My Mother wasn’t allowed to have a mental illness.
As an infant I was left at the mercy of a woman whose family
knew she was beating me.
The crime of moral exclusion is essentially a crime by consensus.
The perps hide behind the sanitized language of noble sounding
“They are food insecure.”
“We are protecting their rights.”
American Voters say they don’t believe in a country that let’s children starve
but they keep voting for perps who are fine with it.
If the life of a high school student or migrant child isn’t as sacred as the life of a fetus, no life is sacred and what you really want is control.
Pro-life gives all kids an equal chance to grow up to be their best.
Marching children into lives of pain and ignorance is child abuse.
For all the joy I’ve had, I’m sorry I was born.
This is no bid for sympathy.
This is no statement of intent.
This is the sadness of a man whose had a profound confrontation with evil.
People who sacrifice children to ideology are evil.
I will never understand how my Mother’s family decided to let to suffer.
I was an infant.
Why was the ‘shame’ of my Mother’s mental illness worse than the murder
of my future?
How I do I forgive this?
In a sense, turning my blog into an account of my life as a person with DID carries the same risk as confessional poetry.
One’s life is open to inspection, misinterpretation, censorship and the out right demand by some people to shut-up.
I often wonder if the people who admire the poetry of Sylvia Plath feel her rage and psychic pain:
“In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend
Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.
It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene
An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.
The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.
I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You——
Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.
You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who
Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.
I saw a guy on Valencia Street last Friday.
He wore a filthy hospital gown; he had a couple of name tags
on each wrist.
I know he was medically cleared for discharge because patients don’t
leave locked psych units without a nurse to open the door.
They just don’t.
A trained physician sent a gravely disabled man to fend for himself on the streets of the Mission.
I am sick with a past I can’t remember, in a present as abusive as the past.
My brain is a raging debate:
“That can’t be real.”
“It didn’t happen.”
I get confused.
from the Blind Owl by Sadegh Hedayat
“All of life is made up of stories and tales.
I must press the cluster of grapes and pour its essence, spoon by spoon, down the dry throat of this old shadow. Because at this moment all my restless thoughts belong to here and now, it is difficult to know where to begin. My thoughts do not recognize any hour, minute or history.
For me, something that happened yesterday might be more ancient, or less effectual, than an event that took place a thousand years ago.
Perhaps the reason for the appearance of all these reminiscences is the fact that all my relations with the world of the living are now severed, past, future, hour, day, month, and year all have become the same. These stages make sense to the ordinary people, to the rabble—yes, that is the exact word I was looking for
—rabble with two b’s. These stages apply to the rabble because, like the seasons of the year, their lives have recognized divisions and limits and because they live in the temperate zone of life.
My life, on the other hand, my entire life, has had one season and one state. Even though a constant flame burns in the center of my body and, like a candle, melts me away, my life is in a cold zone, in eternal darkness.
I try to apply the corrective lens of reason to everything I think and feel.
Is something or someone good or bad?
How do I know?
What is DID?
It is relentless fear and confusion.
It is a longing for respite.
It is a cry of despair in a world that normalizes abuse.
(c) Rob Goldstein 2015-2017-2018 Revised 10/07/2018