Blogging While Dissociated

Stigma is a prefabricated negative assessment of a class of people
based on lies.

Internalized stigma destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.

People who believe they are unworthy expect less and accept less.

Do I feel shame over my illness?

Sure.

But I don’t live there.

I remind myself that my culture has lied about people like me my entire life.

Everything it had to say about gay and bisexual men was a lie.

The only way to deal with institutional bullying is for the target to say no.

But it’s not enough to say no.

Before I move on to the point of this post I need to make the following disclaimers:

I don’t speak for everyone who has a dissociative disorder.

I am not an authority on dissociative disorders.

I don’t speak for everyone who has a mental illness.

I speak my mind without consideration for political affiliation.

I do not adhere to a political party or creed.

I don’t expect people to be perfect, but I do expect them to practice
what they preach.

If you are a Republican or Democrat who places your duty as a citizen above political party and religious dogma you have my complete support.

And to all of the no nothing skeptics who think they have the right to judge me I make the following statement:

You are not required to believe I exist; I do exist and I’m not shy about it.

People Like Me
The Narrator and Mateo

My subjective experience of DID is simply that of losing time and memory.

My first response to any gap in memory is to try to fill it in with what I think may have happened.

This sometimes makes it look like I’m lying, but it’s really trying to fill the
missing time.

This may be more obvious on social networks than in daily life.

The people in my daily life respond to the alters but don’t call them by name.

Bobby had a chat this morning with the landlady.

She enjoys his sense of play.

The alters come and go without being noticed by people who don’t live with me; they never announce themselves and they all think of themselves as the “real” me.

All parts of me are loyal and all parts of me remember people who treat
them well.

I don’t have alternates that secretly troll, hack or seek to hurt other people.

In fact, my alternates will unite out of love for someone.

I recall a set of interesting questions I got when I won a Leibster award in 2014.

Here is how I would answer some of those questions today.

Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging in the fall of 2013. I tried to blog for a few weeks but didn’t have the focus or confidence, so I shut down the blog.

In the fall of 2014 I discovered a network of mental health advocates on WordPress. Reading their blogs  gave me a sense of focus; in September of 2014 I re-opened the blog with The Chat.

I blog as a way to communicate with my therapist, but I know that publicly documenting a process so personal is a political act.

What has surprised you most about blogging?

That people support me and read my blog. I know I’m not a power blogger but I’m pleased that so many people read me so consistently.

What one thing would you change about your current life?

I want to have better symptom management skills.

What is one special thing from your childhood that you treasure?

My memories of my Grandmother.

What is one of your favorite things to do and why?

It depends.

My alternates have their own focus. Mateo likes to build computers, Bobby likes to listen to music, Matthew is interested in religion, and I am interested in politics.

Most of my political stance is based on life experience.

I consider it cowardly to be silent about economic and social policies that are designed to destroy people.

I think of my mind as proof of the human spirit.

It’s a quantum mind with different versions of me living
on separate timelines.

It offends me that HMO’s treat the brain like a second-rate organ.

I am a man of faith but I don’t believe in organized religion.

Our species has the gift of reason and when we use it we can see the mysterious.

Albert Einstein said;

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead —his eyes are closed. The insight into the mystery of life, coupled though it be with fear, has also given rise to religion. To know what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their most primitive forms—this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness.”

Albert Einstein, Living Philosophies

That is one of the most spiritual comments I’ve read.

Look at evidence of the Quantum Universe and understand that what we call God is everywhere.

We may exist only because only because we think we do.

That doesn’t make our lives less sacred or meaningful.

A digital portrait of a dissociative alternate named Bobby. The photo was taken by a different alternate named Mateo
Portrait of Bobby, 2012 – signed by Mateo before we started using a common name.

 

(c) Rob Goldstein (c) 2015 All Rights Reserved.

First posted May, 31, 2015

MRI Scan in the header from Wiki Commons

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Softly by the spoonful

from he Feathered Sleep

TheFeatheredSleep

33879402735_73c9d87faf_kThere exist still

people who were born when the world

like a split fig, bequeathing aubergine center

was half the size

in a fabled time when

individuals could be appreciated

for more than their overt strip-tease

hot and pulsing on flashy poles oiled by media

consumption

my grandmother

with her perfect straight teeth

and flossy hair refusing to be tamed

called a beauty in her day

would never have held up now

a corn maiden left to rot in untended field

days then, of gentle reproaching and

beguiling unknown

how intoxicate to consider, what you cannot reach

where now, less possesses such mystery

in its hoard of foil

than generations guarding jailers keys to reaching secrets

you could think all your life you were set

in one direction like weather vane, divining nature

and upon the death-bed of your elders, find out

nothing you rolled in your palm, was true

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Thank You, Treatment Team

FIGHT STIGMA – THERE IS HOPE

Kitt O'Malley

Photos of my treatment team: Alex Michelson, MD; Brynne Lum, LMFT; My Family (son and husband)

Assuming that my therapist, Brynne Lum, LMFT, was not available (she’s very popular), I called my psychiatrist to see if he was available. He was! Yay!

Alex Michelson, MD saw me, listened to me, and reassured me that it sounds like I’m exhausted, which is understandable considering all that I’ve done in the last year and a half.

Brynne happened to be there when I visited, and I learned that she had a cancellation next week. Double yay! Now I don’t have to wait until the end of the month to see her.

Dr. Michelson reminded me that group therapy was always available for me to rejoin.

Anyway, before I got through to my team, I decided to take a couple of days off. Not exactly on a nature retreat. Just staying in a local hotel overlooking our local toll road (which is LOUD). Not as nice as I…

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The last

from Candice Louisa Daquin

TheFeatheredSleep

250px-Scared_Child_at_NighttimeNothing is always a hard and fast rule or outcome

we cannot predict as well as we might think

divining over two sticks to find the source

I know this as I know my own heartbeat

for myself and many others

not having children makes you hold onto yourself too much

you value the debris and memories and fixtures of your past

with emotional microscope, unable to grow beyond reflection

as if they were your child’s blanket, your child’s first tooth

you look at self portraits

feeling the emotion a little less of love approximating love

self-love isn’t always narcissism

it reduces however like a sauce

until there is less than more

while loving another expands

until it lifts us off our feet and sends us into the air

that kind of love frees us from preoccupation

obsessing and writing ourselves over and over

this is my life, this is…

View original post 603 more words