I wanted a real man but the only ones I knew was Momma’s boyfriends.
That was until I met my first boyfriend, Larry.
Larry was a sailor an’ he was such a real man he wouldn’t even kiss me.
I was hanging out with this chick named Denise.
She said she was a witch and she showed me how to do voodoo.
“Ya get some nail clippins an’ hair,” she said, “melt ’em in some wax—make you a doll—An’ stick a pin in.”
Denise held up a wax doll and jabbed a needle right where it’s heart would be.
Denise also got real chummy with Larry who was always on the look-out for a ”piece.”
One day, Denise gave Larry a bronze dildoe and told him it was a magic charm he could put anywhere he wanted.
That was the last I seen of them for three days.
Now Larry was gettin’ throwed out of the navy ‘cause some shrink said his “proclivities” was psychopathic.
A week later we was at Folly Beach.
Larry picked up a stick of driftwood and drew a big circle in the sand.
“Know what this is?” he said.
I shook my head, no.
“That’s snatch” he said.
“Gross!” I said.
Then he drew what looked like a long cigar curving beyond the lines of the circle.
“What’s that?” I asked.
Larry replied: “That’s a banana. I’m gonna eat that banana right outta that snatch!”
I spent the rest of that day listening to old Dionne Warwick tunes.
I was learning how to fix hair at a creepy old beauty school and lacked
200 hundred hours to graduate.
Old ladies staggered in with hardly no hair at all and want bee-hives.
They made me so nervous I wanted to yank them out of my chair.
I was fed up with beauty.
I was also fed up with Larry, who was putting the moves on my Sister.
One night Larry and me partied late.
That next morning I felt too tired for school.
Larry took some orange pills out of a matchbox and gave me one.
He said they would perk me up.
By the time I got to school everything started to dissolve.
“Acid!” I thought. “That bastard give me acid!”
I panicked and ran home.
There was Larry on the couch with my sister—An’ her legs up!
I stood in the doorway, caught my breath, and said: “What?—Have you done to me?”
Larry wiped his mouth an grinned: “Musta gave you the wrong pills.”
I threw myself up the stairs to my room and slammed the door.
It echoed in my head for a good ten minutes.
I’d never had acid before.
Little devils danced around my body — And jabbed at it with pitchforks.
I rolled around on my bed and moaned when Larry came in, “You all-right, bobby?” he asked.
His face melted into something nasty.
Even his hair, which was curly and the part of him I liked best, looked nasty.
He took my hand and asked me to give him some head.
I said in a real deep voice for him to leave me alone.
I closed my eyes and the next time I opened them—Larry was gone.
Five hours later the devils left and I was pissed!
Larry had two big duffle bags in my closet packed with cigarettes.
There was a balcony off my bedroom.
I took the duffel bags out to the balcony and tossed them cigarettes into the courtyard.
People scrambled out of their houses like I was some benevolent queen tossin’ money.
There was this place on King Street called the Octopus Garden.
Larry liked to go there to trip out in the black light room.
I filled them empty duffel bags with rocks and hauled them the two miles from my house to town. I must have looked like some little ant dragging two fat roaches.
I got to the Octopus Garden and there was Larry.
I called his name—he turned—an’ I slammed him over the head with the first bag! He fell forward an’ I smacked him in the ass with the second bag.
Then I raced home to call Denise and tell her all that happened.
Now, don’t let anyone tell you that voodoo don’t work ‘cause it does!
That night Denise called her coven together.
We gathered at the old graveyard behind the Unitarian church.
She had us dudes all in capes an’ she had on a sexy evening gown nun’s habit.
She gave me a book and told me to read from it real loud:
“Ah call upon the powers of be-lial an’ astro-turf!”
Denise giggled. “Asteroth!” she said.
“Aster-roth!” I bellowed.
Then I held up the doll and stuck a pin in.
The gossip was that Larry was in the black light room at the Octopus Garden when he doubled over and had to get taken to the hospital.
Well that made me feel bad, so the next day, I went to the old graveyard, dug up the doll and pulled out the pin.
I never loved anyone the way I loved Larry.
And he decided to fly home to his family in Utah.
There was Larry: boarding the plane.
And me—just wishin’ I had one of them dolls.
(c) Rob Goldstein 1995, 2015, 2017 All Rights Reserved