Dissociative Identity Disorder: The Monsters Are Back

Some context.

I often write from the perspective of an alternate personality, in this case Peter, a child alternate who thinks he’s a ghost. I first posted this piece in July 2016.

Warning: Content may be triggering.

The Monsters are Back


Today was a week and now is a year.

Grief

Grieve

Grieving

Art by Rob Goldstein
Scissors

It’s 1958; monsters are everywhere.

They hiss faggot as I walk with my
head bowed.

They gather in packs and surround me.

I freeze in horror and shame.

It’s 2018 and the monsters are back.

I know these monsters;

They killed me when I was five.

A black and white screenshot of avatars staged to represent a child alternate named Peter and protector alternate named Bobby.
A screenshot of avatars staged to represent a child alternate named Peter and protector alternate named Bobby.

All material on this page (c) Rob Goldstein 2016-2018

More info: What is an alternate?

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Trump, Roseanne, and Triggered Abuse Survivors

Tom Arnold was on The Anderson Cooper Show discussing ex-wife, Roseanne Barr.

Distressed and bewildered by her behavior, he blamed Donald Trump, saying,” Trump is triggering people with mental illnesses” and I agreed.

“I generally believe he thinks black people are dangerous and Mexicans are rapists,” Arnold said. “He believes that. As he perpetuates that fear to America, watch out Mueller is lying; he is after me. And so, Americans are sitting home like Roseanne and her fans, are like, oh my God, what is happening out there? And they get anxiety.” Tom Arnold

In 1991, Roseanne Barr came out as an incest survivor with DID.

A cover of People Magazine, 1991 with Roseanne Barr on the cover with the caption, I am an Incest Survivor B
Roseanne Barr on the cover of People Magazine 1991

I knew she was telling the truth when I read this:

“It’s like living in a maze. It’s like that old woman who keeps adding on to her house … But the parts don’t get along and some of them have some real strange ideas about how to defend ”  ABC News

When Roseanne Barr refers to her alternates as having ‘strange ways to defend’, she is referring to protector alternates and gatekeeper alternates.

Protector Alternates focus on perceived threats, and often find dependence, emotional needs and close relationships (attachment) threatening.

Gatekeeper Alternates control which alters take control of the body, and when.

Trauma and Dissociation

Pathological Narcissists are lethal to people with DID; I’m talking about dishonest and psychologically abusive men and women who invade our lives with chaos and lies and expect us to love them for it.

Animated Gif/Meme reading, "I think I'm adorable
found on GIPHY

Abusers use our trust to inflict damage on us and never apologize for it.

Abusers don’t want friends or lovers; they want hostages.

Found on GIPHY
Tell me you love me

People with DID share certain primary symptoms but each of us forms a
unique system of alternates.

I have two protectors but one of them is also a gatekeeper.

When I’m not on the Internet, I am someone named Matthew.

Matthew is a devout Catholic who has faith in human nature.

Matthew thinks pathological narcissism is an illness.

Matthew forgives the afflicted.

An animated gif of an ascending Jesus
Found on GIPHY

Another part of me has the opposite view.

That part is Bob.

Bob is the gatekeeper-protector.

Bob ‘took Matthew away’ from a ‘friend’ who has a long history
of lying to us.

‘Matthew’ knows she lies but he ignores it because he likes the
‘good’ in her.

‘Bob’ thinks she’s gaslighting, which he considers psychological abuse.

As Bob said in therapy this week, “I’m sick of this shit. Trump’s used up all
my patience for lying bitches and psychopaths.”

Matthew is morally conflicted.

This is Bob’s attitude toward Matthew:

animated gif found on giphy
found of GIPHY

This week Bob decided an apology for lying is a prerequisite for any
friend or president who wants to interact with Matthew.

He won’t let Matthew out to see his friend or answer her calls.

We didn’t know Bob had the power to keep the current host inside.

This is a new thing.

Is it a sign of health or a triggered response to the Psychopath in Chief ?

Animated Gif comparing Donald Trump and Charles Manson
Found on GIPHY

(c) Rob Goldstein 2018

I do not own the images in this post.

Please note: This post is not a defense of Roseann Barr’s behavior or comments.
Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior unless a patient is genuinely
out of control and in need of emergency services.

 

 

Dissociative Identity Disorder: Isolation and the Fear of Rejection

The internet truly does free the creative
mind.

I hear that my blog is interesting, creative,
provocative, and sometimes full of shit.

I’m OK with that.

I’m OK with rejections of my disembodied
selves and their ideas.

I like the idea of meeting with other bloggers
but dread the thought of doing it.

I’ve seen video of other patients with DID.

What does my DID look like in real-time?

How young do I act when Bobby is out; and how
feminine is my behavior when Sara is out?

Portrait of an avatar posed to illustrate a dissociative alternate named Sara
Sara, 2017

In real-time, people don’t see the idea.

Before my symptoms worsened in 2011, I enjoyed
giving parties; I had a large circle of friends: people
with whom I shared ideas.

Six years later, I am almost completely isolated;
I see my partner and my therapist.

I discuss the isolation in therapy and my therapist
and I agree that I need to do something about it.

But I don’t.

I stopped going to ‘therapy’ groups at Kaiser because
I felt laughed at and disbelieved.

Rejection is more painful and humiliating when you
see it in someone’s eyes.

Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

When it is Time to go to the Hospital: 11 Steps to Take Before and After Admission

I don’t do well in mental health settings.

I don’t look sick.

I don’t act like a ‘mental patient’.

Not all people with mental illness end up homeless and hallucinating
on the street.

I also have expectations.

I expect my treatment providers to be as passionate an advocate as I was
when I was a treatment provider.

If you have Dissociative Identity Disorder and you are you are about to enter treatment at a Behavioral Health facility it’s a good idea to prepare.

(1)

Don’t assume that behavioral health professionals are trained psychotherapists. Psychotherapy treats the mind. Behavioral Health treats behaviors.


(2)

If your primary treatment provider is an outside therapist, ask him or
her to communicate your treatment status and history to the facility.
All decisions regarding your stay should be made by your therapist.

(3)

Confirm that intake physician at the treatment facility has spoken to
your outside therapist after you arrive .

(4)

Ask if the staff knows how to treat dissociative symptoms.

(5)

If you have concerns about the quality of your treatment, speak to the
attending psychiatrist.

(6)

Do treat the staff with respect and consideration. Most people want
to do a good job.

(7)

Do tell the staff about suicidal thoughts or self-destructive alternates.

(8)

Discuss your physical health and if one is needed, ask for a physical.

(9)

If you are diabetic or have high blood pressure, ask the staff to check your blood pressure and sugar levels. Diabetes and high blood pressure affect mood.

(10)

Ask for a medication assessment.  Mention all unusual side effects or problems.

(11)

Don’t enter a hospital or day clinic alone. Ask your partner and friends to call and ask about your progress.  Make sure that you sign the releases the clinic needs to discuss your case with friends and family.

(c) Rob Goldstein 2017-2018

This post is specific to people with Dissociative and other Trauma
related disorders.

Some of this information may not apply to you.

More reading:

Advocacy for mental health: roles for consumer and family organizations and governments

The Importance of Self-Advocacy in Mental Health Recovery


The Self Advocacy Toolkit

stand up against stigma, no health without mental health

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