He wore a filthy hospital gown; he had a couple of nametags
on each wrist.
I know he was medically cleared for discharge because patients don’t
leave locked psych units without a nurse to open the door.
They just don’t.
A trained physician sent a gravely disabled man to fend for himself on the streets of the Mission.
I am sick with a past I can’t remember in a present as abusive as the past.
My brain is a raging debate:
“That can’t be real.”
“It didn’t happen.”
I get confused.
from the Blind Owl
“All of life is made up of stories and tales.
I must press the cluster of grapes and pour its essence, spoon by spoon, down the dry throat of this old shadow. Because at this moment all my restless thoughts belong to here and now, it is difficult to know where to begin. My thoughts do not recognize any hour, minute or history.
For me, something that happened yesterday might be more ancient, or less effectual, than an event that took place a thousand years ago.
Perhaps the reason for the appearance of all these reminiscences is the fact that all my relations with the world of the living are now severed, past, future, hour, day, month, and year all have become the same. These stages make sense to the ordinary people, to the rabble—yes, that is the exact word I was looking for
—rabble with two b’s. These stages apply to the rabble because, like the seasons of the year, their lives have recognized divisions and limits and because they live in the temperate zone of life.
My life, on the other hand, my entire life, has had one season and one state. Even though a constant flame burns in the center of my body and, like a candle, melts me away, my life is in a cold zone, in eternal darkness.
Dissociative identity disorder is a childhood onset, complex-post traumatic disorder in which the child is unable to consolidate a unified sense of self. Detachment from emotional and physical pain during repeated traumatic events results in alterations in the way the brain encodes memory. This leads to fragmentation and gaps in memory. Exposure to repeated abuse in early childhood results in the creation of discrete behavioral states that can persist over later development, and evolve into the alternate identities of dissociative identity disorder. The Mayo Clinic
This morning as my partner left for his weekly visit to his ailing Mother he said, “I love all of you.”
I sat as wave after wave of love, pain, gratitude and fear passed over me, then I said, “We love you to.”
I am not an easy man to live with.
One must be willing to live with constant self-examination and bluntly stated opinions.
Eight years later, I am someone new. I accept the DID, I accept the violence
that caused it and I accept that I was gifted with a mind that went to extraordinary lengths to keep itself alive.
I am proof of the existence of the human mind and the will to survive and thrive.
To ‘Seal Over’
At the long-term psychiatric hospital where I worked in the early 1970’s, we
used the term ‘sealed over’ to describe a patient who is skilled at hiding
Most of us must learn to ‘seal over’ everyday distress and anxiety as a
skill of daily living.
Healthy people don’t often consider the energy and skill it takes to interact
socially and succeed in our careers.
An illness that impairs social skill is crippling.
We don’t think about what it means to lose our health and ability to work
until we must think about it.
What is Healthy?
I define ‘healthy’ as striving to become an informed citizen, having a balanced sense of humility, respect for the rights of others, a sense of compassion, and respect for life; which means the born, the fundamental right of all children to food, shelter, education, safe cities and schools.
I define healthy as doing my best to pull my weight; which means using my skills to dispel the lies that make it hard for people with DID to get the right treatment.
Mental Illness is Not an Act.
There are thousands of easier ways to get attention: one can write a good novel, produce a brilliant portfolio of art, write moving poetry, become a skilled surgeon, strive for excellence at any job that affirms your humanity.
If I’m trying to get your attention by destroying my life in public it means I’m sick.
A man who has to shoot schoolchildren to slake his rage is sick.
The question is not why people have mental illnesses, the question is why Americans collectively refuse to recognize mental illness as a set of real and
I cannot ‘think’ my way through DID or Bi-Polar illness.
Mental Illness is not a choice and the ‘well’ make it easy for the ‘sick’ to choose isolation.
Getting well in a sick world
I had the worst possible parents in the worst possible neighborhood in one of the most institutionally abusive and violently racist cities of the United States in the 1960’s, and yet I entered adulthood with a fundamental sense of right and wrong, and a fundamental understanding of our political system.
I was broken in a dozen different ways but I knew it was wrong to lie.
I knew it was wrong to hurt people.
I knew it was wrong to abuse the weak and innocent.
In that, I am healthier than 39% of the American people.
What does it mean to be well with DID.
Being well with DID means that I’m still in pain, raw and uncertain. I’m still anxious and often panic-stricken. But it also means I’m alive as I am supposed to be and better at managing symptoms. It means always searching for new skills and better ways to be healthy.