38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
“Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person.” Albert Einstein
Header image “The Conductor” (c) Rob Goldstein 2018
First published 2014-Revised October 2018
The patients’ job in intensive psychotherapy is to ask why.
Why do I seek out women who are devoid of the capacity for love?
Why do I veer from an extreme identification with the middle class to an extreme identification with the poor?
Why do I force myself to fail economically just as I get closest to winning?
Why do I sometimes behave as if I hate myself?
None of the intellectual and political constructions that served me as gay activist in the 1970’s could defeat the internalized homophobia unleashed by AIDS.
I watched men die from grief, self-hatred, and fear and I was nearly one of them.
This was when I realized the true function of any ‘ism’ is to convince the target to self-destruct.
This was why any novel written about gays before Stonewall usually ended with suicide or the impoverished death of the gay character.
AIDS was the greatest tragic ending, infused with the dissonant myth of a loving, yet vengeful God.
Internalized homophobia was the least of my problems.
AIDS was trauma on trauma.
I didn’t know I had a dissociative disorder.
I was living in the worst possible place at the worst possible time
for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Any spot on my arm sent me into panic, so much, so I became a frequent
flyer at the local crisis clinics.
The shrinks eventually gave me a prescription for Xanax.
The only thing I knew about Xanax was it made the fear go away.
The pharmaceutical industry reported Xanax had an anti-depressant effect.
By 1986 I was on a prescribed dose of eight milligrams a day.
A seizure when I decided to stop the drug was how I learned Xanax is addictive.
My DID allows parts of me to form attachments while protecting the parts that are fragile and afraid.
One goal of my treatment is for me to learn to trust a woman.
This process of building trust with a woman who wants what’s best for me and who acts in my interests is a path to becoming whole.
As I enter my 8th year of intensive psychotherapy, the questions I must
ask are less confounding.
When I entered treatment in October of 2011, I felt like a helpless child.
It is now October 2018.
I feel more whole.
(c) Rob Goldstein 2015-2018
The Photo of Xanax found on Google Images
First posted November 1, 2015-updated November 8, 2017 – Rewritten and Updated October 21, 2018