Broken

This post was first written and posted in November of 2014.

I was battling with the Kaiser Mental Health System and
struggling to understand what I needed to heal.

I got what I needed. Many people don’t.

 

1.
I’m in a strange frame of mind over this struggle with my health care provider.
It frightens me and the fear spills out everywhere.
I know that I have to file a grievance but the conflict over it is painful.
I look for someone or something else to blame; something not caused by a corrupt health care system that forces its patients to file grievances to get the treatment they need.
I keep thinking that I have survived this far because the part of my brain that isn’t damaged functions very well.
I have a mental health background that includes an understanding of psychodynamic psychotherapy.
I wonder how someone without this background and insight would manage an illness as confusing and destructive as Dissociative identity Disorder under the same circumstances.
The most insidious aspect of corruption is the way it insinuates itself into every day life.
It’s like a malignant spirit.
We feel sickness but we normalize it; especially, if the negative consequences seem incidental, petty or better, don’t seem to apply to us.
What happens to the mind of a man who sees the pain caused by our political and social corruption everywhere he looks?
Do other people see it too?
Does it make them feel crazy too?
And the corruption is arrogant.
It presumes weakness.
It presumes apathy.
It knows that people prefer to do nothing;
especially over things that seem small.
Like making us sign a form and mail it back to opt out of corporate data sharing.
Corruption corrupts everything, one small thing at a time.
It is insidious as it breaks our spirits and poisons our bodies.
But who am I?
I’m one of God’s nobodies.
I don’t do much of anything really,
I read, I write, I like to take pictures.
My passion in life is social justice and to that end I am still a bit of an activist.
I love the field of psychiatry though I don’t have a degree.
I have worked in that field as a paraprofessional and my greatest joy was to see people discover their humanity: the emotional insight of being worthy.
That feeling is important to people.
It is the food of the soul.
2.
When we speak of the spirit of the times, we speak of the passions of the people.
Like this picture that I found at the internet archives:


Freedom of Worship

As I understand the history of World War Two, the average person in the United States believed that he or she was fighting to preserve a way of life based on respect for independent thought and speech,  religious differences, basic economic security, and freedom from war.
In his January 1941 State of the Union Address President Franklin D. Roosevelt enumerated four essential freedoms for which we as a Nation stand and for which we will fight.
“The first is freedom of speech and expression—everywhere in the world.
The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way–everywhere in the world.
The third is freedom from want—which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings, which will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants—everywhere in the world.
The fourth is freedom from fear—which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor—anywhere in the world.”
The inescapable fact is that in 1941 the nation went to war with human evil as it was expressed in Germany by the Nazis.
Two very different versions of civilization had emerged after World War 1 and they had to clash.
U.S propaganda focused on human rights:

Before The Idea of Government was Demonized

German  propaganda focused on fear:

Antisemitic propaganda

The first poster presents freedom from want and a degree of economic security as a measure of freedom.
The second poster focuses on freedom from reason.
It is the freedom to blame, scapegoat, steal, and murder.
It is a world without negative consequences for the “right” people.
It is a world in which the state can legalize murder and use assembly line technology as the weapon of choice.
It is a world of people who believe that what they pretend they don’t know makes them innocent.
3.
What is faith?
I ask myself this as I contemplate the grievance I have to file to get the treatment I need to make this pain go away.
Why don’t my treatment providers care that I’m in pain.
Why haven’t they studied this disorder and acted on its seriousness?
Why don’t they care that I must live in fear of myself as I use every skill I have to survive the increased fragmentation that is essential to getting well but is dangerous because of  the resistance and anger by some of my alternates?
Why do I have to do something as negative as file a grievance?
What am I “grieving”?
Maybe I’m grieving the time that I’m losing to my illness as I contemplate filing a grievance.
In the cynical version of history Roosevelt lied; cynics look at that generation of people and point to the racism, the homophobia, and they are right.
The people who followed a president into a war based on the premise of  the preservation of essential human rights were flawed.
But they tried.
Hope is what gave birth to the Civil Rights Movement.
The idea that we as a Nation of people will talk to each other and listen, and the idea we will use our economic system and government to realize a vision in which each of us benefits from the creative wonder of the human mind.
Good and evil is always right where we stand.
We cannot defeat evil but we can regulate it and be alert to its seductive power.
I suppose that what I cannot understand is why I feel as if I’m living in a world that refuses to even try.

(c) Rob Goldstein 2014 All Rights Reserved

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