Switching Stations: All Floppy

Our characters this evening are Eva Gabor and Inspector Eric Vornoff

Prologue

On a distant planet millions of silicone based life forms rise to make their giddy way to Los Angeles where they land as an innocent looking layer of dust.

Our scene opens with a wide-angle shot of an understated Hollywood
Hamlet.

Torches light the way to gilded doors guarded by brass gargoyles.

As the doors open we see a horribly mutilated corpse, face down
beneath an ornate rug.

Enter Inspector Eric Vornoff:

Digital Photograph of a detective looking down at a corpse under a blanket. Behind them is a television with a title screen that reads Nick Danger, Third Eye
Inspector Eric Vornoff

Inspector Vornoff:  By the Gods, it’s time you knew the truth of the events that transpired here without you knowing!  Indeed, who knew silicone would lead to the horror face down before you on the floor.

(Enter Eva)

Eva: More tea, Inspector Vornoff? (She stifles a laugh)

Inspector Vornoff: By the Gods woman! Yes!

Eva: Darjeeling is good for character confusion, darling.

Inspector Vornoff: Character confusion?

Eva: You are not playing Hercules, Darling. (She offers him tea) Drink this:
it’s made from the teabag of identity.

(Inspector Vornoff drinks the tea and blinks. Then he reaches into his
trench coat and for a notebook and pen)

Inspector Vornoff: Your cheeks, when did they go all floppy?

Eva: Last night I heard an explosion followed by the sound of plonging.

Inspector Vornoff: Plonging?

Eva: You know darling, like when your toilet is clogged, you plonge it

Inspector Vornoff: I see, (He jots this down in his notebook) continue.

Eva: I went back to sleep and when I awoke my cheeks were floppy
and this horribly mutilated corpse was on the floor.

Inspector Vornoff: Who is this horribly mutilated corpse?

Eva: It’s Porcelain, the maid.

Inspector Vornoff: And now my dear, I must ask you a personal question.

Eva: I won’t have sex with you!

(Inspector Vornoff rolls his eyes)

Inspector Vornoff: Is your face…natural?

Eva: Define natural, darling.

Inspector Vornoff: Were you born with it.

Eva: (snorts) No one is born with a face full of rocks!

(Extreme close up: Inspector Vornoff)

Inspector Vornoff: So you see dear friends. (Pan to corpse) A corpse with no bounce and no shine, and a woman without mass. It all has a terrible consistency, a diabolical design–

Eva: Aliens shucked my face.

Inspector Vornoff: Aliens shucked your face?

Eva: For the rocks, darling. (Eva bobby pins her cheeks to her hairline) It’s too sad.

(Enter the Hysterical Man)

The Hysterical Man: Are you Hercules?

Inspector Vornoff: Maybe yes, maybe no.

The Hysterical Man: (hysterically) I was rehearsing in the back of my limo, I have the lead in the Johnny Weissmuller story; it’s a fabulous opportunity! As I was reading the soliloquy, I heard a strange sound.

Eva: An explosion?

The Hysterical Man: Yes! And a plonger!

Inspector Vornoff: What happened?

The Hysterical Man (sobs) My chest is gone!

Inspector Vornoff: Let me see.

The Hysterical Man: (reluctantly opens his shirt)

Inspector Vornoff: By the Gods!

Eva: (offers the The Hysterical Man a few bobby pins): Do  something
with those nipples, darling!

Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

A short tribute to the humor of the Firesign Theater, The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) and Ed Wood’s Bride of the Monster as covered by MST3K.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accept the Gift

First posted 12/11/2016 as The Night Bobby Found Christ in an Abandoned Subway Car

I read the Nativity story as the story of a God who decides to incarnate as an outcast among the poor and oppressed people of a barbaric civilization with a static class system.

Life was brutish and short for the poor.

The warrior God of Israel takes flesh as an impoverished Jewish outcast whose
life is in danger from the moment of conception.

It’s a great story!

I wondered how it might look today and saw a homeless youth who finds
the abandoned Christ child in an unused subway car.

Will he accept the burden of this gift?

An avatar that represents an alternate named Bobby is shown finding the Christ child in an abandoned subway car
A homeless youth finds the abandoned Christ child in an unused subway car.

I used VR to make a video of it.

I got the idea for the subway car from Dark Days, a documentary made in the 1990’s about a tribe of homeless people who live in the abandoned subway tunnels of New York.

I use two photo-shopped frames from the documentary as an homage to it.

I first came up with this idea in 2011 but didn’t have the skill I needed
to make it work the way I envisioned it.

I’m going to remake the video for next Christmas.

Merry Christmas to the World!

May we find our way back to the light.

The video is a series high-resolution panels staged and shot in virtual reality and processed in multiple apps.

I cropped a cover of Silent Night  found at the Internet Archives.

To the best of my knowledge the recording is in the public domain.

Switching Stations: Wilma Wants an Abortion

Warning: This post discusses adult themes in an admittedly childish way.

(Lights up. An Empty stage; enter Fred Flintstone)

Fred: When Wilma got pregnant, I worried. I wondered if we were ready for a kid so soon after Wilma’s ECT. I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to go to Frost Bite Falls for an abortion.

(Laugh Track)

Wilma: (off stage) Fred? Fred? Is that you?

Fred: Here, honey!

(Enter Wilma)

Wilma: Oh Fred! Why are you so late! (Wilma bursts into tears.)

(Laugh Track)

Fred: Gee honey, the boss kept me late.

Wilma: (sobs) I sometimes think I should have an abortion!

Fred: Oh honey; don’t talk like that. What would Betty think?

Wilma: Oh, who cares what Betty thinks! (sobs) She’s not under a
contract to have to have a baby!

(Laugh Track)

(The doorbell rings. Enter Mr. Ed)

Mr. Ed: I was just at a meetin’ wit da Mattel’s an deys wanna know if the kid’ll be baked by Christmas!

(Laugh Track)

Wilma: Who the fuck are you?

(Laugh Track)

Mr. Ed: (To Fred) You gotta live wid this?

(Laugh Track)

(Enter Betty Rubble)

Betty:  Hi Wilma? Fred? Who’s the Horse? Hubba, hubba!

Wilma:  Hi Betty. This horsey works for the Mattel’s!

Mr. Ed: (to Betty) Mr. Ed is my name an makin’ pretty ladies is my game!

Betty: Pleased t’ meetcha! I sure hope you folks can cash in with Bam-Bam!

(Laugh Track)

(Lights Out. We hear the voices of Batman and Robin)

Robin: Holy stegosaurus, Batman! Ya really think you smell trouble?

Batman: Think young friend: does a horse shit in a meadow?

(Lights up: Betty and Wilma are locked in a kiss

Robin: Tsk. I am so OVER gratuitous lesbianism; I mean the way the writers slip it into everything these days!

Batman: Oh, SPLACK!

Mr. Ed: Cool yer chops Batty boy!

Robin: (To Mr. Ed.)  And MUFF!

Mr. Ed: And tell lover bird to stop chirpin!

Batman: (Hands on hips) He’s NOT my lover!

Wilma: Oh, pish-posh!

Betty: That’s telling him, Wilma!

(Laugh Track)

(Enter Eva Gabor; she spots Mr. Ed and points with recognition)

Eva Gabor: I know you!

Batman: I bet you do, lady!

Eva Gabor: That’s precisely what I mean!

(Enter Eddy Albert)

Eddy Albert: What is you mean precisely?

Batman:  Precisely?

Eddy Albert: Precisely!

Eva Gabor: Why precisely do you ask, Olivah?

Betty: (To Wilma) Oh Wilma! Aren’t Heterosexuals the most boring! Let’s get outta here!

Wilma: I’m with you Betty! Let’s have an abortion!

Betty and Wilma in unison: Da-da da da de da! Charrrge it! (They exit)

Batman: Our work here is done, Robin.

Robin: Right, Batman! (They exit with a swish of their capes)

(Enter Fred Ziffel)

Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas! Arnold’s feelin’ mighty sick! I’d sure appreciate it if you’d come over and take a look at him!

Eddie Albert: I’m a lawyer, not a doctor.

Eva Gabor: You can help him make out his vill, dahling!

Eddie Albert: Oh, All Right! (Mr. Ziffel and Eva Gabor exit with Eddie Albert)

(Pause)

Fred Flintstone: (Looks at Mr. Ed and shrugs) I guess it’s time for me to take out the cat. (Fred Flintstone exits. Mr. Ed alone on the stage)

(Enter Wilber Post)

Wilber Post: There you are, Ed. I looked all over New York for you! I even called the police!

Mr. Ed: Well ya found me, Wilber. Ya got any of that hay left over from Thanksgiving?

Wilber Post: Sure Do!

(Wilbur post leads Mr. Ed off stage.  As the lights dim to black the laugh track builds to a roar)

An avatar that represents an alternate named the Narrator in front of street murals found on Valencia Street in San Francisco
Switching Stations

End

(c) Rob Goldstein 12/86 – 12/2017 All Graphics (c) Rob  Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

Life at the Bottom of the Sea

Mr. Toad, come to life, whisper
something dear; there’s a devil
on
the headboard, he

sways and strokes

his beard.

Digital abstract made by layering digital photographs made in virtual reality
There’s a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea

On a lump of the branch through the
bog of a brain in hole at the bottom

of the sea

Mr.Toad is lost

to

lost treasure.

The devil sez, “Do you recognize the World,
Mr. Toad?”

“No,” says Mr. Toad.

The devil sez, “Then you ain’t going nowhere.”

We sing the blues and get a bowl of oatmeal.

Life at the bottom of the sea means three hots
and a laxative.

Every so often a guard swims down to tease
us with air.

“Hey fag,” says the guard. “How’d you
like this bubbling up yer butt?”

We smile and speak of rock stars
and world politics.

Our lips shimmer with fear.

Rob Goldstein © 2017