Switching Stations – Reruns

This was published a few days ago as La-De-Da etc; a title I despised.
I’m posting out of sync with myself which means I have to go back and
revise things after they’re live; my apologies for the confusion.

(Lights up; we are aboard the Starship Enterprise.)

Eddie Albert:  When I agreed to Green Acres, I said to the writers, no livestock; well they paid no attention and wouldn’t ya know the first thing they did-

Eva Gabor: Dahling, you promised not to trash Arnold.

Batman: Was it 1968–or 69 (Laugh track) when Playboy published that filthy article about the homoerotic implications of my relationship with Dick?  As if I would subject little Dick Grayson to a bat-grope!

Eddie Albert: In the very first script was a pig that was smarter than me! Not only was it smarter; that pig was loved!

Eva Gabor: I love you Oliver. (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: Lisa, it’s not the same!

Eva Gabor: How is it different Dahling?

Robin: At first I was clumsy on the bat pole (laugh track) but after a few lessons I was ready to jump that stick all day! (Laugh Track)

Batman: Now cut that out! (Laugh track)

Robin: Horny Norwegian wood, Batman! What’d I say? (Pause)  So, I arrive at Wayne Manor and Bruce gives me a cape!

Batman: Not any old cape, Robin!

Robin: That’s right, Batman! It was cute and yellow and stopped just short of my tight but straight little butt! (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: That pig was not only smarter than me! He made more money! Just thinking about it makes me–

Eva Gabor:  Let’s go to Rome, Dahling.

Eva Gabor: We don’t have that kind of money, Lisa.  For God’s sake, look at this ship!

Eva Gabor: Ve can go back to Manhattan, Dahling. You can practice law.

(Enter Arnold the Pig.)

Robin: (stunned by Arnold) Holy heart failure, Batman!

Arnold the Pig: GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: (To Arnold) He didn’t get his hotscakes this morning and he’s a perfect beast, no offense, dahling.

Arnold the Pig:  (leaps onto a chair and looks up at Eva.) GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: There Dahling.  (Eva switches on a television and we hear the five beat introduction to Green Acres. Eva suddenly notices Batman and Robin.) Who are you? (To Eddie Albert) Olivah? Who are zey?

Eddie Albert:  Say, are you fellows gay? These are the 60’s. You can’t wear tights until the 80’s.

Batman: Now hold on!

Robin: Holy harshin, Mr. Douglas!

Eva Gabor: They look like such nice boys! Do stay and have some hotscakes!

Batman: (With a slight Southern drawl) We’d like to Mrs. Douglas, but we got to get Arnold home and dressed in time for the weddin’.

Eddie Arnold: Weddin’? WHAT WEDDIN’?

Arnold the Pig: (Jumps up and saunters over to Batman) GRUNT?

Eva Gabor: Arnold’s getting married to Jethrine up in Oxford. (Eva flirts with Batman and Robin)  Those capes are darling, Olivah, why don’t you wear a cape?

Eddie Albert: I’m not gay, Lisa.

Eva Gabor: Are you sure, dahling?

Robin: Well, we’ll be seeinya Mrs. Douglas. C’mon Arnold.

Arnold the Pig. (To Eddie Albert) HA! – GRUNT!

(Lights out)

(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

 

Next Week:

 

The Attack of the Hank Kimballs

A virtual reality shot depicting Lisa and Oliver Douglas from Green Acres under attack on the Starship Enterprise by the Hank Kimballs
Lisa and Oliver are thrown from their hay stacks after the Hank Kimballs launch a series of photon digressions.

The Hank Kimballs: Gee Mr. Douglas–resistance is futile. Well maybe not futile…more like frustrating…or at least difficult. I would say more than difficult but less than frustrating but not so frustrating as to be futile–say! Maybe resistance IS futile.

Life at the Bottom of the Sea

Mr. Toad, come to life, whisper
something dear; there’s a devil
on
the headboard, he

sways and strokes

his beard.

Digital abstract made by layering digital photographs made in virtual reality
There’s a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea

On a lump of the branch through the
bog of a brain in hole at the bottom

of the sea

Mr.Toad is lost

to

lost treasure.

The devil sez, “Do you recognize the World,
Mr. Toad?”

“No,” says Mr. Toad.

The devil sez, “Then you ain’t going nowhere.”

We sing the blues and get a bowl of oatmeal.

Life at the bottom of the sea means three hots
and a laxative.

Every so often a guard swims down to tease
us with air.

“Hey fag,” says the guard. “How’d you
like this bubbling up yer butt?”

We smile and speak of rock stars
and world politics.

Our lips shimmer with fear.

Rob Goldstein © 2017   

 

Civilisation

Civilization is a word for people living a civilized life, being civil. Civilization must surely mean peace

Making it write

strategies

Amidst the towering rocks and speckled sand, far beyond our village, scattered, dust-clothed debris hunkers, the meaning of each piece a mystery to be puzzled over.

The old ones tell tales that have been passed down through generations. No doubt, with each telling, some details have shrunk, while others have swelled..

They speak of a long-lost existence called civilisation; a way of being that was better than this. They say there are clues in the artefacts that rust and decay in the sun and rain. They say these are scraps of something called machine, which made life easy, and that something called electron made it fun. Furthermore, humankind once had the voices of giants, which could be heard from the place where the sun rises all the way to where it sets. They had wings to fly high up in the sky, even to the stars.

They claim that those…

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