“Harvest Moon” from ‘Unplugged’ by Neil Young
Released: 1993. Track 9.
Tag: #robertgodstein.com
I Live in Your Grave
Emptiness: a beginning and we are at war. That night we entered your womb; a deformed thing joined at the head: we would spit on you but you are dead and now I must drag your body; you are dead and I must sever your carcass from my skull.
Emptiness: an ending and I am your hostage; strapped to my seat, fearful, sweating, and terrified that I’m next.
Does this ecstasy of death include me?
I am death’s hostage; why does she ask me to join her when she cannot
say she wants me: when she will not give me the value of my life!
Who tallies the value of my life if not she?
Who is responsible for this relentless self-loathing?
You tell me I must love you as hatred seeps from your spirit into mine.
The pursuit of emptiness begins with the fabrication of a perfect lie,
honed to truth, and brutal in its deceptive honesty.
I must bear the humiliation of kneeling to beastliness.
Words and Text (c)Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved
My Many Several Selves
Dissociative alternates are a bit like imaginary friends.
The difference is that an alternate has its own life and its own way of being.
Alternates can be babies, children, teens, male, female or objects.
Very young alternates may have the limited verbal skills of a toddler.
Some people with DID have alternates that speak different languages, have different talents and even different physical abilities and handicaps.
One of my alternates is very old.
He has always been very old.
When he is out my joints hurt, my body is stiff and it
is painful for me to walk..
The teen alternate named Bobby is 16.
When he is out the body has the flexibility and vigor of a 16-year-old.
When psychotherapy is successful the alternates become more aware of each other and learn to collaborate.
Even so, the alters still come out spontaneously.
I have at least six alternates that use Second Life.
The alternates that use Second Life us it as a form of recreation.
They have no interest in the other members, in part because my alternates are not role plays in a computer game.
Second Life is an extension of our inner world.
The whole point of an inner world is that it’s private.
Sara is the oldest alternate and is the protector.
She is very protective of the younger alternates and of
children in general.
She use virtual reality to play dress up which is exactly what
she did when the body was a child.
Sara is a huge fan of Julie London and Morgana King.
Felicity uses Sara’s account.
She enjoys using erotic animations and elaborate costumes. She also writes poetry and erotic short stories.
She likes House music, Grace Jones, Madonna and Britney Spears.
Bobby is a teen.
He age slides from 14 to 20.
Bobby listens to deadmau5, Blackalicious and Dj Shadow
Bob is an older version of Bobby.
He rarely uses Virtual Reality but when he does it’s for horseback riding.
Bob listens to Bluegrass and Classic Rock
Rob is the writer and editor.
He is obsessed with poetry and art will remove anyone
who gets that gets in the way of his work.
Rob listens to folk music and 60’s pop.
The Narrator is responsible for co-coordinating the different stories
and making sense of them.
He uses Virtual Reality to make illustrations for our writings.
The Narrator listens to 90’s rock.
Mateo is the only heterosexual male.
He is also strongly identified with the Black and Latino communities,
probably as a result of witnessing the violent racism of our childhood.
Mateo likes Jazz, Motown and soul…he also likes to use Virtual Reality
to dance at nigh clubs.
Mateo decided in 2009 to take over the body and live in VR.
He wanted his own life, hooked up with a woman and started a Jazz Club.
The result was a decompensation that resulted in complete disability.
Loleeta is a male who refers to himself in his writing as female.
Loleeta is depressed, anxious, angry and suicidal. Of all of my alternates he is the one I fear the most because he is the most self-destructive and self loathing. He likes Metal and Goth.
Matthew is the most recent alternate. He was born in 1992.
Matthew is a devout Catholic and was accepted to the Franciscans in 1993.
He did not become a Franciscan.
He met a partner and has been in that relationship for over 20 years. He is the one who sought therapy — He rarely uses Virtual Reality.
He likes songs about Faith.
Robby and Peter are my child alters.
Robby is four and Peter age slides between six and sixteen.
Peter only listen to Classical music.
The difference between an “inner kid” and a DID kid is that DID kids are like real kids; they are autonomous and their behavior is not mediated by the adult selves.
Peter knows that the body is an adult.
Robby doesn’t know.
Much of what I know about my alternates I’ve learned from reading chat logs and looking at the pictures they make of themselves.
I do know that they have conflicting memories of the same event.
This page is designed as a reference point; a place to gather the fragments of my life and so that I and the reader can get a sense of the whole person.
RG 2016
Flickr Wednesday: mahler9
Mahler9 has this to say in his profile: No Peeps in My Pix, unless they’re part of the scenery.
Please enjoy this week’s Flickr Wednesday: mahler9
