots Mr. Ed and points with recognition)

Eva Gabor: I know you!

Batman: I bet you do, lady!

Eva Gabor: That’s precisely what I mean!

(Enter Eddy Albert)

Eddy Albert: What is you mean precisely?

Batman:  Precisely?

Eddy Albert: Precisely!

Eva Gabor: Why precisely do you ask, Olivah?

Betty: (To Wilma) Oh Wilma! Aren’t Heterosexuals the most boring! Let’s get outta here!

Wilma: I’m with you Betty! Let’s have an abortion!

Betty and Wilma in unison: Da-da da da de da! Charrrge it! (They exit)

Batman: Our work here is done, Robin.

Robin: Right, Batman! (They exit with a swish of their capes)

(Enter Fred Ziffel)

Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas! Arnold’s feelin’ mighty sick! I’d sure appreciate it if you’d come over and take a look at him!

Eddie Albert: I’m a lawyer, not a doctor.

Eva Gabor: You can help him make out his vill, dahling!

Eddie Albert: Oh, All Right! (Mr. Ziffel and Eva Gabor exit with Eddie Albert)

(Pause)

Fred Flintstone: (Looks at Mr. Ed and shrugs) I guess it’s time for me to take out the cat. (Fred Flintstone exits. Mr. Ed alone on the stage)

(Enter Wilber Post)

Wilber Post: There you are, Ed. I looked all over New York for you! I even called the police!

Mr. Ed: Well ya found me, Wilber. Ya got any of that hay left over from Thanksgiving?

Wilber Post: Sure Do!

(Wilbur post leads Mr. Ed off stage.  As the lights dim to black the laugh track builds to a roar)

An avatar that represents an alternate named the Narrator in front of street murals found on Valencia Street in San Francisco
Switching Stations

End

(c) Rob Goldstein 12/86 – 12/2017 All Graphics (c) Rob  Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

Switching Stations – Reruns

This was published a few days ago as La-De-Da etc; a title I despised.
I’m posting out of sync with myself which means I have to go back and
revise things after they’re live; my apologies for the confusion.

(Lights up; we are aboard the Starship Enterprise.)

Eddie Albert:  When I agreed to Green Acres, I said to the writers, no livestock; well they paid no attention and wouldn’t ya know the first thing they did-

Eva Gabor: Dahling, you promised not to trash Arnold.

Batman: Was it 1968–or 69 (Laugh track) when Playboy published that filthy article about the homoerotic implications of my relationship with Dick?  As if I would subject little Dick Grayson to a bat-grope!

Eddie Albert: In the very first script was a pig that was smarter than me! Not only was it smarter; that pig was loved!

Eva Gabor: I love you Oliver. (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: Lisa, it’s not the same!

Eva Gabor: How is it different Dahling?

Robin: At first I was clumsy on the bat pole (laugh track) but after a few lessons I was ready to jump that stick all day! (Laugh Track)

Batman: Now cut that out! (Laugh track)

Robin: Horny Norwegian wood, Batman! What’d I say? (Pause)  So, I arrive at Wayne Manor and Bruce gives me a cape!

Batman: Not any old cape, Robin!

Robin: That’s right, Batman! It was cute and yellow and stopped just short of my tight but straight little butt! (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: That pig was not only smarter than me! He made more money! Just thinking about it makes me–

Eva Gabor:  Let’s go to Rome, Dahling.

Eva Gabor: We don’t have that kind of money, Lisa.  For God’s sake, look at this ship!

Eva Gabor: Ve can go back to Manhattan, Dahling. You can practice law.

(Enter Arnold the Pig.)

Robin: (stunned by Arnold) Holy heart failure, Batman!

Arnold the Pig: GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: (To Arnold) He didn’t get his hotscakes this morning and he’s a perfect beast, no offense, dahling.

Arnold the Pig:  (leaps onto a chair and looks up at Eva.) GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: There Dahling.  (Eva switches on a television and we hear the five beat introduction to Green Acres. Eva suddenly notices Batman and Robin.) Who are you? (To Eddie Albert) Olivah? Who are zey?

Eddie Albert:  Say, are you fellows gay? These are the 60’s. You can’t wear tights until the 80’s.

Batman: Now hold on!

Robin: Holy harshin, Mr. Douglas!

Eva Gabor: They look like such nice boys! Do stay and have some hotscakes!

Batman: (With a slight Southern drawl) We’d like to Mrs. Douglas, but we got to get Arnold home and dressed in time for the weddin’.

Eddie Arnold: Weddin’? WHAT WEDDIN’?

Arnold the Pig: (Jumps up and saunters over to Batman) GRUNT?

Eva Gabor: Arnold’s getting married to Jethrine up in Oxford. (Eva flirts with Batman and Robin)  Those capes are darling, Olivah, why don’t you wear a cape?

Eddie Albert: I’m not gay, Lisa.

Eva Gabor: Are you sure, dahling?

Robin: Well, we’ll be seeinya Mrs. Douglas. C’mon Arnold.

Arnold the Pig. (To Eddie Albert) HA! – GRUNT!

(Lights out)

(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

 

Next Week:

 

The Attack of the Hank Kimballs

A virtual reality shot depicting Lisa and Oliver Douglas from Green Acres under attack on the Starship Enterprise by the Hank Kimballs
Lisa and Oliver are thrown from their hay stacks after the Hank Kimballs launch a series of photon digressions.

The Hank Kimballs: Gee Mr. Douglas–resistance is futile. Well maybe not futile…more like frustrating…or at least difficult. I would say more than difficult but less than frustrating but not so frustrating as to be futile–say! Maybe resistance IS futile.

Peter: The Little Girl in the Wall

First published as Wild Kingdom on April 14, 2015.

Warning: The content may be triggering.

Lions stalk the plains of Africa, roaring and eating up deer, then the Rock of Gibraltar appears behind a man that lights a cigarette and promises money to people that die.

“That’s the strength of the rock!” he says.

Peter thinks about the little girl with scissors.

Mother says she hides in the walls until she hears a little
boy talking too much.

Then she pops out, holds him down, and cuts out his tongue!

Mother says the little girl has scissors as long as Father’s arms.

But the little girl can’t hear a drawing, Peter thinks.

Mother’s in the kitchen having coffee with Earline.

Earline is the lady that lives next door.

Mother says Earline is PG.

Peter goes into the kitchen to show Earline his pictures of
people with breasts.

Earline blushes and says what a little man Peter’s become.

Mother heaves a burdened sigh and shakes her head, “He’s so difficult Earline! One of his uncle’s gave him a book about the natives of Africa; now he draws tits on everything.”

Mother smiles patiently at Peter: “Go to the living room, sweetheart and we’ll look at your drawings later.”

Peter returns to the living room. where the flies chase each other around his chair: one of them drifts sluggishly to the floor.

Peter snatches it up and rips off it’s wings.

Then he drops it to the floor to see what a fly without wings can do.

A screenshot of VR avatars staged to represent a child alternate named Peter, a protector alternate named Bobby and a storyteller alternate named the Narrator
A screenshot of avatars staged to represent a child alternate named Peter, a protector alternate named Bobby, and a storyteller named the Narrator. Please click this link for an explanation of alternates and their function.
(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved