Switching Stations: Snagged on a Run in the Hosiery of Time

 

Tonight’s Cast of Characters:

John Steed as Captain Mach 10
Zsa Zsa Gabor as Leesa
Newt Gingrich as Queen Stretchmark I
Sean Hannity as Simp the Oracle
Clint Eastwood as Gore Vidal and
Gomer Pye U.S.M.C. as Aryan #5

Illustration based on a digital photograph staged in virtual reality that depicts a male and female avatar dressed in star-fleet costumes posing side by side
Captain Mach 10 with First mate, Trish

Stardate 90210.1. Dear Diary, the Chachka entered the arousing Areola Nebula at 0.100 and now we are trapped in a rope of unknown origin. I’ve ordered First Mate Leesa to steady the helm: she does her best:

Leesa: The ship won’t steer, dah-ling!

Mach Ten: What kind of rope is this?

Leesa: Humidity reads high, dah-ling!

Mach Ten: So sheer! So snug! Change course 32º mark nine zero two one zero!

Leesa: Course changed 32º mark nine zero two one zero, dah-ling.

(A horn blares followed by the sound of a crash. Leesa and Mach Ten reel from one side of the ship to the other. All goes quiet; we see Leesa’s breasts followed by a wide-angle shot of the Chachka’s interior. The decor is Chinese modern with a great big Chinese coffee table to accent a huge coral sofa with bright green cushions.  The helm is really just an alcove with a curved wall.)

Leesa: (tugs the hem of her uniform) Humidity reads normal, dah-ling.

Mach Ten: (Opens a quadraphonic space-map.) Where in the Areola are we?

Leesa: (Her beauty is unperturbed) Let me see, Dah-ling. (She pours herself over the map) I think we are in the Rayon Belt.

(The ship is suddenly filled with the sound of screeching  feedback followed by the amplified voice of Queen Stretch Mark I.)

Illustration based on a photo staged in virtual reality that depicts an African-American Avatar as the character of Queen Stretchmark I.
Queen Stretchmark I

Queen Stretchmark I: FEDERATION PRUDES! YOU HAVE WANDERED INTO MY LATEX FIELDS! YOU ARE ENMESHED! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! A HIGHLY TRAINED ARYAN SLAVE BOY WHOSE SMOOTH LEGS AND BULGING JUNK IS READILY VISIBLE IN HIS RED TIGHTY WHITIES WILL BE BOARD YOUR SHIP TO ACCEPT YOUR UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER.

Mach Ten: (Shaking his fist) YOU LIBERTINE TYRANT!

Queen Stretchmark I: YOU AMUSE ME CAPTAIN. I HAVE HEARD MUCH ABOUT THE PERSNICKETY MACH TEN AND HIS CONFLICTED SEXUALITY. ENOUGH! YOU
WILL BE BROUGHT TO THE SHEER SURFACE OF MY LATEX PLANET.

Leesa:
I’ve always been a bit bi-curious about this Queen, Dah-ling.

Mach Ten: She’s seductive and deadly. We’d best do as she says

(Chimes. Aryan#5 appears on deck.)

  Mach Ten: Oh the pain, the pain…

(Petroleum waves crash onto a Lycra shore. White spandex clouds drift above a rubber mountain. Cut to the Queens Throne room. Snow white carpets make a stunning background for pie-crust tables. Corner cabinets, all chiseled out and painted a lovely pink show off wedge wood and Chinese things. There are couches with deep soft cushions in which one can curl up and get lost. To the Queen’s left is Simp the Oracle; to her right is Gore Vidal. both men wear nothing but bicycle tights. Enter Aryan#5 with Leesa; an arm laced behind her back, a lock of blond hair lingers on her forehead to suggest a struggle.)

 

Illustration based on a photo staged in virtual reality that depicts an African-American Avatar as the character of Aryan #5
Aryan #5

Aryan #5: Howdy ur Haighness!

Queen Stretchmark I: Where is the male?

Aryan #5: He’s a feisty little feller–

Leesa: No! Oh Pleaze, dahling! These silk cords, they feel so tight!

Queen Stretchmark I: Silence! Why have you come to my planet?

Leesa: You trapped us in a huge pair of cheap intergalactic stockings
and brought us here you silly old queen!

Queen: Ha! You’ve come to bring reason to my planet! Reason kills!
Kill them!

Leesa: Getta clue, dahling! We’re the most unreasonable species in
the universe.

(Simp the Oracle giggles and winks at Leesa; Leesa winks back)

Gore Vidal: My dear, I think you were snagged on a run in the hosiery of time.

Leesa: (Rolls her eyes) Thank you for stealing my line!

Queen Stretchmark I: Call the male!

Aryan #5: Su-prise, su-prise, su-prise!

Queen Stretchmark I: (In a determined whisper) He’ll play dress up! I’ll make him!

To be continued….

Illustration based on a photo staged in virtual reality that depicts my alternates, Bobby and Matthew watching the physical me read Antonin Artaud
Next Week on Mach 10

Next week on ‘Mach Ten’:

Mach Ten: How is it you people speak English?

Aryan  24:  We’re so smart ur species little pea pickin’ brains couldn’t understand
us so’s when the Queen got here we scanned his brain and saw what was in it.

Mr. Haney: What you see is what you think, Mr. Mach Ten! Hey! Can ah interest you
in a book?


(c) Rob Goldstein 2018 All Rights Reserved

 

 

 

 

 

 

Switching Stations – Reruns

This was published a few days ago as La-De-Da etc; a title I despised.
I’m posting out of sync with myself which means I have to go back and
revise things after they’re live; my apologies for the confusion.

(Lights up; we are aboard the Starship Enterprise.)

Eddie Albert:  When I agreed to Green Acres, I said to the writers, no livestock; well they paid no attention and wouldn’t ya know the first thing they did-

Eva Gabor: Dahling, you promised not to trash Arnold.

Batman: Was it 1968–or 69 (Laugh track) when Playboy published that filthy article about the homoerotic implications of my relationship with Dick?  As if I would subject little Dick Grayson to a bat-grope!

Eddie Albert: In the very first script was a pig that was smarter than me! Not only was it smarter; that pig was loved!

Eva Gabor: I love you Oliver. (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: Lisa, it’s not the same!

Eva Gabor: How is it different Dahling?

Robin: At first I was clumsy on the bat pole (laugh track) but after a few lessons I was ready to jump that stick all day! (Laugh Track)

Batman: Now cut that out! (Laugh track)

Robin: Horny Norwegian wood, Batman! What’d I say? (Pause)  So, I arrive at Wayne Manor and Bruce gives me a cape!

Batman: Not any old cape, Robin!

Robin: That’s right, Batman! It was cute and yellow and stopped just short of my tight but straight little butt! (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: That pig was not only smarter than me! He made more money! Just thinking about it makes me–

Eva Gabor:  Let’s go to Rome, Dahling.

Eva Gabor: We don’t have that kind of money, Lisa.  For God’s sake, look at this ship!

Eva Gabor: Ve can go back to Manhattan, Dahling. You can practice law.

(Enter Arnold the Pig.)

Robin: (stunned by Arnold) Holy heart failure, Batman!

Arnold the Pig: GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: (To Arnold) He didn’t get his hotscakes this morning and he’s a perfect beast, no offense, dahling.

Arnold the Pig:  (leaps onto a chair and looks up at Eva.) GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: There Dahling.  (Eva switches on a television and we hear the five beat introduction to Green Acres. Eva suddenly notices Batman and Robin.) Who are you? (To Eddie Albert) Olivah? Who are zey?

Eddie Albert:  Say, are you fellows gay? These are the 60’s. You can’t wear tights until the 80’s.

Batman: Now hold on!

Robin: Holy harshin, Mr. Douglas!

Eva Gabor: They look like such nice boys! Do stay and have some hotscakes!

Batman: (With a slight Southern drawl) We’d like to Mrs. Douglas, but we got to get Arnold home and dressed in time for the weddin’.

Eddie Arnold: Weddin’? WHAT WEDDIN’?

Arnold the Pig: (Jumps up and saunters over to Batman) GRUNT?

Eva Gabor: Arnold’s getting married to Jethrine up in Oxford. (Eva flirts with Batman and Robin)  Those capes are darling, Olivah, why don’t you wear a cape?

Eddie Albert: I’m not gay, Lisa.

Eva Gabor: Are you sure, dahling?

Robin: Well, we’ll be seeinya Mrs. Douglas. C’mon Arnold.

Arnold the Pig. (To Eddie Albert) HA! – GRUNT!

(Lights out)

(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

 

Next Week:

 

The Attack of the Hank Kimballs

A virtual reality shot depicting Lisa and Oliver Douglas from Green Acres under attack on the Starship Enterprise by the Hank Kimballs
Lisa and Oliver are thrown from their hay stacks after the Hank Kimballs launch a series of photon digressions.

The Hank Kimballs: Gee Mr. Douglas–resistance is futile. Well maybe not futile…more like frustrating…or at least difficult. I would say more than difficult but less than frustrating but not so frustrating as to be futile–say! Maybe resistance IS futile.

The Pervert

The internet archives is bursting with funny video mashups.

The pervert is a video mashup that opens with a late 1950’s
film against the evils of pornography.

It illustrates the film’s pro-censorship stance from a hilariously
modern point of view.

“We know that once a person is perverted, it is impossible for that person to adjust to normal attitudes toward Sex.” Perversion for Profit

The Pervert
by Adam Rosenberg
Prelinger Archive Mashups