…for sex education to be made mandatory in schools. In India. There’s a lot of people – a majority, in fact – that have no idea about even the anatomy of those nether regions. No wonder we are breeding like crazy. Birth control is something many people won’t even talk about.
…for the country to be a safer place for girls to live in. Can we please stop with the rape culture, already? It’s not culture if bacteria has more of it than you do.
…for people to act more human. I’ve seen animals show more humanity than most people. It’s just plain simple sad.
…for caste system and religious fanaticism and jihad to die. If you want something, talk about it. Don’t try to take claim by force. War, hatred and negativity isn’t the answer. It’s never been and never will be.
Warning: This post discusses adult themes in an admittedly childish way.
(Lights up. An Empty stage; enter Fred Flintstone)
Fred: When Wilma got pregnant, I worried. I wondered if we were ready for a kid so soon after Wilma’s ECT. I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to go to Frost Bite Falls for an abortion.
(Laugh Track)
Wilma: (off stage) Fred? Fred? Is that you?
Fred: Here, honey!
(Enter Wilma)
Wilma: Oh Fred! Why are you so late! (Wilma bursts into tears.)
(Laugh Track)
Fred: Gee honey, the boss kept me late.
Wilma: (sobs) I sometimes think I should have an abortion!
Fred: Oh honey; don’t talk like that. What would Betty think?
Wilma: Oh, who cares what Betty thinks! (sobs) She’s not under a
contract to have to have a baby!
(Laugh Track)
(The doorbell rings. Enter Mr. Ed)
Mr. Ed: I was just at a meetin’ wit da Mattel’s an deys wanna know if the kid’ll be baked by Christmas!
(Laugh Track)
Wilma: Who the fuck are you?
(Laugh Track)
Mr. Ed: (To Fred) You gotta live wid this?
(Laugh Track)
(Enter Betty Rubble)
Betty: Hi Wilma? Fred? Who’s the Horse? Hubba, hubba!
Wilma: Hi Betty. This horsey works for the Mattel’s!
Mr. Ed: (to Betty) Mr. Ed is my name an makin’ pretty ladies is my game!
Betty: Pleased t’ meetcha! I sure hope you folks can cash in with Bam-Bam!
(Laugh Track)
(Lights Out. We hear the voices of Batman and Robin)
Robin: Holy stegosaurus, Batman! Ya really think you smell trouble?
Batman: Think young friend: does a horse shit in a meadow?
(Lights up: Betty and Wilma are locked in a kiss
Robin: Tsk. I am so OVERgratuitous lesbianism; I mean the way the writers slip it into everything these days!
Batman: Oh, SPLACK!
Mr. Ed: Cool yer chops Batty boy!
Robin: (To Mr. Ed.) And MUFF!
Mr. Ed: And tell lover bird to stop chirpin!
Batman: (Hands on hips) He’s NOT my lover!
Wilma: Oh, pish-posh!
Betty: That’s telling him, Wilma!
(Laugh Track)
(Enter Eva Gabor; she spots Mr. Ed and points with recognition)
Eva Gabor: I know you!
Batman: I bet you do, lady!
Eva Gabor: That’s precisely what I mean!
(Enter Eddy Albert)
Eddy Albert: What is you mean precisely?
Batman: Precisely?
Eddy Albert: Precisely!
Eva Gabor: Why precisely do you ask, Olivah?
Betty: (To Wilma) Oh Wilma! Aren’t Heterosexuals the most boring! Let’s get outta here!
Wilma: I’m with you Betty! Let’s have an abortion!
Betty and Wilma in unison: Da-da da da de da! Charrrge it! (They exit)
Batman: Our work here is done, Robin.
Robin: Right, Batman! (They exit with a swish of their capes)
(Enter Fred Ziffel)
Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas! Arnold’s feelin’ mighty sick! I’d sure appreciate it if you’d come over and take a look at him!
Eddie Albert: I’m a lawyer, not a doctor.
Eva Gabor: You can help him make out his vill, dahling!
Eddie Albert: Oh, All Right! (Mr. Ziffel and Eva Gabor exit with Eddie Albert)
(Pause)
Fred Flintstone: (Looks at Mr. Ed and shrugs) I guess it’s time for me to take out the cat. (Fred Flintstone exits. Mr. Ed alone on the stage)
(Enter Wilber Post)
Wilber Post: There you are, Ed. I looked all over New York for you! I even called the police!
Mr. Ed: Well ya found me, Wilber. Ya got any of that hay left over from Thanksgiving?
Wilber Post: Sure Do!
(Wilbur post leads Mr. Ed off stage. As the lights dim to black the laugh track builds to a roar)
Switching Stations
End
(c) Rob Goldstein 12/86 – 12/2017 All Graphics (c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved
