If I Drop Dead Today

Today was a painful day.

Tuesday is therapy day and therapy provokes anxiety.

I walk to all of my appointments and I don’t let anything
get in the way.

The panic attacks began as soon as I hit the morning
light and they didn’t stop.

At one point I could only take five or six slow steps at
a time.

I tried to stay in the shade.

I was in so much pain that I considered tossing myself
into traffic.

I avoided the underground because I was afraid
I’d switch and throw myself onto the tracks.

The thing is the panic attacks haven’t stopped.

I’m home and as soon as I move they start.

It’s horrible.

But there is the question: what if this isn’t panic.

Yes I’ve had my heart checked and yes my blood tests were
negative for heart disease but I wouldn’t be the first person
to drop dead for no clear reason.

So what if I die tonight? Do I have any last words?

Yes, I do.

I want to thank everyone who loved me; who saw talents
in me that my abuser taught me to ignore and hide.

I want to especially thank the poet, Harold Norse, who took
me on as a student and with whom I lived for five years.

He believed that I could discipline my mind and become a writer.

I want to thank my friend, Maria, who brought me out of Charleston
to Connecticut where I found my first taste of freedom in the small
town of New London.

I’m pleased that Maria remains on this planet and still calls me friend.

I want to thank my friend, Don, who was my first partner and whom
I now call Brother; I have always loved you.

Nothing will change that.

I want to thank my current Partner, James.

Whatever you do and wherever you go; know that our souls are one
and I am a prayer away.

My regret is that I did not live long enough to fully understand and edit
the writing I produced when I lived with Harold.

I am not the writer Harold thought I’d become.

I am the writer that I am.

That’s good enough for me.

Rob Goldstein (c) 2016 All Rights Reserved


10 Ways to Leave This World More Peacefully


In my previous post I suggested (gently and with music) people take time out of their lives to talk about death. Why? Because it’s the one thing we all have in common and yet, we’re doing it pretty poorly. We don’t talk about death because we’re afraid it might happen. Newsflash: It’s going to happen. We are all going to go sometime. If you talk about it you’re going to die, and if you don’t talk about it, you’re going to die. But if you discuss it your death could be easier for you and for everyone you love who cares about you.

Think this isn’t going to be a problem in your family? Think again. It’s a problem in way more families than you think. Even in the ones who least expect it. Death brings out the worst in people. While the battles are often motivated by money, greed…

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